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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Untitled Miles Louis Project Moderators: bert
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  Author    Untitled Miles Louis Project  (currently 1357 views)
Don
Posted: June 29th, 2012, 9:21am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Untitled Miles Louis Project by Joe Wyatt - Short, Drama, Dark Comedy - A man who wants more out of life sees an opportunity to help someone in need. In doing so, he finds an outlet for his aggression that he uses as an excuse for violence. 25 pages - pdf, format


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Gage
Posted: June 29th, 2012, 9:37am Report to Moderator
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Haven't seen you around here... the script is quite long and I'm not too fond of reading it and having the author absent.

Perhaps if you made an appearance on the boards, I would be happy to give it a read.

Gage


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Joe Wyatt
Posted: July 2nd, 2012, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Gage!

Thanks for your interest in my script. I would really appreciate it if you would give it a read. I have been desperate for some feedback.

Thanks again!
Joe Wyatt
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Gage
Posted: July 2nd, 2012, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Joe,

I'll just take some notes as I go along.

Right off the bat, there's no fade in, and you hit us with a really long opening paragraph.  Not the best way to start off the read.  The first paragraph can easily be shortened.  For instance, you have:

"A younger man, late 20s, is sitting at a small wooden table.
He is surrounded in darkness except for a single light
shining down onto a typewriter sitting on the table. He is
wearing a suit with no tie. He is also smoking a cigarette.
He takes a piece of paper and lines it up on the typewriter
and begins to type."

That's really long and overwritten.  You can conserve space and attention by making it brief:

"A YOUNG MAN (late 20's), sits at a wooden table in a darkened room.  He smooths the wrinkles from his suit, lights a cigarette.  Puts a sheet of paper in the illuminated typewriter before him and begins to type."

Isn't that much shorter and concise?

The very next paragraph is incredibly wordy, also.  Instead of describing the V.O. in an action paragraph, use a parenthetical.  That entire paragraph -- BOOM -- it's gone, and you have a whole sixth of a page gone.

Scripts are meant to be brief.  But your overwriting continues for... well, the whole damn thing.  This 35-page monster could probably be condensed into fifteen or twenty pages (the length is the reason people will skip on reading this piece).

It's page nine and I still have no idea what this thing is about.  It's just Miles Louis (I keep wanting to write Davis) talking to Steve and then some hooker about girls and sex.  It's almost documentary like.

Alright, I'm stopping at page ten.
Let's get something straight: this isn't bad AT ALL.  I see a lot of potential in this, from the atmosphere you create to the dialogue that runs quite smoothly.  I like this and I want... well, less.

You expected me to say "more", right?  No.  This is so grossly overwritten that it's hard to get through.  Go back and trim the hell out of this thing, get rid of all the fluff (no matter how nice it is) and bring it back here.  I'll read it, that's for certain.

I have the same problem myself.  I'll write something that sounds beautiful, but that doesn't translate onto the screen, brother.

Also, while you're on here, give some other scripts a read.  It'll not only help you but it will make others want to read your work.  It's just how things work around here.

Good luck,
Gage


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Joe Wyatt
Posted: July 3rd, 2012, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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Hi Gage,

Thank you for your suggestions. I will definitely try to trim some of the fat out. My style of writing is very descriptive. I like to create a whole picture in the mind and then continue with action and dialogue. I suppose it does veer from standard screenwriting rules a bit, but my intention is to shoot this script not try to sell it. I may have written more description to help me remember certain aspects.

I do appreciate you reading and commenting and I hope you will finish the script at some point in order to understand the full story.

Thanks again!
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Ledbetter
Posted: July 9th, 2012, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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I saw where you weren’t getting any love on your script so I thought I might help you out a bit on some of the basics.
You are writing as if you are TELLING  a story, NOT SHOWING IT.  Huge difference here.
If you write a novel, the whole idea is to explain the story in rich detail, including smells, colors, musical nuances, etc…

In a script, your primary duty is to show the story. When writing a script, you should write is as thought you are seeing it on the big screen.
Let me give you some examples…
Actually, let me rewind and get to that in a few minutes. Lets start with page one ane what you might be able to improve on.

Your title page-

Copyright Keyset Productions
2012
This work may not be used or
changed without direct
permission from the Author.
Joe Wyatt
joecwyatt@gmail.com
(335)552-4632

Lose every bit of that. Not to be rude but it shows the amateur nature of your writing. Put up the title and your name. If people want this script, they will find you.

Start with FADE IN:

Its industry standard and even if people tell you, it’s old, you’re writing a SPEC script and you should stick to the rules.

Don’t use actual titles to songs or singers names. Leave that to the people who pick the music for the movie. Trust me, getting the rights to music is harder than you think and it will keep producers from wanting to take your script on.

Your actions lines should be 3 lines, TOPS! Go to 4 lines if you have to, but DO NOT GO ANY LONGER. Your blocks out right kill the flow of the scene. Get in, show what you need to show, and then let dialog take over.

Stay away from PASSIVE VERBAGE if you can. Words like sitting, walking, pulling, ect…

Instead, he walks, he pulls, he sits. You’re putting it as an action that is done and completed. PASSIVE verbiage denotes the action is continuing through the scene, when it’s not.

In fact, your entire first block of action could be summed up as-

A YOUNG MAN, 28, sleazy, sits in the darkness, only a thin ribbon of light reflecting off an old beaten up typewriter can be seen. With ashes falling on to the keys, he takes a sheet of paper and loads it through the spool.

No need to explain what he wearing so much as what type of person he is.

I should mention however, you should go ahead and introduce your narrator right here and now. Call him STEVE or what ever, then instead of Narrator, use STEVE (V.O)

REMEMBER, YOUR SHOWING.

In your next block of action, almost every single word can not be put on film. You are explaining what he is, not showing it. All that you put into the action block, you need to explain it through dialog.

In fact, that entire action block can be broken down to, meet MILES LOUIS, 20, average guy, shy, But why not let him stand out with your first description of him.

I like what you write in your dialog. It seems to be a  strength here.

The same really goes from here on out regarding the rest of the script. I could go on, but what I wanted to give you was a sense of how to take the next step in the re-write of your script.

Re-writes are tough my friend. But essential if you want your work to be honed to a diamond. Hopefully the tools I gave will help you springboard your re-write and get you going in the right direction.

You have the desire, I can see that. Now that that desire and apply some tested techniques to turn your work into some really great.

I’ll bet you can do that.

Take care

Shawn.....><
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Alex_212
Posted: July 11th, 2012, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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Hey Joe,

The guys above have hit the nail on the head though one thing I thought I would mention is that all the descriptions you have included in your screenplay, so you remember the details for when you film it, need to be removed and a trimmed down screenplay resulting.

As part of doing this you can create a producers version with your own additional detail to the side so you don't forget them.

If you have a team working on the film they will find it difficult having to read all your thought on paper.

Alex


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CLICK HERE: Please comment or PM me.
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