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A Day At A Time by Samuel Al (Walnutpictures) - Short, Drama - A tragic love story about the necessary delusions of a guilty man. 10 pages - pdf, format
Have to agree with Gage here, the script is a bit all over the place as well as your action lines need a lot of work.
If you are around to take this then great though I will be brief.
You put a lot of camera directions in your action. Leave this to the director. EG.
"A camera movement down the center of a deserted road" If you really wanted this effect why not say:- Following the centre of the road. Are there any deserted roads in London ??????
"A close up on a young mans face" ???? Just a young mans face. The director will get the idea.
Sean (22) shoud be in caps for first intro "SEAN (22)
In a one continuous horizontal slide, the shot begins at one end of the hallway, focusing first on a console table with a single key in it. ????? To much camera direction
Fade In: is missing at the start.
EXT. STREETS OF LONDON, EARLY MORNING try EXT. STREETS OF LONDON - EARLY MORNING
Other sluglines dont have time of day !!!!
Sitting on the side of his bed, he reaches for his watch which lays on top of The Trial (A Kafka Novel) - too much FLUFF, cut back
Sean sits up, reaches for his watch, visual of "The Trial", A Kafka novel.
This is half the length and has the same effect. easier to read.
Then, past the bedroom where he sits at the end of his bed tieing his shoes in PROFILE. - Very hard to read and understand.
This will give you an idea of what needs to be changed in a rewrite. Apply my comments to the whole script, shorten and reword the action lines.
A tough read for me, couldn't handle the excessive camera direction at the beginning. Also some groanworthy dialogue between the characters, especially Romily.
Also, who the hell is Jack? If you're changing a character's name during a re-write be sure you're getting everything otherwise it looks sloppy and careless.
Please learn the difference between "your" and "you're," and capitalise all forms of the "I" pronoun.
Not a bad concept for a story but it needs some work.
Same ol' fundamentals 'Show don't tell' in your narrative, particularly the camera work. You're dialogue was good I thought. Each character played up to the there traits throughout. You did a good job of coming back to topics while the conversation continue which is a good tool for good dialogue. You also displayed that technique with some of the narrative, mainly the flowers which added subtext.
Good structure. Good dialogue.
BLB
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."