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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Why Do I? Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: July 16th, 2012, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Why Do I? by Niranjan K (Niranjanbja) - Short - A world which has been destroyed for a young girl. Five pages - pdf, format


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irish eyes
Posted: July 16th, 2012, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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Niranjan

I don't know if this is your first venture into writing... But to be really nice for 3 pages long, your short is a mess.

You really need to read books and  other scripts on this site.

There are no character descriptions

Only 1 very vague slug EXT.TOWN.EVENING
Even though they ended up in a car and an office somehow???


Your format is way off.
Your character speech should be in the center and why does guy2 talk before guy1???????


Your grammar and spelling are really bad(sorry)  e.g "people are having green skin" "Joe and Anna enters a office room. Both goes near a computer
and Joe started to operate it."

Those are only 2 examples of many.
There are plenty more that I wont get into and please don't take it personal, but you really need to do a lot more research and possibly a writing software program like celtex(which is free) to help you with your format.

Mark



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Alex_212
Posted: July 16th, 2012, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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I have to agree with Mark,

Get your formatting right as the dialouge was not centred and it is hard to determine what is action and what is dialouge.

FADE IN should be FADE IN:

Put the copyright text on the cover IE... not to be reproduced without the permission of the author ......  This is on many screenplays on SS, so it should not be hard to find.

"Joe is standing in her back" no idea what this means ??? Is he giving her a back massage?
Punctuation is missing in many areas.

If it is your first effort, keep at it and read more screenplays to learn the format.

Regards Alex


PLEASE TAKE A PEEK AT SOME OF MY WORK:-

CLICK HERE: Please comment or PM me.
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pale yellow
Posted: July 16th, 2012, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
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It almost seems like English may not be your main language?? I tried to read this...but didn't really understand it.

I was trying to overlook the formatting issues etc but I can't get past page 1 I'm sorry.

I think it would be best to download a free script writing software like Celtx and then read some scripts and maybe try to rewrite this.

If it's your first, keep trying. It takes a while to learn all this stuff, but I'm sure you can do it!


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danbotha
Posted: July 17th, 2012, 8:03am Report to Moderator
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Hey Niranjan,

Haven't seen you around, so let's hope this feedback does get back to you. It's always great to see newcomers and we always hope that they enjoy the feedback, they receive.

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to echo what previous posters have said. This script does need a lot of work, in terms of format and story. I personally don't think you've read a lot of scripts and that is always a good place to start.


Your very first sentence put me off, I'm afraid. "A crashed aircraft is burning" - For me, that's not a particularly great way to start a script. You spend very little describing the town we are in, not to mention the aircraft. That makes visualizing what you are trying to portray extremely difficult.

"Next to it, a young guy, Joe is standing up. He is completely wounded. People are having green skin. They are standing around him and looking at him strangely.." - So many things wrong here...

-How young is Joe?
-How wounded is he? Describe the wounds.
-"People are having green skin." - Okay, so english may not be you first language, but I'm sorry to say you're not even half getting your point across, so I really have no idea how I can help you.

"He goes near the people who transferred into statues by the enemies." - How does the audience watching the film know this? I would leave it at describing the statues and explain it later.

Not even a quarter of the way through the first page, and look at what I've picked up already! Not looking good at the moment.

Many things wrong in terms of formatting. Judging by the page design, I suspect this script was written on Celtx, which is why I found all your formatting issues a little confusing. Have a read of some other scripts, here and they are bound to help.

Look, I finished the script, solely because I was curious to see where you'd take it. Unfortunately, I don't feel you took it anywhere. I didn't get the story, if there was one. It's possibly as weak as the formatting. Sorry, that does sound incredibly harsh, but it's the only way I can say it.

You've got a lot to learn, but don't let the comments here discourage you from writing. Keep practicing. Keep reading and you WILL get somewhere.

Sorry to be harsh.
Daniel


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thenextscott
Posted: August 5th, 2012, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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Since this is your attempt to write a script, a lot of mistakes need to be addressed. For instance, a scene must be used to describe what is going in the scene first. Not the action until it is necessay to do so. Using a crashed plane right away is not entirely a good way to describe how a story starts. What you could have done, is have blackness, then the roar of an engine to set the mood. Such as when a person is watching a movie, they hear it, then warning bells or alarms can go off, along with a pilots voice in distress which gives the viewer an adept concrete vision that a crash is about to take place. Where is the crash? A mountain? or valley? set the location too.
Another thing is wording I notice in a particular sentence when you describe a scene with... People are having green skin. From where? how? what happened to get green skin? Show details to build up the momentum. Wording is key...instead of people are having green skin, try The people suddenly show signs of their skin turning to a color of dark green. Their flesh transforms molecule by molecule into the strange hue of color which surprises and frightens him. He is surrounded as they gaze with blank lifeless stares.
These examples can be beneficial in future writing, PLUS PROOFREAD everything before you submit. Corrections are essential to giving your story that much more potentcy in later works
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write_stuff
Posted: August 19th, 2012, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
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hey niranjan. right off, spacing and punctuation. you also have porrly structured descriptions. i'd work every day instead of a few hours a week. i promise you that within a month of working on your writing each day you will see results that will keep you self-motivated to go even further. best
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khamanna
Posted: August 20th, 2012, 6:38am Report to Moderator
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I started reading this and couldn't understand what people look like. I know they are green and they are statues - I think these things you should mention right away - maybe not call them people but "green statues" who start morphing into people shortly after we see them as statues. But I think you need to describe them the way we see them - green statues.
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DarrylLuster
Posted: February 24th, 2013, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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Niherranjan,

Your story is about an aftermath invasion of destruction.

There are some corrections to be made in your story. In your scene heading in the beginning of the story. You should not use Evening. It should be either DAY or NIGHT.
Also we need to know Joe's age, And in your sentence Yes i do, you need to replace the letter i into a Cap, Like this I. The sentence should read, Yes I do.

You also need periods after some of you sentences.

Nice quick Sci-fi aftermath of destruction story.

Darryl
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DarrylLuster
Posted: February 24th, 2013, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarrylLuster


Niherranjan,

Your story is about an aftermath invasion of destruction.

There are some corrections to be made in your story. In your scene heading in the beginning of the story. You should not use Evening. It should be either DAY or NIGHT.
Also we need to know Joe's age, And in your sentence Yes i do, you need to replace the letter i into a Cap, Like this I. The sentence should read, Yes I do.

You also need periods after some of you sentences.

Nice quick Sci-fi aftermath of destruction story.

Darryl


I also see where you use the (V.O.) when Anna and Joe speak. It stands for Voice Over. It should only be used for Narration, Telephone Conversations and Psychic Characters. The correct way to address Joe and Anna is this way: (O.S.) which stands for Off, which means, that the character is speaking in the scene, but cannot be seen.

Darryl

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