Oh Father Why? by Richard Longhorn (Abeoldieboy) - Short, Drama - The life of a troubled teen is explored.  - pdf, format

Hey Richard,

Think I've seen you around before, but I'm not sure when.

I think this script needs a fair bit of work, but it's definitely got some potential. As it is, I think it misses the message you were trying to portray and I think it all starts with that log-line, you have. When I originally opened this script, I had a very vague idea of what I was going into.

Page 1: "They pace to their one room, where they share a bunk bed." - As we can't see the room yet, leave the bunk bed out of the description. Don't know about you, but to me it seems a little pointless bringing the bunk bed into the description, when we're not in the room that the bunk bed is in. Does that make sense? I realize that wasn't the best way to explain things.

Page 2: "Suddenly the front door opens." - At first I thought this was the bedroom door opening, even though you said "front door." I would try...

"They hear the front door open O.S."

I was a little surprised with Sue's sudden outburst of anger. She doesn't seem angry, so there isn't any explanation as to why she's suddenly yelling at her kids...

Page 3:

                     TIM
     Dad. I don't think think their supposed
     to eat those.

"Their" should be "they're"

Page 4: "He defecates a few more times before dying." - Sorry, but dogs don't just drop dead like that. I suggest taking a little more time with the death of the dog.

Overall, not bad. I just think that the execution wasn't exactly there. Formatting was great, but the story IMO wasn't working too well... YET. Don't get me wrong, there's something good going on here and hopefully with more help with fellow simplyscripters you'll be able to thrive off the feedback we can give.

Apologies for being a little vague.
Daniel

Richard,

There’s issues here with both story and the writing itself which makes it hard to follow. From what I could gather it’s a pretty grim slice of dysfunctional family life -- i felt Tim and the dead dog sequence in particular could turn off a lot of prospective readers in itself -- gonna have to put lunch on hold for a while myself...

Often the action/description comes across as more of an outline for the scene rather than a concise sequence of images that show your story:

EXT. HOME - BACKYARD - NIGHT

Barry is throwing up and defecating all around the backyard.
He whimpers loudly. Everyone wakes up and goes to the
backyard.

There's action taking place both INT. and EXT. yet we remain EXT?

'Everyone wakes up and goes to the backyard'.

Who is everyone? You need to show us in the action -- this is simply too vague.

I can’t say I came away any the wiser as to what story you're trying to tell.  I'd echo Dan and say there's potential in here but it needs more attention.  I’d post more if you like, but I'll wait to see it you’re around.

Steve.

Hey Richard,

I'm not going into great detail because I don't know if you're around or not? I'll be happy to elaborate if you wish, just let me know.

I pretty much agree with previous posters. This has lots of problems with the writing and story and really was an awkward read.

One thing I wanted to throw out is your name choices and this should be an example to others as well. You know when peeps say about starting names with the same letter, and this in turn can confuse the reader. Your script here is the perfect example of this. Look at these two names "Tim" and "Tom" Every scene they had together was so confusing especially in the dialogue.

Like I say, a few issues but all is not lost. There could be potential here but it does need a good tidy up first.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Richard,

Going to have to echo what the others have said. What you've definitely done is to build atmosphere and cement the tone of the piece quite nicely. There's absolutely no doubt of the world in which these characters inhabit. I'd say that the main problem is a lack of resolution and the the stakes not being raised sufficiently. Once the dog has died, you let the intensity of emotion seep out and instead give us drawn out imagery of what is in effect the dog's funeral. Whilst it's successful in highlighting the desolation of the world, it doesn't capitalise on the potential to ratchet up the tension. You setup the feelings for the dog and then essentially have Tim wallow - this makes him too passive as a character and not active enough. I can see why you do it (and in a longer script it would give you more texture for the resultant conflict and resolution) but you then fail to have Tim and Tom collide, which in turn gives you little room to bring your story to a satisfying end within 11 pages.

So it's a case of cultivating a better structure in telling your story, for me. Change that up and give us some unexpected character decisions with more narrative drive.

Holy crap guys! Usually when the script gets posted I get sent an email. Not in this case. I just found out about it now. Thanks for your input. You guys are right everything is way too vague. I wanted to elaborate more, but someone told me to just keep short and tight. Next time I'm just gonna go with my gut on deciding the length of the script.