Billy by Simon (sicoll007) - Short - Whilst in debt, a man makes a rash decision. 10 pages - pdf, format

I liked this a whole lot better than Cat.  Nice dramatic ending.  Would look great on film.  Only thing I didn't like was the slang.   It was distracting.   Other than that, it was a quick and effective read.  

Hi - thanks for the read - yeah, I think Cat's probably a bit of a crash looking for a repair. The slang - do you man Dog's dialogue?

Quoted from Forgive Hi - thanks for the read - yeah, I think Cat's probably a bit of a crash looking for a repair. The slang - do you man Dog's dialogue?

Yes.

Simon,

Interesting story here. Very minimalist writing -- not a problem for me.

I like the direction you took it in, the turnaround on Dog’s character was a nice touch, unexpected.

I would say that not revealing what Billy said to Dog didn’t give me much to fall back on in terms of why he should suddenly want to take Billy away.  The pivotal moment (Rash sending Billy into the office) felt vague in that we never really see what Rash is hoping to achieve.  Up until this point he seems to look after Billy pretty well given the circumstances -- checking his weight, washing, feeding him etc.  Felt like it dampened the payoff.  

Hope that made sense...

Aside from that --

p.6 -- ‘to an first floor office’.  Should be ‘a’.

Steve.

Hey Simon- Liked your story a lot. Even though Billy didn't seem to have the capacity to understand what was going on I felt for Rash the most. Hard for anyone to have to take care of someone else let alone an adult. Rash was stuck in a corner, vunerable. Best of luck with anything else in the future.

Another good short from you.

I really like the way you write, Simon.  It reads fast, but it gets the point across.  Both of your scripts that I've read have a very distinct, dirty feel to them.

The story's sad and short.  It's mostly dialogue and the dialogue was really good, so there's not much to complain about.

The ending, I feel, could have a little more oomph.

Gage

Hi Simon,

The feedback you have given me in the past has been absolutely priceless. It's a pity I'm unable to do the same, as I was unable to fault this (as I expected, anyway.).

You've come out with a brilliant little short, that I imagine would be very easy to film.

Very sad story, indeed, written to perfection.

Sorry. Wish I could say more, but as I say, I couldn't fault it.

Daniel

Simon, this was a bit hit and miss for me.

It was a little strange to read with the minimal descriptions and short sharp dialogue.  The concept is quite dark; one brother struggling to look after the other.  I didn't understand why Rash got the loan but then didn't spend it at the shop?  Also if Dog was holding Billy, wouldn't Rash contact authorities to get him back in his care?

I quite liked the quickness in the read but it just lacked something...but I'm not sure what?

stevemiles - Hi, you make a good point there - there's a couple of thing that happen that are key to the story, and maybe one of them has to be writ large(r) - I can totally see why you say it vagues out around there. Nice bit of spotting.

DV44 - cheers! Thanks for the read.

Gage - so you're person number two who's said the ending's a bit damp - that's interesting, and I didn't really see that. I'll have to have a look over it, and see where it'll go. Yeah - a tad dialogue heavy, I think it could benefit from a little more creativity in the descriptions. Glad you liked it overall & thanks for the read.

Daniel - Cheers guy! I'm just glad you liked it - you know I have a lot of respect for your writing, so that's good enough for me!

Alffy - You've spotted what a number of people, to my mind, are thinking, and I do need to look at my 'trimming' which I think I do at the expense of creativity, and sometimes fail to create a 'mood' to a script - that's been made fairly clear from uploading this and the other short. Jeff pointed out a lot missing 'a''s & 'the''s, which I'm subconsciously doing to speed up the read & sometimes it really shouldn't read fast - it needs to read right. Rash doesn't spend the loan as he knows in reality he can't pay it back - which is why he goes back to the loan shark. Thanks for the read though - you're confirming what I'm suspecting.

Nice work, it was a sad tale but I think in the end Rash got what was coming to him. It was a fast and clean read.

Hey Simon

I read this without reading other reviews but having completed it i rea the others as i wanted to check out what they made of it.

In short I could have almost written Steve Miles review word for word. Sorry to repeat but at least you know another thought he same way.

I was really into this and the use of repeating a scene to reflect a situation is one I learnt from the film the illusionist where they have a powerful scene of the magician trying to get on stage three times. You did that well and I felt it, it was just at the end I couldn't work out what happened. Was Dog doing a good deed or not etc what had the bother asked Billy to do, good or bad etc

As an aside I thought you portrayed Billy well but again an extra couple of words, or line of description, may have helped when we first met him. Happy, shaking his head etc could have been the result of a handful of things.

Cheers

Bill

Simon, I glanced over the feedback and saw my name brought up, so decided to have a read.  I read the whole thing and have some comments that may help you find the style you're looking for.

First of all, let's all understand in everything, there are options.  Options are good.  Variety is the spice of life, and depending on the particular vice..I mean spice that we're talking about, give 'em to me!

I write the way I do because to me, it makes the most sense.  It allows me to include the most detail, all the dialogue I want, and all the visual action I'm after, in the least amount of pages.  I always  try to be as efficient as I can...not just in writing, but in all things.

For some reason, you and some others have this feeling that you need to offer a "fast read".  To make it "fast", you literally cut necessary words out, and write in a very staccato style, that's almost completely void of any real visuals.  To me, this is a big mistake.

I often critique people's "style" and say negative things about it.  But the reality is that I'm critiquing what I'm actually reading on the page, what I'm seeing in my head as I read, and the fact that it's not effective.

You know I'm all about solid, technical writing, completely accurate grammar, Slug use, sentence structure and the like, but probably, what's most important to me is 2 things:

Clarity  and Visual writing.

Simon, for me, this script is neither, and I think the problem lies in what you're attempting to do with your writing, as opposed to trying to get these 2 things across in the most efficient way possible.

I don't want to go int great detail, but I will offer up some exact examples as well as some generalities I see on display here.

In your entire 8 pages here, you only have three 3 line passages.  You've probably got 6 or so 2 line passages, and the rest are all 1 line.  This obviously creates lots of white space and a quick read, but does it give much visual description?  I don't think so.

On Page 1, under your new Slug of GROCERY STORE, you have a 1 line passage which reads, "Billy and Rash."  Now, this obviously is not a sentence because it has no verb, but more importantly, what is it telling us...or showing us?  Your next passage is a 2 liner ending in a totally unnecessary orphan - but, these 2 passages should really be combined, and in total, they should be 2 lines, meaning here, you have an extra 2 lines that you completely wasted.  You can go through the entire script and see lots of examples like this.

Page 2 - Look at you opening passage here, under a brand new location Slug.  First of all, you didn't properly intro the "owner".  You also didn't name him, or give him an age.  If you didn't use "he" in the line, we wouldn't even know "he" was a male. You omitted a lead "a" or "the", which makes the sentence read poorly. But more importantly, you chose not to give us a single visual of this new location we're in...zero visuals here.

The next passage is a real head scratcher, as you've got a single sentence passage that runs 3 lines, filled with multiple shots and dashes, that's just worded downright bizarrely.  Another new character not properly intro'd as well.  Rash grabs bread and milk and throws it down at the register, as if this store is what...like 5 feet by 5 feet?  No visual equals confused reader.  Confused reader equals unhappy reader.

OK, 1 more passage I want to bring up, also on page 2 - "Owner’s escorting Billy out - Rash’s following him up - to the owner ..." - The tense is all off here.  No lead in word again.  Dashes misused.  The ellipses is all wrong - no spaces between them.  No reason for one here at all, as far as I can see.

Simon, if I were you, I'd relook at this and rewrite it just for shits and giggles in a very traditional style and see how it differs.  See if you can get across what you're after, while giving better visuals.  Write it out in full sentences.  Don't use subject Slugs.  Set your scenes properly and completely by adding some visual ques and descriptions.  Intro and name your characters properly.  Watch your verb tense - keep it all active.  Use lead in words like "a" and "the".

I bet you can write this same script in the same amount of space and have it read 100% more clearly and visually.  Actually, I know you can.  You may not like that traditional style, but I bet your readers will, and I bet they'll get alot more out of this, because there is true power lurking underneath the odd style choices, but it's hard to really "see", based on your writing choices.

Hope this makes sense and helps.  Take care, man.

Hey Simon,

I move onto your next short and I love the logline "a man makes a rash decision" Your character is called Rash, tell me this is intentional.

A nice touch with the antag turning the tables and becoming the protag if you will. I'm not sure what he means by Rash treating him bad, he seemed to be doing his best. I think the fact that we never know what he told Billy to say leaves that side of it a bit mysterious for the reader.

I was unsure why he needed the money so bad, they always seemed to be eating.

A difficult job when dealing with a disability and I think you did okay here, you revealed a little but not too much. I would have liked to seen Rash have more of an inner struggle with his predicament, hating his brother for holding him back or something along those lines but on the whole, not a bad story. Certainly easier to follow then Cat.

There were a few awkward phrases but this was mainly dialogue heavy. Again, I did feel you didn't give your settings any life. I think you've heard enough about your writing now. I'll give you this, it's different but not to every one's taste.

Some notes I took:

P.1 "trying to drag his attention." Wondered if drag should have been "draw"

P.2 Owner isn't capped on first intro. And the woman.

"EXT. GROCERY STORE - CONTINUOUS - DAY" Day isn't needed if it's continuous. Doesn't really matter but might as well mention it.

P.3 "Rash screw it up," should be screws.

"Like a Private Eye’s place." I need more than that I'm afraid... I've never been in a Private Eye's place.

"DOG, (55)." Huh? Not the bounty hunter, right? I wonder what happened to him.

P.4 "Asian lady" Was this the woman from before? If so you need to be consistent with her description. Asian lady turns to woman in the next sentence. They could be different people for all I know.

P.5 If he's only concerned about feeding Billy, put the milk back and just buy the bread. Water should be sufficient to drink.

"Billy and Rash, at the table - they eat." That's twice where they've been eating after not getting any food from the grocery? Where is it coming from?

"Dog’s looking pissed." Do you mean angry or drunk?

P.6 "an first floor office." An should be a.

P.7 "(to phone)" I don't think you need this wrylie as you've stated in the action he's on the phone.

Who's driving the car if Dog's in the rear seat?

"Dog exits and ambles toward Billy" Should this be Rash?

Good work.

Steve

Sorry I'm being so slow to respond.

Ectoplasm - Thanks for the read - appreciated.
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Bill - Yeah, Steve brought up some valid points there. I did wonder if Billy need a few more words, and the point at which he meets Dog would be good point to give him that shot. I didn't want to spoon-feed too much, b ut it's sometimes tricky just getting that balance right. Cheers for the read, though.
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Jeff - Thanks for reading. I get your point with the staccato style - I agree that it can be used very effetively where deployed well. You raise the points of 'clarity and visualisation'. I tend to write with 'clarity and brevity' in mind, and this clearly has its shortcomings. I can't totally agree that the script has failed in the clarity stakes, but I do agree that more shortcomings are to be found in the area of visualisation.

I agree the Grocery store need a little more - when I read scipts, I'll often say 'describe the location well when first intro'd', and then go and give it no description at all in my own script. A bit dim, but easy to overlook.

I understand you sensibilities, but unfortunately, I'm quite into a bit of grammar-abuse when I think it suits the script -- but I can see that I've moved into the early habit-forming stage of misuse - that can be corrected, though.

I'll also concede that page two grocery store visit could be seen as confusing: In my mind, these things were happening at once, which is why they were crammed (somewhat uncomfortably) together.

Ellipses ... mmmm ... as far as I understand, there should be a space between the preceding word and the ellipse where the ellipses represents a missing, as there would be a space had the word not been missed (although few seem to adhere to this).

Thanks for the read, Jeff. As usual, lots of insightful points - and as you know me, I'll still be chewing on what I haven't fedback on as much as what I have.
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Coop - nice read there, thanks. Of course Rash was intentional - you didn't need to ask!

On Dog believing Rash treats Billy badly - Dog never sees Rash doing all the cleaning, washing, looking after Billy etc. It's like you work hard and do 100 things that nobody sees you do, then make one rash decision - and bang! penalty to pay. I was hoping to create a kind of 'who's right and who's wrong - difficult to say' kind of thing.

And by the way - leave my exclamations marks out of this - I like them!  

Thanks for the notes - you make a whole bunch of valid points there, and I'll go correct. Let me just pick up a couple of things though:

p5. 'Put the milk back, water should be sufficient'. Bread and Water! Quit with the Dickens' books!

They do get the food from the grocery store, but it's all on tick.

I guess the driver's driving the car ... ? I doubt you'd be able to see him through the windowscreen anyway. Or Dog's just got real long arms?

Cheers for the read Coop - it's appreciated.