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Noodling around, I popped this open noticing it to be a micro-short.
Nice for what it is, no real problems.
If anything, I think perhaps Todd and his Mom talk too much.
See what you did with Todd and Emma at the end -- with almost no dialogue -- and the actors telling the story with the things left unsaid?
You can do the same with Todd and Mom. I think less dialogue -- with the viewer filling in the obvious for ourselves -- would give this even more punch.
Maybe keeping Todd's line about, "next Valentines Day" and pretty much tossing the rest.
Just my thoughts to take or leave, but really not bad as it is.
How about instead of 'soulful looks' something like 'apologetic look' -- less room for ambiguity. Other than that a sweet short.
On a side note, trim it further (as Bert suggested with the dialogue) show Mom's illness as less serious (like flu or something) you've got yourself a commercial -- for what, I don't know.
Steve.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Todd Stares into the mirror? He's good looking and aged (20). He's smartly dressed and ready to go out on a date.
I think part of this can be cut back. He is ready to go on a date can't convert to film. Maybe word it all as :- A good looking TODD (20) smartly dressed, stares in a mirror.
The room is dark and quiet. It's a sad place.
Maybe instead of "it's a sad place" use The room is dark, Quiet and depressing.
Under the bed sheets is Todd's mum, She is only (46) But looks very I'll. Try :- Under the bed sheet is MUM (46) frail and ill.
She is excited and happy for Todd. ???? How do we know she is happy ??? Maybe She is excited and smiles at Todd.
For a sick lady she certainly talks a lot.
Emma appears. She is Stunningly beautiful and Dressed for the occasion. ??? Maybe
A stunning EMMA (age?) stands in the doorway, dressed to kill.
It's a happier room now ??? This is not film able. Maybe state the room is brighter and the colours appear more vibrant ?
Good effort though I think it can be simplified to make it read even easier, reduce some of the irrelevant dialogue.
Might have been amusing if Emma was in the middle of them on the bed at the end, holding the popcorn. Couldn't make a choice between the two ??
Felt the dialogue was a 'little on the nose' at times. Judging from the other comments, I guess I'm in the minority but sorry... I just didn't get it! The ending left me confused!
The end was a lil weird picturing this man laying on the bed with his mother sharing popcorn. I mean he's like 20 years old. Just seemed a lil strange and unlikely.
Lonely 20 yr old living at home with his mom goes on a date and is happier afterward. That's the just of it....or am I missing something?
Thank you for your guidance. He's sacrificing his own immediate happiness to spend time with his ailing mother. Making her happy when she needs it most. A selfless act. Or some shit like that!
He's sacrificing his own immediate happiness to spend time with his ailing mother. Making her happy when she needs it most. A selfless act. Or some shit like that!
Perhaps I should clarify that a little more.
It's clear. But he makes unhappy his girlfriend!
What is the need to stay whith mother right today? It's a day of lovers. As for me, I wouldn't be happy if my son refused his girl in such a day.
And, I agree whith pale yellow, a young man laying in the bad whith his mother looks not good... A hint of incest... Sorry.
Still, the idea of sacrificing self happiness deserves to be developed.
He's good looking and aged (20). He's smartly dressed and ready to go out on a date. ^20 is aged? or did you mean to say he looks mature for his age? this is confusing. in addition, "ready to go out on a date" is telling us, not showing us.
The room is dark and quiet, it's a sad place. ^once again, telling us, not showing us. try to avoid this at all costs. or use carefully worded phrases that encompasses what you're picturing.
Under the bed sheets is Todd's MUM, she is only (46) but looks very ill. ^needs revising. tell us what she looks like. what kind of ill?
MUM All I want is for you to experience love and be happy. You don't want to end up like me, alone. ^a bit on the nose. and what an ungrateful mother. what about her son?
p2
TODD Your the best mum. And I guarantee, you will be the one going on a date next valentines day. ^wrong "your" and awkwardly phrased overall
MUM Of course I will. Do what makes you happy. I'll be okay. ^that do what makes you happy seems weird.
Todd lovingly KISSES his mum on the forehead and leaves the room. ^this is "a special kind of love" isnt it? you can omit the bits where you specify that characters leave the room. we can assume that on our own.
EMMA appears. She is stunningly beautiful and dressed for the occasion. ^what occasion? for a night of tantalizing S&M style anal penetration? furthermore, how old is she? the reader can't picture her and that's a problem.
Todd pauses and gives Emma soulful looks. ^looks as in plural?
It's a happier room now, allot different than before. ^ come on dude
laugh could be capitalized
finished.
eh not a fan of the ending by any means. i get that its a "selfless act" but it doesnt come across that way. if i was the mother, i'd feel like s hit for keeping my son in. and i can say this, because i've been in similar situations like this before (a couple of times actually). IMO it would make A LOT more sense to have Emma in the room with them at the end. or have Emma show up with a cooked meal and candles in her hands.
you've got to make this one a bit more creative. it's very by the books as it stands. how about this....
son looks in mirror. he's super nervous. says something like "i hope i can pull this off"
son talks to mom. mom talks about the "old days" and "the best valentines day she's ever had." son brushes it off. criticizes her for repeating the same damn story again and again.
emma shows up. has something particular in hand.
all three of them replicate that "best v-day ever" scenerio in mum's bedroom.
alright that's enough advice from me. best of luck with it.
PS even though it might not be how you meant it, it definitly reads as though todd has something going on with his mother. not so much incestual, but has a hard time breaking free from her clutches.
I've uploaded a revised copy before y'all just taught me the stuff I should already know! I'm going to do a rewrite with all the advise given; and hopefully it won't be so embarrassing. Thanks again.
Hey dude, that wasn't an embarrasing script! It was well written, the story had a unity and clarity of purpose, and the characterisation was, for me, damn well done in two pages - it felt like they were genuine people. So kudos.
It did leave me feeling a little puzzled for some of the 'why' though. There was something missing in terms of motivation for the story - like a vital piece of information about what's going on that makes it more than just a guy staying in with his mother on valentine's.
But for a two page quicky, don't beat yourself up too much - I think you're better than you realise. Now all you need to do is give the audience something unexpected (his choosing to stay in is not a surprise, the title gives it away lol. [sudden flashbulb moment - what if the twist is right at the end, the final line, we realise the girl stayed in with them too, because it turns out she's got more compassion/understanding/experience of parental illness than we realised? It ends on Emma bringing in a bowl of popcorn she just made, and snuggling down with them both, with an understanding smile and a stroke of your man's hand?]
I'll start off by saying I really like what you're going for, here and I think the execution is mostly there.
Capitalize Todd and Mum's name when we first meet them.
I never thought there'd come a time when I say this, but I think you should go into more more detail (Yes, MORE!) detail with certain aspects of this short, mainly to make it more effective. The Bedroom needs a more visual approach to the description. Right now, you have a poxy sentence, which reads "The room is dark and quiet, it's a sad place." - Yes!! You need that sort of thing. Using set design to convey a certain mood or emotion is the way to go, BUT you need to have more. Go into detail about WHAT makes the room a sad or ominous place. The lighting? The discarded clothe items? Or the characters hunched back position? Show us, don't tell.
These little hints that you use in that earlier description of the bedroom can set you up perfectly for your last scene. Draw attention to the fact that room is somewhat lighter. No more discarded clothe items. The characters sitting back, nice and relaxed.
I seriously hope I've made sense with this. If not, please don't hesitate to PM me.
Overall, a nice concept. I like where you're going with it. Would look good filmed.
I also advise you to get active on the boards. Comment on other works around here. That will get your name out on SS and you'll get more reads.
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A Special Kind of Love - Filmed
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