Breakfast in Vietnam by Richard Longhorn (Abeoldieboy) - Short, Drama - Two soldiers eat breakfast in Vietnam. 8 pages - pdf, format

Hmm....the only thing to really comment on here is the dialogue.  Which is fine, felt realistic enough, and flowed well.

But that ending haha.

You realize that such a conclusion is the literary equivalent of, "It was a dark and stormy night...", right?  I mean, except at the ending instead of the beginning.

Not sure what you are trying to say with this one.

Hi there,

I think this is the third of yours, I've read? I know you're around, somewhere as I have seen you before.

I think like all your other scripts, this is well-written. The dialogue is good and the formatting is excellent.

I'm just struggling to see where you were trying to go with this one. I mean, there's hardly a story here, is there? It's just two American soldiers bitching about their life, while discussing medical theories. That's what I took from the story, at least.

Sorry, but this one didn't quite do it. Written to perfection, just no story that interests me.

Daniel

You just knew that something like this would happen... At least they don't wake up to find themselves in a hospital bed, dreaming.

The dialogue was good for the most part but it didn't really lead to anything.

Sorry guys. Just found out about the script being posted. Usually I get sent an email. Not in this case. Wish I could have responded earlier. =(

This one grabbed me in the beginning, nice touch with the cigarette into the waffle. The dialogue talking about the girl was pretty good, but dragged on with the cigarette and weed talk.

But - the way you worded the ending had me laughing my ass off, which almost locks in on the dragging dialogue you wrote. Id say that if you were trying to go for the laugh and executed right, it has a leg to stand on from my point of view.

This one was fine, but nothing happens.
You just have two dudes sitting and talking for an entire script.

Don't get me wrong, Tarantino is a great writer, but definitely NOT one that you should take too much influence from. People sitting at a table talking for 10 minutes may work for him, but that's because he's Tarantino. For the rest of us, in a screenplay of any length, action is extremely important.
People watch movies to see and hear exciting things. If your script lacks a great story and is nearly action-free, you don't really have anything.

Not to be the bad guy here, but anyone can talk to there friends and write a few pages of highlights and put it into a script.

In the end, it wasn't bad, but in my opinion, not it doesn't have anything unique to say.
Sorry.

This was just something I wrote to get out of my head. I might plan on expanding it into something serious.

Richard,

I like what I read here.  Although it is a talky, I'm fine with it — if it keeps my interest.  And you did a pretty good job of that.
The dialogue is sharp, Tarantino-esque in style. Nothing wrong with that in moderation.
I think you can go a page or two deeper, and add a little more visuals. Between the passages of talk, show us something interesting, people eating, people entering the restaurant, people leaving the restaurant, etc.

Maybe in one of these random descriptions, we will see something in the works that foreshadows what happens in the end. It might be something that John or Ben observes and then comments on, and that adds to their small talk.

You have your Tarantino, now add a touch of Hitchcock.

BTW, the Doors were not in existence at this point in history.  However, that can work in your favor.  First, backtrack to John conversation:  War, some political grumblings, college, Honey McClain, cigarette and health risks, drugs, listening to music while stoned, the Stones and the Doors.
What if  John is a budding musician/song writer and after his term is up, plans to connect with Honey, a student at UCLA. Honey's best friend is dating some guy named Krieger, and they just met some cat named Morrison.

Would be funny if just before the waffle breakfast, John sends off a ton of songs he penned for Honey.  You can see where I'm going with this...

Another thought would be for John and Ben to forecast events that haven't happened yet.  The war, politics, film, music, business, etc. and be dead accurate.  The irony being to see the future, but not their future

Food for thought.  Have fun.

Abe

why is "waffles" capitalized?

i think most people would prefer a bullet to the chest than cancer. just sayin...

read this one for the ending (which was quite abrupt). some catchy dialogue overall, but there's really no point to it all. i don't feel for either of these guys. and that's a problem.

as others have said, this lacks a proper story. it would fit well within a story, but there's no beginning or middle. just an end.

good luck with it.