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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  With Thomas Wolfe Whispering in My Head Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 25th, 2012, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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With Thomas Wolfe Whispering in My Head by Doug Presley - Drama - A man takes a long overdue journey back to the place he grew up, to see a few old friends and relive a few memories, only to find out that more than he has bargained for has changed in the years he's been gone. 145 pages - pdf, format


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RJ
Posted: August 28th, 2012, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, I'm assuming this is your first script because this is exactly how I would have done mine.

I know how much time and effort you put in, but for a spec script - this needs a huge re-write. And I know this sounds terrible, but I didn't get past page 1 because I knew there were another 144 pages to go.

First off - scripts over 120 pages rarely sell unless they are exceptional and this is going to sting - but yours isn't.

The main problem was too much description and lots of camera angles that, unless you choose to direct this, are a big no-no. Directors know how to film movies - they will pick the angles. Also the camera angle aren't actually written right. They should be capped and so forth - I don't have time to elaborate right now.

If you trust that the makers of the movie will do there best job - then leave out the details and the script will read leaner and tighter.

My best advice is to read alot of scripts on her from the pro section or pic a script someone has reviewed as good and study it.  

Plus, who is Pete talking to. If it is the horse - then put (to horse) under Pete. Also (Pause) is written (beat) and no caps.

Good Luck.

Renee.
  
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Redeemer
Posted: September 12th, 2012, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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i'll break them down, no mercy shown

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I was really intrigued by the title and your logline, reminded me of a Cameron Crowe movie. I'd have to agree with bflywings's comments, though. 145 pages is way too long for a spec, and your action descriptions are full of camera directions, "next"s and "we"s (all no-nos).

I'd be glad to give it another read if you tightened up the formatting and cut it down to 120 pages.
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