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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  The House Moderators: bert
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  Author    The House  (currently 2626 views)
Don
Posted: July 27th, 2012, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The House by Alfredo De La Cruz - Horror - College students encounter pure evil while filming a video project at an abandoned house with an unknown dark history. 127 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 4th, 2012, 8:36pm
revised script
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Twenteen
Posted: August 9th, 2012, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

To be honest, I went into this script not expecting much. Let's face it, this is an idea that's been done a million times before, but I was pleasantly surprised. Relatable characters that just about talk the way real people do, a solid story and a few genuine scares along the way, Good job. 137 pages is a lot, but I read this script from start to finish in one sitting and it really doesn't read that long. In fact I thought it ended kind of abruptly, the twist is great, but you should definitely not end the movie there, I'd say you've got a good half hour of story left to tell easily. Also, I think you should cut the dialogue where they discuss the professor's sudden appearance, that way the audience really won't see the twist coming at all. The only other slight problem I had was early on when Emma was described as a bitch, I actually thought it was the other way round, I thought Isabel was more of a bitch, but maybe it just came across that way because those two don't get along. Other than that I'd say you've done a good job here, and whether or not you take my advice for the ending or keep it the way it is, there could well be scope for a sequel. A family moving into the house, maybe? Cliche I know, but the plot for this movie is also well trodden ground and you've handled it pretty well.
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DLC
Posted: October 10th, 2012, 12:23am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for that great review! I am thinking of a possible sequel but I also have a prequel in mind and that might come first. Still have to develop them though, anyways thanks once again for the review.
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TheReccher
Posted: October 24th, 2012, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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First thing that needs to be mentioned is that there are several grammar and spelling mistakes. It’s a tragic fact, but even if you write a script with the best damn story and characters in the world, you’ll shoot yourself in the foot with these little errors. I know it’s a pain in the behind, but keep looking and looking and looking and looking until you’ve gotten them all. The one that gets away can be tragic.
Secondly, whilst I have no problem with how you describe your settings in general, your action is a little too wordy. The fact that your script is 127 pages foreshadowed this problem. Whenever you write a line of action, make sure it’s important to the story. The way you describe the rotting inside of the house tells us it’s age, for example. The darkness Haley encounters in that room makes me wonder what might pop up. That’s relevant. I don’t get the importance of a bird that flies over his police car. If you’re trying to develop a mood, keep in mind that non-plot related setting add-ons is the director’s job. You’re here to tell a story.

Thirdly, the dialogue needs fixing, although there are a few good lines here and there, but there are a few “eh” lines of dialogue that pop up. Lines like the one Haley spouted to himself when he noticed the first floor window, or one that makes me wonder why a contraction wasn’t used makes the character feel unrealistic and pulls me from them ever so slightly. Also, the introduction to the college guys was cluttered with too many swears and colloquialisms like “man.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m a University kid myself and know how we speak, but, that should have been toned back a little. Especially the swears during the professor’s lecture.

Also, in regards to action, never use action to describe the character’s feelings directly. For example, something like “Professor Dames is shocked at hearing this,” should be replaced by a visual clue that indicates his state of shock. Film is a visual medium. Don’t write what can’t be seen or heard.

Okay, now onto the story. I’m going to tell you the one thing you succeed at, and that’s making me like the characters. This is why you get away with a lot of flaws. Even the officer at the beginning, I was rooting for him to get away from the demons. Key word here is “get away.” If I didn’t like the characters I’d toss this thing. There are a lot of problems and most of them can be summed up by 127. A producer will look at your premise, than look at the page count, and might toss the thing out right there. It’s industry standard for a new writer not to become self indulgent and go over 110 pages. But because you have such a basic premise, something like this shouldn’t stretch beyond 100, and even that’s pushing it.

Edit, edit edit. There’s a ton of useless chit-chat between the characters that’s testing the limits of my patience. Look at a line of dialogue, ask yourself, has something about the story or characters been furthered, has something interesting been revealed. If yes, keep it, if no toss it. In order to keep your script lean and tight, adhere to the rule of starting a scene when it gets interesting, and ending it when there’s nothing more to say. The scene for example where Lewis drops Gabriel off at the college garage, the scene trails off into useless banter the moment Lewis says “You guys good?” If a scene starts interesting, trails off into “hello, how’s it going,” than gets interesting, cut out the middle and divide into two scenes. Edit, edit, edit. These guys should have been in the house, by at most page 30.

I don't want to hurt your eyes too much so that's all I'll post for now. I'm gonna read the rest of the script and offer more feedback as soon as I can.
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TheReccher
Posted: October 25th, 2012, 1:21am Report to Moderator
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Okay, so I’m done reading your script. And I want to say, if I took a sip of beer for every time the word “man” showed up, I’d have died of alcohol poisoning by now. And in my first post, I said the characters were likable. I have to take that back. The first impression was strong, I liked the three college guys, I liked the Proffesor (strange as he was), I liked officer Haley. But they’re alienating me from their story more and more with every page.

First off, it’s getting a little hard to tell most of their dialogue apart, except for Gabriel and Emma, and that’s only because Gabriel is an a-hole and Emma is the female version of him. If I’m suppose to dislike these guys in that I look forward to when a ghost comes and drags them to hell, than I understand. The problem is that Emma is so ridiculously one-note and pretty much every line of dialogue on every page repeatedly hammers me over the head that she’s a b**tch. I knew that the moment I saw her. No need to say that again and again. If her only purpose is to be unlikable, than try harder to keep her on the back-burner once it becomes instantly clear that she doesn’t have a likable bone in her, until her demise comes.

During their stay in the house, there were some things I thought were effective and creepy. The video of the girl dancing in the camera, the picture of the old family for example. But the mystery, the good points are too sparse and stretched out, because there’s too much of people just sitting on their butt doing nothing, talking, and characterizing themselves by describing themselves in a very ham handed manner. You can cut out the ninety percent of that which isn’t relevant to character and stuff all the interesting things closer to when they entered the house. A scene like finding out something slashed their tires should have much sooner, page 70 at most. But it happens on page 90? I admit, the value of interest shoots up immensely at that point but it should have happened much much sooner.

On a final note, I think it might have been better if you didn’t show the witch right out in the beginning when Haley was inspecting the house. Hint to him falling victim to “something,” some mysterious thing, but don’t show it outright. I think that would work better in terms of mystery and build up in tension. The appearance of those strange things in the house later on don’t hold as much weight because too much was revealed too soon.

To sum up this script, I see a lot of quality, but it’s buried under a mountain of filler and chit-chat. Cut out the fat, tighten up the writing, make your characters more diverse, defined and likable and polish the dialogue and spelling/grammatical errors.

Good luck to you in the future.




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DLC
Posted: October 31st, 2012, 12:48am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the great review, it pointed out the flaws I didn't see. When I find the time to rewrite and edit, I will repost it.
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