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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Seller of Truth Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 4th, 2012, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Seller of Truth by Jacob Greenberg - Drama - A young Russian inventor can not find application for his "truth generator" however, despite the objection of the FSB (modern KGB), a rich buyer appears. 76 pages - pdf, format


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Forgive
Posted: September 24th, 2012, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hi Jason. You've got a strange length going on here - bit short for a feature, bit long for a short.

Also, you might want to drop your 'Page 1' numbering.

There's some issues of you fisrt line - it comes across as a statement, and needs to be a description of a visual.

Unfortunately, we then move in camera directions - generally best avoided.

Okay. Five lines in, but there's still hope.

Your next scene take us from page 1 to half-way into page 9. That's not good.

This is a passive sentence:
'On a small blackboard are drawn with chalk some electrical circuit, formulas and graphics.'
Scripts should tend toward active sentences. It's also got some grammar issues.

'The bell rings at the door but Gregory makes a discontented face and does not respond to it.' Mis-use of the word 'but' wrecks the sentence.

Bottom of page 1 you have a paragraph which is trying to pass itself off as a sentence and you've claused the clauses of the clauses. I think.

Are we still on page 1?
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cloroxmartini
Posted: September 24th, 2012, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Log line needs work.
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