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Not sure if you're around, so I'll hold back some of my feedback.
Sorry, but there really isn't much to this one. It's exactly what the log-line says it is. A guy daydreaming. Nothing special, here. Nothing that we haven't seen before.
There are plenty of formatting issues in this one, I'm afraid. I have a feeling that you may have done a small amount of research on how a screenplay should actually be constructed.
"SCENE 1 - CLOCK" - Scene numbers are utterly pointless in screenplays as they aren't filmed in scenes, but in individual shots. I get the feeling you may have gotten this idea from stage play writing...?
"int. - classroom - day - 2:55 PM" - Slug-lines should be in capitals. Just one of those rules that has to be followed.
e.g. "INT. CLASSROOM - DAY - 2:55 PM" - another thing, I'm not entirely sure the exact time is necessary in this script. Why mention such a thing in the slug, unless it is absolutely essential.
There are a few other things I'm wanting to say, but I'd rather you make an appearance on the boards, first.
We're willing to help, as long as you show you want it.
I don't want to seem like an a-hole, but you don't really have much here. There are a lot of problems with this one. Also, I'm not quite sure what the point of your story is.
Hopefully you are a young writer. If so, keep at it. No one is great right off the bat. Read a lot of scripts, ask a lot of questions and keep writing!
Thanks fot all the advice and criticism, this is my first script i know it's not that great but I needed the feedback because the way I normaly make my short films is i write as i go, i find it really difficult writing what is in my head, and yes i am quiet young only 16, but i really needed this feedback so thanks. Any writing tips would be greatly appreciated.
Not a bad effort for a first go - I think a couple of other people have said they weren't too sure what the story was about - maybe think along those line - maybe have the girl as someone in the guy's class who smiles at him when he wakes up.
Reading other scripts here will help you out though, it'll give you a good idea of what's good and what's bad. And if you read some of the feedback from other scripts that'll give you an insight into how people are looking at scripts and what they are looking for.
No need to mention the formatting issues since it's been covered. Story-wise there needs to something compelling or revealing to make people feel engaged by it; or this slice of life moment needs to have a deep emotional element. As is, this would not entertain a mass audience. Perhaps Liam's dream is a foreshadow of something that occurs after school, or he learns something from his dream that will make him want to change himself, etc...
i like the idea of this but it's not executed well. Everyone has mentioned the formatting issues, so I won't harp on that.
This kid is daydreaming so there's litereally hundreds, if not thousands, and millions of places his mind could go. Especially if it's about a girl he has a crush on! Make it harder for him to find the girl. In his dream, he gets her, but what about real life?
As class ends, what if he sees her in the hallway and he's either 1) too shy to talk to her or 2) he does and she ignores him or is mean to him?
Right now, the story doesn't go anywhere. Ask yourself "what if?" and go from there. I'm excited to see what you come up with.
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