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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Tale of a Mill Worker Moderators: bert
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  Author    Tale of a Mill Worker  (currently 2803 views)
Don
Posted: September 12th, 2012, 6:30am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Tale of a Mill Worker by Aaron Matthews - Short, Drama - A young man is made redundant in small town australia. 5 pages - pdf, format


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XL
Posted: September 12th, 2012, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it.

Punctuation and capitalization a little spotty, but not enough to distract from first rate writing/story telling. Can't cast too many stones� I can't spell or punctuate myself.

Not familiar with severance packages in Oz, but $20,000 sounds like enough to start a small business. Wouldn't $2,000 make their situation more dire?

The accent and dialogue are colorful and believable.

John
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 13th, 2012, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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Oh boy...sorry, but this is a mess Aaron.

Mistakes on literally every single line.  Opening Slug incorrect.  From there, you continually miss a capital to start your sentences, a period to end them, you skip lines for no reason,  etc, etc, etc.

Sorry, but the writing on display is so bad I can't get past the first few passages.

You need to make every attempt to present your work and yourself in the best possible light.  You have not done that here.  It looks like you didn't read this a single time before posting, or else you literally do not know how to write a simple sentence.

Not going to cut it, bro.
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XL
Posted: September 13th, 2012, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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Gez Dreamscale, why not just castrate the lad and burn his house down?

Ever heard of a Shit Sandwich? It goes Good, Bad, Good.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: September 13th, 2012, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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Hey Aaron,

I’m afraid I completely agree with Jeff, I couldn’t get past the first slug.

Please feel free to pm me or let me know if you’re around by replying here and I’ll be more than happy to help you the best I can? It’s always good to get more people from Oz on the site.

If not then try to read some scripts here on SS or maybe this site which I’ve seen brandished around a lot will help, it has some helpful tips.

http://www.scripttoolbox.com/

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 13th, 2012, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from XL
Gez Blue, why not just castrate the lad and burn his house down?

Ever heard of a Shit Sandwich? It goes Good, Bad, Good.


"Blue"?     That's simply the color associated with the number of posts I have.  You are "Red".

John, I'm Jeff, BTW.  And no, I am not familiar with a shit or shite sandwich.

Listen...you can sugarcoat a review all you want and many here do.  I do not and will not.   It's 1 thing when a script is fairly well written, but this is something completely different.  IMO, this is downright embarrassing, it's written so poorly.  No way around that.

Is it harsh?  Maybe, but Aaron needs to understand and realize that a script written like this is totally unacceptable.

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M.Alexander
Posted: September 13th, 2012, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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@XL,

Dreamscale is actually one of the best, if not the best script doctor on this site.  You can learn a lot from his critiques.  Whether they be harsh or not.   Just sayin'...

And yes, this script definitely needs a doctor.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 13th, 2012, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from M.Alexander
@XL, Dreamscale is actually one of the best, if not the best script doctor on this site.  You can learn a lot from his critiques.  Whether they be harsh or not.   Just sayin'...

And yes, this script definitely needs a doctor.


Hey, thanks for that.  Very nice to hear, actually.

I rally don't want to be looked at as an ass or just downright mean.  Sometimes, peeps need to know exactly what's acceptable and what's not, as well as what's right and wrong.

This is an example of unacceptable in every way.

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Gage
Posted: September 13th, 2012, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Jeff can be harsh at times, yes, but this script isn't really a script.  There's no point in going lightly on a script that's been looked over only once possibly, and has a plethora of mistakes. This thing has the grammar and punctuation skills of a typical MySpace post, and scripts shouldn't be presented as such.  Jeff's perfectly in his rights to say so (he's torn apart much better scripts, IMO )

Gage


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Ryan1
Posted: September 13th, 2012, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from XL


Punctuation and capitalization a little spotty, but not enough to distract from first rate writing/story telling.



You're really not helping the guy by saying stuff like this, John.  Punctuation and capitalization a "little spotty?"  Spotty would denote that it's occasionally incorrect, but the punctuation and capitalization are uniformly terrible throughout the entire piece.  And would you seriously call this first rate storytelling?  I'd hate to see second rate.

My guess is Aaron is a really young guy and this is one of his first forays into screenwriting.  Best to take his lumps now, study the craft and come back stronger.  
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irish eyes
Posted: September 13th, 2012, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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Improper slugs

No character descriptions

Poor spelling and grammar and no capitals at the start of sentences.

The story itself was very bland, with a sad ending... Being handed an Electrical Apprenticeship

Read other scripts on site and the script tools link that the ever reliable Coop linked for you.

Mark (An electrician)


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cloroxmartini
Posted: September 13th, 2012, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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I'll chime in that this needs a great deal of work. While there is something going on in this young man's life, what with wife and bun in the oven, there really is no story in a short script sense. This is rather a snippet of what might me a larger story. There was a very light touch on the heart with what is going on and you'd be cold hearted not to sense it; yet it's not developed and it's not in a setting that is unique or grabbing. Real life does not make good entertainment.

XL, don't run off. You will find that when a script is good, really good, you will know it when you read it. If you've not read a good script, then go read some here at SS, produced scripts. One persons treasure is another's garage sale item applies.
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DV44
Posted: September 13th, 2012, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Aaron- Not much that I can say that somebody already hasn't touched upon. Read more scripts, period. It will help you a great deal. Trust me. Also, if you need help with your writing there's plenty of helpful people on this site that can help you. Just PM them. Good luck- Dirk
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Forgive
Posted: September 18th, 2012, 3:50am Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Guy doesn't appear to be around - maybe we scared him off.

We call a shite sandwich a 'feedback sandwich' over in inglund - I think it goes does down better that the idea of eating excrement in a bun.

So - good that you posted, bad that its a poor script, and (it'd be) good to see you around and re-writing.

John, meet Jeff, Jeff - John.

John - like I said a post or two ago - tender mercies ain't what you're going to fall on here ...  
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blackpooler88
Posted: September 23rd, 2012, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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I am around thanks.

I just really dont like being belittled..you guys are just mean.

I can write in a simple sentance ASS****

This is only my 3rd ever attempt, back up.

P.S Thanks for the link

Aaron
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