Awake by Thomas Pascal and Nick Smith (tommyp) - Short, Drama, Thriller - A houseridden man attempts to justify his suicide by killing his brother. 9 pages - pdf, format

Hello everyone! I haven't been posting on the boards for a while, but don't fret, I have been keeping an eye on everyone and reading posts every now and then.

Thanks Don for posting this!

So I wrote a script (with Nick) and I think it's not too terrible, I actually quite like it.

I would love some feedback on it if you have the time to read it (it's pretty short) and I can return the favour if you so wish by reading one of your scripts and telling you my thoughts on it

Thanks!

Yo, Tommy man...what up?

Based on your logline, I'm worried.  First of all, it doesn't make sense to me at all, as written.  Secondly "justifies"?  WTF?  Not good, bro.

I will read it though.

Hope your drinking is in high gear - mine is of course!  

Ah, bugger, a typo in the logline. Gr. Well picked up, should be "justify" obviously.

Haha, yes, of course!

Thanks for reading, man.

OK guys, I gave this a read.  I'm sorry, but I don't have anything positive to say at all.  In fact, I'm completely clueless to what even happens and what happened.

Where to begin?  Hmmm...OK...how about this?

The writing itself is not good, IMO.  Mistakes of every kind are on display:  orphans, awkward writing, typos, grammar issues, passive writing, unclear writing, technical issues, way overuse of transitions, some poorly broken up passages that run too long and include actions that should be set apart, etc, etc, etc.

Basically, we have 2 talking heads here spouting lots of exposition that's never made clear really what went on or what's actually going on.  It does not help at all that you chose to name these 2 "brothers" "One" and "Two".  Quite crazy, actually, as it doesn't work in any way and also makes many of the sentences read oddly.

You have a total of 5 scenes which take place in 2 unique settings - "BEDROOM" and "ONE'S HOUSE", but the latter only takes up a couple of lines, and is basically Two standing at the door, outside One's House.

But, we then have an incorrectly used FLASHBACK imbedded in the 3rd BEDROOM Slug (or at least, it appears to be incorrect, but since I don't really know what happened here, maybe I'm missing something), which doesn't make any sense to me.  If you choose to label FLASHBACKS like this, you understand that only that Slug is included in the FLASHBACK, right?

So, what happened?  I don't know.  It appears that One kills Two in a FLASHBACK, but Two then appears in the bloody bedroom, as if nothing happened, or everything is happening over and over again.

I'm very interested in hearing what I'm missing.  I'm also interested in seeing what others think of this.

These are my own personal thoughts here, guys, so take them as you see fit.  I don't mean to be harsh or cruel, just letting you know how it comes across to me.

Hope this helps.  Take care guys.

So I’m guessing the main body of this was One’s dream? The end was the reality?

SPOILERS

It’s one of those pieces that leaves more questions than answers.  There’s a lot of little set-ups in the dialogue that never lead anywhere: the medication, the crime One committed, and the 15 grand; the scripts (which I initially thought was a reference to ‘prescription’ medicine); the withdrawal, then he pulls out a gun...

Basically you’ve got One, an angry, suicidal guy down on his luck for a lot of reasons who dreams/fantasizes about killing Two - albeit accidentally - his older brother who tries to help, yet ultimately antagonizes him.

I think you have to appreciate this needs more clarity in order to work. It seems more complicated than it has to be. Maybe figure out what you’re trying to say and trim everything else until you have a clearer narrative.  

Sorry, I don’t know that I can end on a positive note here. It’s a head scratcher as written.

Steve.

This script kinda gets dragged down by repetition and missed opportunities.  It seems that all One does is complain and all Two does is console him.  They talk about a myriad of things that don't really go anywhere and then one of them dies.

As for the ending... I guess One had the dream and then killed himself?

Hey guys, thanks for all the comments. I will respond to them now.  I've been quite busy the last day or so, hence the late reply.

Many of you aren't understanding the story, which is not good. I will explain it now. One is under house arrest and spends all his day in bed. He was set up by a cop and didn't get put in jail, but he cannot leave his house.

He hates it.

His brother (Two) is the opposite. Rich, got a family, great job, etc. One is jealous of his brother.

One cannot stand how terrible he is at life, he just seems to do everything wrong. He wants to kill himself so he gets hold of a gun. He can't bring himself to straight-out BANG, shoot, dead, so he day dreams about killing his brother because he is jealous of him and needs a way to get to the point of pulling the trigger.

So in his day dream he shoots his brother, but in reality he has finally shot himself.

The sequence of events is that One is lying in bed, he has the day dream, shoots himself, Two comes over to have a chat to him and what we don't see and what would come next is Two would walk in on One lying on the bed dead.

I hope that makes sense!

Now, down to business....

Jeffrey, thank you for the read. I am a bit rusty with the writing and will do a more thorough check for spelling and such in the next rewrite. Also in the next rewrite I will give them names, One and Two seem to complicate it too much.

Yep, I think it's a flashback because we're going back in time to an earlier moment.

After reading me above explanation, how we looking? Understand it now or still a bit fuzzy?

M.Alexander, well picked up, that should be One, will change it in the rewrite. I hope my above explanation helped you understand the story, let me know

stevemiles, yep, think you got it. The medication was to show that One wasn't right in the head. The 15 grand and the crime was the reason he was stuck in his house.

I really do think this is a nifty, little idea, so I am going to spend more time on it and, as you say, clarify it so it's clearer. I do appreciate that, and thank you for your feedback!

AsteroidJuice, thanks for the read. Repitition? Yeah, maybe, the next draft will be shorter

Tommy, I still don't get it, bro.

The bulk of this being an actual Flashback, doesn't make any sense, cuz in the Flashback, One shoots Two, and I think you're now saying this never even happens - it's all a dream.

If that's true, why are you calling it a Flashback?  Is this an attempt at deceiving your readers?

I'm sorry, man, but for me, this makes no sense.  Even all the back story you, the writer knows, does not translate back to me, the reader.

How would the kid get a brand new gun if he's on house arrest and bed ridden?  But wait...did he actually get a gun, or is that a dream?

Let's see what others have to say.  Maybe it's me that's the problem...

It's not a flashback per se, but more a dream sequence. What do you think I should label it as in the rewrite? It does, though, happen BEFORE, albeit a dream, the first scene.

One has to DREAM killing his brother so he is able to kill himself. It could even be seen as he has tried to kill himself before, but hasn't quite brought himself to do it. He has finally found a way, and it's through the killing of his brother (again, in his mind).

He could have ordered it on the Internet, is one possibility. A friend of his could have given it to him, is another.

I really hope this is making a bit more sense. If it isn't, and others agree with you, this needs a MAJOR rewrite.

Tommy, help me out here, then (and maybe I can help you at the same time)...

The script begins with One "sitting up in bed, dozing."  His eyes even move under his lids, meaning he is alive, correct?

In the same scene, "a knock at the door, brings One back to reality", so we have to assume this is all playing out in real time, right?

Then Two enters the house, and we are to assume it was he who was knocking.

Next, we get this Flashback, which isn't a Flashback at all - it's One's dream - but isn't One actually dead the entire time?

Then Two walks up to the bedroom, identical to the opening scene when One was sitting up in bed dreaming.

You see my point, or no?

Anyone else care to jump in here?

I have realised the script is not clear, I concede that.

I may be able to explain it though.

Two comes to see his brother a few times a week. The brother spends a lot of time dozing in bed as he is depressed and contemplating killing himself.

The first scene is one of those times, a while ago.

The second scene and the very last scene are the same and are the present.

The large middle scene is the flashback which happened before the present where one of the times that One was dozing, he actually brought himself to kill himself.

I kind of get it with your explanation, but not sure I would have without it.  I can see two major problems muddying the waters here.

The first is the exasperating names of One and Two.  No point for that, at least, none that I can see -- just give them proper names.

Also, I think there is far too much talk here, and you are getting off point with all the stuff about life choices and house arrests.  And how would he have gotten the gun anyway under such circumstances?

You could simplify things by making the one brother very ill, to the point of being bedridden.  Lots of IV tubes and beeping machines and whatnot.

His jealousy and hopelessness would still be there -- and we could grasp this envy instantly, without explanation -- so you would not have to get bogged down in all the minutia of the backstory.

Just a thought.

Bert is right - way too much dialogue that goes nowhere and actually muddies the waters more than anything else.

I also think using a Flashback is a big mistake for at least 2 reasons:

First, as I've said, it's not actually a Flashback - it appears to be a dream.

Secondly, the big issue for me is the POV - as in who's POV is this coming from?  It appears to be coming from One, but One is dead in the present time period of the script, right?  Basically, the bulk of this script appears to be a dream from a dead guy.

I can't seem to get around this, as it just doesn't make sense to me.

And, ordering guns online for delivery?  God, I hope that isn't remotely legal...

Tommy,

Okay, so if I understand you here the ‘dream’ sequence takes place before the first scene.

However, the events taking place in ‘One's dream’ (One shooting Two) have real-time consequences (One’s suicide) which makes the placing of the ‘dream’ sequence before the first scene which happened ‘one of those times a while ago’ confusing to the reader -- he'd already be dead.

The second scene and the final scene are the ‘real time scenes’  -- okay, got that.

The main body of the story, or 3rd scene is One’s dream sequence. The term ‘flashback’ isn’t helping you here. I'd use a flashback to reference a past event/sequence that’s actually taken place.  As the 3rd scene only takes place in One’s head, it needs to be presented as a ‘dream sequence’.

The fact that it has real-world consequences needs to be presented clearer in the narrative. Showing One accidentally killing Two in the dream followed by One dead in his bed leaves a lot of room for confusion.

Take another look at the logline -- ‘bedridden’ implies he’s ill, too ill to move, not under ‘house arrest’.

Good luck with it, Im sure you can iron this out.  

I’m gonna need a lot more coffee...

Steve.