Eleven Eleven by James Williams (jwent668 - Short, Horror - Shortly after being tricked into activating a curse she thought was to bring good luck, a young woman learns she has eleven hours and eleven days to reverse the spell before a demon comes for her soul. 25 pages - pdf, format

As a fan of your script "Teaching With Violence" I was anxious to give this a read.  There's not much to say other than the fact that you delievered %100.  This creepy little tale made the hair on the back of my neck stand straight up.

Excellent format, great twist, the story as a whole - spot on.  

Hey James, glad you submitted this.

Has this changed from the one you sent me?  If it hasn't, it seems pretty pointless leaving my thoughts as you already know them lol.  

I will say that this a great short....with potential for more.

Thanks for the read M,

This was an odd length short I started a year ago. Finished a couple months ago and let it sit.  Tried to coerce Bert into giving me a Tanis intro/outtro. Always loved that part of Soulshadows. Unfortunately I never got to write one. This would've been my half hour episode...

Thanks for the advance read Alffy,

I haven't changed a thing. I'm lazy...

James

I have to say that was a fun read (what does that say about me.  I rarely read a script with so few problems.  I even hate to mention one of them because it seems like I am picky.  I only wrote down one, and can't even remember the other.  I just read.  Good job with this.  Thanks for letting us read it.

Hey James,

Don't have much to say on this one, written with the self-assurance of someone who's not only comfortable with his craft but also with this genre and that comes out on the pages throughout.

Crisp, terse sentences which speed this along at a nice pace (I was worried by the 25 page count) but it never felt that long. Some excellent tension built with the video camera technique which feels done to death now in horror but it worked here so well done.

Characters well-written and memorable, even the bit-part players left an imprint with me which is impressive.

I guess the only complaint if you can call it that, more an observation, would be in a genre that can hardly turn out fresh material, this one feels so familiar (Drag Me to Hell and The Ring) come instantly to mind. Not that is anything wrong familiarity, I watch every Bond movie and they're always basically the same thing.

It was also nice not to have the usual pesky Gypsies cursing someone.

Fine work - Good stuff.  

Thanks for the read Jeremiah, glad you liked it.

Coop, I owe you big time. I always scan the boards for scripts by members I know. If I can return the favor I'd be happy to.

I think part of the reason I let this sit so long is because I felt it was pretty vanilla. I can see the familiarity to other stories. Plus, it's just an odd length. I don't see anyone trying to film this.

At the same time, it does me no good to let it sit on my PC, so I posted it. I haven't written anything in a little while so it was time to shake off some rust before I tackle re-writing my feature... Which I have no ambition to do because re-writing sucks!

James

Mr. Cleveland, I agree with you...I always search for new scripts by members I know and it's few and far between lately.  I was very happy to see a new one from you.  Read this Saturday morning (majorly HUGE party weekend, BTW), and spent the rest of the weekend in an alcohol induced fog.

So, I had to open the script up again this morning to take some actual notes.

But, before we do that, let me give you my impressions from the read Saturday:

I liked it.  IMO, it's easily your best effort, writing-wise and story-wise.  Although some may say it's cliche or unoriginal, I'd say that what you did is something I always try and do, and you were successful here, in that you took something we've seen before, but alter4ed it so that it played out uniquely and we never really knew what to expect.

I agree the page length is "odd" or a problem, and this would be a worthy addition to Soul Shadows (as well as a perfect length).

OK, let's look a few technical things that may help, as well as a few things that were very impressive.

"CLYDE, 42, every bit as rugged as his name." - I was very worried when I hit this intro in your 2nd passage.  First of all, what is rugged about the name Clyde?  I don't know if this is serious or supposed to be a joke, but it doesn't work for me at all.  It';s also a classic fragment, missing a verb, which make the line rather meaningless to me.

"C.C." - Since you never tell us what C.C. stands for, using periods is unnecessary, IMO.  Look how it reads every time it shows up - kind of strange, IMO.  I'd suggest just "CC".

The fitness club scenes were a waste, IMO.  I think you've got like 2 or 3 full pages and I just don't see what they bring to the table.

Not sure what the Skynard song has to do with anything here.

I see this fairly often, and I always think there's got to be a better way - I'm talking about the psychic.  I just do not buy that Tina, or anyone remotely like her, would just hop into any old psychic readings place.  I understand the rationale behind these types of scenes, but I don't appreciate them, because they never bring anything new to the table.

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, there are several scenes here that don't really need to be here.  You could chop this down to under 20 pages fairly easily, but that's still a long short.  Could it be expanded into a feature?  Maybe...it actually could.  Just a thought.

The dialogue exchange with earl and Tina is well done.

While I'm thinking about it, Tina has some issues with me, and they play off the earlier mentioned fitness club scenes as well as the camera setup stuff in her town home.  Tina is 26 and appears to be a trainer at a gym, for her job.  She lives alone in what sounds like a decent to nice place.  She can't make much money doing what she's doing, yet she's able to afford to have a guy come in and set up night vision cameras all over the place?  She's either too young and/or needs a higher paying profession.

Page 12 is both good and not so good, IMO.  I like how it would look onscreen, but I do not like how it's written.  We're looking at the screen, so I don't know why you repeat "a key is struck" over and over, as that is not on the screen.

Your "shadowy beast" is well intro'd and well described. I'm impressed!  The neon blue eyes on the screen are also well done.

It's a great twist you bring in soon after, in that Tina has to kill Saki - but, again, personally, I don't like how it has top be explained by the psychic.

I'm going to throw out another compliment in your little note from Dad with the gun.  It's these little things...these attentions to details that usually have no rhyme or reason that make a script/movie come off as "real" and believable.  I even like Tina better now, as I see a little of her life outside the script.  Good job here!

Probably my favorite part of the script is the stalking of Saki and the twist that hunted is actually prey.  Here's where you made this your own and it really works well, IMO.  The mall scenes, as well as the basement scenes.  All very impressive and well thought out.  Love the punch to her jaw, as it really wasn't expected by me at all, and I love how you changed the direction.

Pretty good wrap up as well.

All in all, a very solid script.  I'm impressed, James.  Good job, bro.

I am moving on. I have done the unthinkable. I have... Impressed Jeff.

Just gonna wallow in this for a day or two. Nobody can take this moment away from me!

Academy awards don't mean shit next to a JB thumbs up!

Yeah, yeah, he's got some gripes. I will address them, But I'm wallowing in moment for now1!!


James

Wallow all you want, my friend.  This is a fine effort.  Hopefully you get a ton of reads, because it's not often an actual good short shows it's teeth around these parts.

Hey James,

Had a look. Nice work. Apologies if anything is repeated but I try these days to stick to my notes and read others after, makes for a better comparison.

I couldn't make detailed notes as I went so here's a few "high level" thoughts ;

Title - like it, intrigues
Page length - bit long isn't it? for a short.

Concept - I like this alot, reminded me a bit of 23, the obsession with a number.

Scenes - for a short, you move around a lot. If You want this produced it would need to be slimmed down IMO

Balance - I like the flow. An early foreshadowing start that doesn't really go with the story but sets up the fear, the foreboding. Mind you, I did think the shot man had some super powers having been shot, but this doesn't appear to be the case later on. May confuse a touch. This leads on to the challenge, the realisation and the resolution.

Tina - you take a single girl and force her to be a killer. Nothing wrong with this but I feel you could have done with a little more suggestion that she is capable, has an aggressive streak eg does kick boxing at the gym. The scene in the mall with the ties, not sure that's the best, although I appreciate it gives him a chance to reverse the tables.

I absolutely loved the line about prime rib!!  Impressive.

Overall a decent script and a good idea which I think needs to be either;

Shortened into a punchy two/three location short

Or

And I think this is possible, extended into a low budget feature idea. The emphasis would be on the fear, the psychological affects, the ominous thought of being followed/tracked. Is ther ea beast, what is it, why, whats iit want, how can this be resolved etcObviously needs a lot more to it, but I like the idea. Amongst other things, it's catchy.

Cheers

Hey James.

Just saw this pop up on the boards this morning, so I took a read.

Pretty impressive.  It's definately my favorite of yours that I've read, and I remember really liking 'Teaching With Violence'.

However, as good and interesting as it was, there were a couple irks I had with it here and there.  One thing to remember before I start griping though, this is definately a very intriguing concept.

All right, a couple notes as I was reading:

I was definately into the story into the first 10 pages, but I think the scenes go by way too fast and the things that happen on-screen are a little too convenient for the story.  How it's always 11:11 and all that.  Of course this is a very fast paced story and a brisk read because of how short the scenes are, but I would have liked a little insight into her regular life and how she is.

The reason I say that is because I didn't totally buy into the fact that she would be a girl who would just jump right in and believe everything that's going on without questioning it, which is what she does.  She just automatically believes and automatically goes to a psychic to talk about it without ever thinking twice.

There's also a lot of awkward exchanges going on.  Like with her and Saki, then with her and Mrs. Reynolds, then with her and Earl.  I don't know if you were trying to go black comedy with parts of this, but some of the character exchanges were just reading a little too off-kilter for me.

Now I have a couple questions.

Saki passed it on to her so he would be freed of the curse, right?  But the psychic tells Tina that she has to kill the person who tricked her into it.  So can Tina just pass the curse on to somebody else and be free?  And why doesn't Saki have to kill the person who passed the curse along to him?

Reading on, I see that now not only does Tina have to kill Saki, but now she has to pass the curse on, too.  I guess it kind of answers my question above about Saki, but it's still leaving me a little confused as to what's exactly going on with the curse.

All right, one last gripe and I can go back to the compliments.

I didn't really like how at the end, Saki walks into the room afterwards and it's completely empty.  Then, after watching the video, Tina's suddenly back in the room.  It just kind of felt like a cheat to me.  Where did she go to?  Wasn't the room locked?  Maybe I missed something.

All right, back to the praises.

This is definately an intriguing concept and I very much liked the story as a whole.  I think this would have made a great Soul Shadows excerpt, which kind of brings me to the length of this story.

I have no problems whatsoever with 15-30 page shorts.  In fact, I rather prefer them because we have time to get into the characters, and I have no problem with this 23 page story.  But, I know producers and directors have problems with them.  I've come across a few directors who actually prefer the lengthier shorts.  Unfortunately, none of them are interested in horror stories, (which will expand the budget), so I can't exactly guide them to 'Eleven Eleven'.

But this could easily be expanded into a feature.  (You'll hear a lot of people say that, trust me.)  Now, I know you brought up your laziness factor, but trust me when I say it could be easily done.

I think we kind of need to see how Tina met Saki and why she would go out with a sleaze like that in the first place.  I'm guessing she met him in much the same way she tried to revenge-seduce him back.  But that doesn't seem like her M.O. from what we know about her in her talk with her mom.

Another way you could expand this is to have Tina delve in and find out the origin of the curse, which might clear up the confusion I had with totally understanding the curse in the first place.

Those are just some thoughts I had.

Like I said, all in all, I really enjoyed this one.  It had a great creepiness factor to it and you know I'm not that into supernatural stories too much.

Great job and good luck with this one, James, whatever you decide to do with this.

- Mark

Quoted from Dreamscale "CLYDE, 42, every bit as rugged as his name." - I was very worried when I hit this intro in your 2nd passage.  First of all, what is rugged about the name Clyde?  I don't know if this is serious or supposed to be a joke, but it doesn't work for me at all.  It';s also a classic fragment, missing a verb, which make the line rather meaningless to me.

I always thought Clyde was about as tuff as it gets when it comes to names. I don't know why, Even Jack seems tough to me because of all those years I watched him beat up the little rascals.

Quoted from Dreamscale The fitness club scenes were a waste, IMO.  I think you've got like 2 or 3 full pages and I just don't see what they bring to the table.

The problem with this is that it's either too short or too long. That scene is just to show Tina having a bad day. Then she touches red again when she see's the clock. She wants some good luck to fall her way.

I was trying to keep it interesting while the script goes through it's motions. It was difficult to write about someone touching Red three times whilst the clock strikes 11:11.

Quoted from Dreamscale I see this fairly often, and I always think there's got to be a better way - I'm talking about the psychic.  I just do not buy that Tina, or anyone remotely like her, would just hop into any old psychic readings place.  I understand the rationale behind these types of scenes, but I don't appreciate them, because they never bring anything new to the table.

I see your point. She is conveniently placed. But, Lucinda is the driving factor to the end of the story. Without this information, Tina has no idea what to do. I couldn't figure a better way to deliver it.

Quoted from Dreamscale Tina is 26 and appears to be a trainer at a gym, for her job.  She lives alone in what sounds like a decent to nice place.  She can't make much money doing what she's doing, yet she's able to afford to have a guy come in and set up night vision cameras all over the place?  She's either too young and/or needs a higher paying profession.

This is where you piss me off. I understand your gripe, but come on! Who's gonna question this sitting through a 20 minute film? I did say it was a quaint townhouse. And it only has one bedroom. Probably rent pretty cheap.

btw, I dated a trainer for years. She had hit and miss weeks. But you can average 50-60k as a trainer if you're willing to work. Other than that, yeah, they don't make dick.


Huge thanks for the review, Jeff. I know people see your name pop on their script's thread and cringe! I don't I look forward to it!

I remember reading your SoulShadows script! I just wanted to write one too!!!

James

Quoted from Reef Dreamer for a short, you move around a lot. If You want this produced it would need to be slimmed down IMO

Reef, Bill! I hope that's your name. I remember reading an OWC of yours and liking it very much. Funny, when I quote you it reads Sarre1.

This is a very odd length script. I don't expect anyone to produce it.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Tina - you take a single girl and force her to be a killer. Nothing wrong with this but I feel you could have done with a little more suggestion that she is capable, has an aggressive streak eg does kick boxing at the gym. The scene in the mall with the ties, not sure that's the best, although I appreciate it gives him a chance to reverse the tables.

Gotta just disagree with you here. I think the strongest part of the story is forcing her to kill someone and she's not a killer. It's either her or him as explained by Lucinda.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer And I think this is possible, extended into a low budget feature idea.

I think I will hear this a few times. I'm not sure I can expand this to an 80pg mark. I don't think the goods are there. Plus, I've found how hard it really is to write a feature. Shorts are easy.

huge thanks for the read, I probably owe ya at this juncture. PM me if you have something you'd like me to look at!


James

Hi there James,

Quoted from jwent6688 Gotta just disagree with you here. I think the strongest part of the story is forcing her to kill someone and she's not a killer. It's either her or him as explained by Lucinda.

Disagree with me! Who could possibly disagree with me, err...well, anyway moving on...

The reason for replying is that this actually raises an interesting point in scripts, namely plausibility. Often we are asking a character to do something they haven't before, or in unusual circumstances etc etc Do we believe it. Different genres seem to permit different things and to be honest i am still learning what is permitted.

One film i remember, An Innocent Man, has Tom Selick, who was an aircraft engineer i think, kill a "bady" in prison. I didn't buy it, even though his life was threatened. The way it was portrayed seemed too unlikely. Maybe that was me.

Whereas, in Romancing the Stone, the lead woman, a reclusive writer, fly's off to Colombia and starts an epic journey. Whilst the genre is different, i did buy this. Why? I think there a few reasons, including the actors, but  i suppose one reason is motivation. in RTS the woman is going to save her sister, she has to. We understand that, besides we don't yet know what is in store. So in affect it is whether she gets on a plane, which we all can relate. Can a passive guy, who hasn't shown much capability or violence, suddenly stab a guy in the shower and snap the blade leaving it in him - didn't work for me.


In your script, i can see your point, she is forced to, since there is a monster trying to get her and if she doesn't, she will die. OK pretty good motivation. I suppose where i was coming from was that, as this is a major jump,  to help the viewer/reader accept she is able to do this, if you used a scene in the gym where she showed her self to be capable (e.g. stands up for another woman against a big ugly man) we could have an image, not of a violent person, but one that wouldn't crumble under the circumstances.

I'll stop rambling now.

All the best