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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Slay Dreamer Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 23rd, 2012, 4:32am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Slay Dreamer by Bryson G (13thchamber) - Short, Comedy, Thriller - A man uses his 'creative mind' to deal with his micromanaging boss. 9 pages - pdf, format


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crookedowl
Posted: September 23rd, 2012, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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Bryson,

From what I've heard, writing quality itself isn't one of my strong points, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

I noticed that there are a few parts where the action lines could be tightened. You could probably cut a whole page out of this is you tried.

Also:

"The work place houses plain cubicles, and a handful of
busy-bodied young professionals.

One sits in his cubicle. JAMES, one of the young
professionals."

I dunno...you said "young professionals" two paragraphs in a row. This could be written better.

There were a few grammar mistakes, but nothing major:

"Timothy, is the middle-aged supervisor of the office." No need for the comma.

"As Timothy makes a mountain out of a mole hill. James just
tunes him out." Comma, not period.

"Timothy sits behind the desk, James sits in front of it." Comma splice.

Second slug "INT. TIMOTHY'S OFFICE - DAY
LATER"

You can just write "INT. TIMOTHY'S OFFICE - LATER". Saves a whole line.

I liked the first fantasy sequence, but I think James could say something better than just "hello" at the end.

I found the second fantasy sequence a bit confusing, but maybe that's just me.

Overall I enjoyed this, though I found the ending a bit anticlimactic. I'm not saying James should shoot Timothy or anything, but it's kinda obvious he's gonna quit, so I would have liked to see some kind of twist or final joke or something. Maybe that's just me.
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Steex
Posted: September 25th, 2012, 3:11am Report to Moderator
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I agree with everything stated above.
There are quite a few redundancies.
I see where you are going with this script, but unfortunately, I don't really see a story here.
I was trying to figure out what you were trying to say, or what the meaning is.

Everyone can relate to fantasizing about doing horrible things to their superiors.
But, after the first fantasy, it kinda falls flat in my opinion. You could use some heightening. The second fantasy is for the most part, the same as the first.

Also, since this is a comedy piece, I would suggest using the rule of 3's. You could do one more outrageous fantasy. More elaborate and crazy. Really give it to his boss.

I would definitely suggest a twist at the end.
Possibly, the boss asks, "so you're quitting?" and James says "no, (insert joke here)".
Just an idea.

Overall, it read well and very quickly. A few rewrites and you could have a nice little script here. Good job!


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13thChamber
Posted: September 25th, 2012, 6:26am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback. I used this for a class assignment, and the teacher pointed out the redundant writing. Plus, Steex...I did add another fantasy to the rough draft that I handed in. It's a boxing scene in which the main character decimates his superior in the ring. Anyway, thanks for the reads and feedback.


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Forgive
Posted: September 25th, 2012, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Bryson - good to see you have something up - I checked it a couple of times before leaving anything.

First off, and to be honest, I think your writing is lacking, and I don't mean your script-writng per se - I mean your fundamental understanding of how to write.

I don't think it's anything major - but I did wonder, do you have any books at home on Grammar? If you do - you should check them; if you don't you should buy some.

Scene two doesn't need the 'later' mini in there. It has to be later by default, and the only other way to concatenate the time span, would be to see the guys moving to the office. As that hasn't occured we can assume some (indeterminable) time span.

Timothy's dialogue is dull, and I think you intended that, but I'm not sure you need it. The V.O., I quite liked - it reminded me of 'Wanted', except in that film (script) there was very little dialogue by any others - we kind of 'get the picture' (until we get to Boss Janice). If it's not adding anything, then maybe dump it?

I'd take the 'Fantasy' out of the slug, to be honest - it's not part of the location factors, and a 'BEGIN ...' does the job just as well.

Middle of page three, there is a comedy response, and it's a bit slap-stick. There's a risk that the reader hasn't been set up for a comedy at this stage, and that needs addressing. Earlier there's a couple of dull moments with Timothy that could be used as a 'set-up' opportunity - even as early as when Timothy is leaning over James' shoulder (Timothy gets his tie in James' coffee etc - tone-setting).

The only other thing I'd be looking out for is a little motivation - there's a danger you're turning James into someone who's a little unhinged -- why does he hate his boss so much? Aside from being a little dull Timothy's done no real wrong - you could try and make Timothy out to be a real a.ss - picking on James etc.

You've got the outline of something worthwhile here, but there's flesh needed on the bones, IMO.
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Steex
Posted: September 25th, 2012, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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Let me know if and when you post a new draft.
Look forward to reading it.


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danbotha
Posted: October 1st, 2012, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bryson,

Have to say after reading the previous comments I was expecting a script that was full of redundancies, making this an awful read... I was pleasantly surprised when I couldn't actually pin-point many errors in the writing. The errors you have made are ones that can only be picked up by a few of the veteran writers here. I am not one of those. For me, the writing wasn't actually that bad.

The story, on the other hand, I didn't find myself enjoying. There's nothing exactly original about this piece IMO. How many times have we seen a person day-dreaming or fantasizing about leaving his job? A lot, IMO. It's a concept that is over-done and will probably continue to be over-done for years to come.

Having said that, I do think that there is a marketable idea behind this. Over-done topics can be good for markability (is that a word?). Some producers will often take the bait when they see a concept that is familiar. People like familiar stuff. Why do you think zombie movies are so successful? It's a familiar plot.

Here are a few things I picked up:

Page 1: "Timothy is the middle-aged supervisor of the office." - How can the audience see this? I can see that showing that Timothy is a man who abuses his power is something that needs to be portrayed. Maybe try...

"Timothy polishes his "Supervisor" badge." Or something like that? Show, don't tell.

Page 3: "A calm falls over him." - A calm what? A calm look?

Page 5: "The sun oppresses the barren land that lies beneath it." Love this line. Some awesome imagery emitted from that. You've shown that you can show, rather than tell here.

Overall, I wouldn't say this is bad. It just lacks (for me) an original concept. I feel that this type of story has been told too many times. Hasn't the world seen enough? However, it is marketable. I know if I was a director, I'd not hesitate to consider filming this.

Keep writing!

Dan


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