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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Locker 927 Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 1st, 2012, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Locker 927 by Robert Holbrook (kitsilano99) - Horror, Supernatural - A mysterious last request from her dying grandfather leads a New York office worker to a self-storage locker in a haunted old building in San Francisco. 93 pages - pdf, format


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Forgive
Posted: October 1st, 2012, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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Okay. Tried to figure out if this was the same Robert Holbrook of Mr Tesla and F13th series fame, and then had a face-slap moment when I saw the kitsilano99 name. Same as on Circalit. I believe Mr Tesla was a quarter finalist?

Well, I had a quick look at this, and it seems fairly solidly written. I'm going to wait to see if you're on the board first though.
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kitsilano99
Posted: October 31st, 2012, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hi SiColl007, yes I'm the writer of Mr Tesla, etc... that script was also semi finalist in Fade In awards, but notably grand prize winner at Cinequest and runner-up at the Sundance table read competition.  Did you happen to read it?  
I was completely unawarre of Circalit until you mentioned it here.  I'll have to explore that site a little more.
I've been away from this website for awhile, been very busy with work and life, didn't know Locker 927 had been uploaded until recently.  I submitted it in August.
I want to read some of the scripts here, especially low budget stories, either thrillers or something completely original.  I'm looking to find something under 200 K budget for me to direct.  My script unfortunately can't be shot for that budget as you'll see.
Cheers,
R

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kitsilano99  -  October 31st, 2012, 3:00pm
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: November 10th, 2012, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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Good to see you visit the boards.


So, I'm at the half way point in the story, and I'll give as a quick a overview of the things I noticed likes/dislikes. At the outset structurally you have a good launch, the protagonist, Anna, is dealing with an issue before the hook arrives (promise the premise makes). She's at an undesirable job, struggling to have a child which as a result causes her fiancé to leave her. You're brining her to a fragile state of mind which is a trademark technique in horror genre. What i like most from what you did with this launch is you connected it to the actually hook, in that the Anna's inner desire is to have a baby or family of her own and the ordeal she'll have to face deals with that when she has to learn about her past (family). I will say that it appears you got a little away from that connection as far as her wanting the child, maybe some suddenly hints that it's something that continues to way on here mind. Another issues was that some of the dialogue read awkwardly.


I don't find the asian girls scary as they are written on the page, however, I do see the potential they will provide on the screen. Good opportunity for "jump scenes" (not my favorite technique but can be effective nonetheless. I'm interested to see how you tie them into this building, the key and what that has to do with Anna. And honestly them being Asian, I'm wondering if you'll go the direction IMO would work best, and not just because asian ghost girls are creepy (which they are, haha). My favorite "scare" scene is the bodies hitting the top of the elevator, and the way it is written on the page, as well as just riding up and down the elevator, not knowing if something would jump out (because that's what usually happens).


I'll finish up, and get back to you with some final thoughts.

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: November 10th, 2012, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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OK, just finished up. Solid ending, wrapped pretty much everything up. My only knock was that Anna didn't learn anything insightful about herself. Again, this goes to what I said before her issue was dealing not being able to have children, and the story almost completely getting away from that. One could conclude that her saving the girls can be seen as some representation as how she would fair if she was a mother, but that connection isn't even hinted at. You continued to move the plot along, good to see, while you didn't have a main opponent you replaced it with the mystery of what happened and had Anna discover things, which prevented the middle and end from dragging. In your writing, I did notice you where explaining or telling me things rather than showing.


Again, the elevator hitting the roof when Anna was in it was my favorite creepy scene, and I liked how you tied that into the ending. Nice. You did exactly what I thought would be the best and logical outcome for why asian girls where in the building, because I was praying you didn't jus throw asian girls in there because they were creepy, but you tied it in logical showing they were imported. I thought you had enough balance with the action that was happening in the present to offset all that was showing in the past, and almost avoiding the pitfall of having a past story that is more interesting than your present one. I say almost because at one point I was like this story should be the one written with older asian being the main character, but it was only for a sec.


Good read, man. I enjoyed reading a middle that didn't drag cause the plot was stalled for too long or there was little plot. Would have liked to see Anna's inner need tied into the ending more, but still solid ending (put a good image in my head with the asian workers huddled around Anna, then them all running to the roof).

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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kitsilano99
Posted: November 16th, 2012, 1:56am Report to Moderator
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Thanks BLB !
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Irishstu
Posted: November 19th, 2012, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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This is a great read, solid formatting and nicely paced thought out.  Do agree with some of the comments above.  She couldn't have children and by doing this good deed at the end, she kinda mothered the Asian girls, I think this is where you were going with this? If so,  I think it could of been a lot more obvious.  

I really enjoyed this.
          Stu.
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kitsilano99
Posted: November 20th, 2012, 3:36am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Stu!
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