Five Days for Redemption by Jeremiah Johnson - Short, Drama - A man loses everything in one day. Five days later he gets his revenge, and all he wanted was some ice cream.  9 pages - pdf, format

So, Jeremiah, I've seen you posting reviews lately, which is always cool and saw you had no reads yet.  Quid Pro Quo is how it works, and that's why I'm giving you feedback here.

So, is your name a call out to the awesome old Redford flick?

Anyways...

I have a feeling this is 1 of your first scripts and if that's true, it ain't all that bad.  You've told a classic tale of sorrow and revenge, but did you bring anythign new to the table?  Nah, not really, but I rarely tell peeps that they have to come up with something unique.  I think you have to do the best you can with what you choose to write.

Be on the lookout for orphans, as you have an awful lot of totally useless little buggers running around looking for a family.  Easy to fix up, once you understand why.

Several mistakes in formatting, because your action is clearly a montage or series of shots several times, in which you didn't address the passing of time - which you always need to within a single Slug.

Some very awkward, long sentences that can easily be fixed up, but my advice is to seriously read each and every line 15+ times before you finish your edit.

Some grammar errors as well, but nothing too crazy.

General comments -

Dialogue - at times, really wooden and on the nose, but somehow, even with this, I saw some life here and some potential for good dialogue.

Structure - Not really sure what to say here...but I will say this - there are formatting errors in your timeline and structure here, but...and this is a BIG BUT...somehow, I kinda liked the disjointed style and flashback structure.  It needs some work, but without the non standard structure, it wouldn't be much of anything, so...I think you definitely showed a little imagination by altering the standard fare.

So, all in all, not bad.  Clean it up and it will read alot better. Good job and glad to see a ne face posting feedback for others.

Hey Jeremiah,

Interesting take on revenge but I have one issue with the beginning. I'm confused that Frank has a five day beard and blue jeans on. Than he approaches apt. 402, knocks on the door and Marie pops out of apt 201. + she's greeted by a clean shaven Frank who's wearing a sport coat and slacks. My only guess is that after he knocks on apt. 402 things should stop for a flashback. Maybe I'm missing something. All in all not bad, as Jeff pointed out things need to get cleaned up a bit but I liked it. Best of luck on future scripts.

Hey Jeremiah,

Gave this one a read.  It kept me entertained and the structure really saved it from being another hum-drum revenge story.  Some of the actions lines confused me ("tires yelling", "staring at the marker") and the two lovebirds not being able to find ice cream at ANY store is a little far-fetched.  The script needs a good cleaning up but otherwise your idea and performance are sound.

Oh, and the last line cracked me up.  "All I wanted was some f***ing ice cream!"

Gage

I didn't even know this was posted yet!  A big THANKS for the read guys.  I really want to shoot this myself sometime next year.  Microbudget.

@Dreamscale, yep... I live in the mountains and am reminded of that flick almost every day.  His is just a movie, mine is my life!  Thanks for the comments.  I am trying to clean this up a bit.  I know some of the dialog is a bit on the nose, but my problem is - that's how I talk!  I am working on it and you are right, this was my first short.  I did go for a little unconventional with some of the formatting, but will look at it again.  I really was just trying to get the story out there.  Even though I re-read my stuff, I still miss some of the obvious mistakes.  I am going to try the "read it from the end to the beginning" to see if it helps.

@DV44, when he walks up to aparment 402 and then apartment 201 opens, I am trying to tie in the first scene with the last scene.  Hope that makes sense, because if you notice the last scene he has the same five day beard going.  I might make more sense on film.  That is why I want to film this.

@Gage, thanks for the comments.  The "tires yelling" was just so I didn't put the every day "tires screaming" in there.  Just to spice things up a bit!  It wasn't about them finding ANY ice cream, but a SPECIFIC ice cream.  It is supposed to mean something at the end.  Glad you liked my last line.  Again, I hope to make this one myself and am thinking of having him say this line and even a tear roll down his cheek.  Too sappy?  Maybe.  Just a thought.

Thanks again to anyone who reads this and gives me any feedback.  I have enjoyed this site and hope to contribute as much as I can.  My job just keeps getting in the way of my writing and fun!!

Hello Jeremiah,

I think you read one of mine so happy to return the favour.

Overall i liked it but there is some confusion;

1] the start with the different rooms always made me feel there was twist on the way, that she lives, which didn't happen. Be careful not to lead your viewers/readers up the wrong path without a solution.

The first Super of today, i think you could drop this, everything else in then in the past from that scene.

2] dialogue - i quite liked some of this, the woman/man interaction was good - having said that if they were going to be engaged, possibly it should have been a bit more natural rather than first date ish -  although at the end could do with a few tweaks.

Does he need the policeman's help?

3] Punks - he bumped into them in the apartment block, so the first place to look - why does he need to know where they are?

4] the excessive search for ice seemed a tad over the top, yeah one shop, but why others what does that add. all you need to do is set up the scene

Shorts often need a twist, a payoff. I didn't feel like this had one. He's angry, wants revenge, shots one of them, the end.

if you wanted a cheesy twist why don't you find they have the rocky road ice cream which he walks off with? or something like the answer phones goes off just after he's killed the punk only to hear its mother talking of him coming around for sunday lunch etc etc did he do the right thing style of finish?

All the best

Reef,
Thanks for the read.  You have brought up some good points.  I am looking at a rewrite on this so I really appreciate the feedback from people here on SS.  To your notes:
1.  I don't think it came off on paper like I see it play out on film.  When he first walks up, it should be the same as the end when he walks up.  When Marie answers, is when it goes back to the five days earlier.  I will look to see if I can word this better.
2.  I still have trouble with my dialogue, but continue to work on it.  My biggest problem is I talk on-the-nose, so I have to think how it should be done not how I do it.  I kept the couple's playful talking/manner in there to hopefully have the mood of the romance/sexy feel.
3.  Does he need the cop?  Really, no.  I have experienced someone dying, and I was a mess and couldn't think.  I put this in the story because I hoped to portray him being too upset to "figure it out", so I used the cop to provide the address.  I can easily change this.  You aren't the only one to question this part.  Yes, the punks were seen at the complex, but with 4 floors of aparments, it could still take a while to find them.  Maybe, if I have him sit out there in the parking lot thinking about Marie dying, it would give it more emotion when he sees them again and follows them to their apartment - and their ultimate doom.
4.  Yeah, I will probably change this to only one location.  It was Rocky Road ice cream, so it's kind of specific and it has meaning in the end.  Heck, I made the whole story based on that last line!!

Someone else has suggested that he finds ice cream at the end, possibly in the aparment of the punks.  Something to really finish it off with that last line.

I know there really should be some sort of twist, but I really just made this about that last line.  I might think more about the ending and come up with something else, like Marie still alive and he was just daydreaming about all of this.  Then her last line is, "Hey, do you want some ice cream?"

Thanks again for the notes.  I will try to bang a rewrite out pretty soon.

Hey Jeffrey,

I thought I would give this one a quick read, you’ve been busy leaving feedback for others.

I do like a good revenge tale. I like nothing more than the Stath (or any other action star) going around killing people in an act of vengeance of a loved one – you can’t beat it, simple and to the point.

But I have to admit to be a little bit let down with this one. The ice cream scenario felt like such a stupid dilemma and you had done some good work with the relationship (engagement ring and all) and then let it down with such a lame thing like “we need ice cream”

I would also have liked to have seen more of these punk antagonist’s or least felt them more as a threat… they came across a tad boring for me. Maybe if you install a scene showing them actually rob the CONVENIENCE STORE and kill Marie, then they could be more effective.

So… not a bad revenge tale but I would like more depth to the antags as they are vital to a solid revenge story, the audience have to hate them as well as liking the protag so give their (Frank’s and Marie) not such a boring problem as ice cream.

I also didn’t care for the pay-off, it felt too easy for Frank to know a higher profile cop with all the info and the end resolution gave me no satisfaction at all. In these types of stories, you have to make the reader/audience want these antagonist’s to get what’s coming to them and I don’t think you achieved that here.

The writing isn’t the best, clunky at times. I want to throw this out because it’s confusing; I think you got a little but mixed up at the beginning with the flashbacks/supers somewhere. He taps the door with a full beard and pistol but the door open to Marie? Get this cleared up.

Otherwise, it’s adequate enough, and I was never really tripped up although there did seem to be a need for a “SERIES OF SHOTS” for the dinner scene.

For a revenge tale, it’s simple but could be a lot better if you expand it and give the antags more of a threat… make the reader hate them.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Steve,
Thanks for the review!  This was my first short.  You are correct, there are issues.  Hopefully, some of the above comments will clear up the opening scene.  It still needs some work, but maybe you can see where I was going with it.  Let me know if you have any suggestions.  It is a short so don't worry too much about it.  I am thinking of shooting this myself sometime next year, so all of your/other suggestions are taken into account.

I wrote this story around the last line.  Probably not the best idea, but thought I would give it a go.  My hope is to clean this up and maybe even toss entirely the ice cream bit.

You are correct about ratcheting up the punks role in the story.  If I amp it up, it might read better.  Agree, the audience needs to hate them to help justify the end.

As mentioned above, I will probably throw out the bit with the cop.  Increase the protags pain a bit.

I like the idea of SERIES OF SHOTS.  Will look into it.

Again, thanks for the review, notes, and kind words.  I will try to contribute to the site as much as I can.

Hey Jeremiah

I liked this little short, it keep me intrigued til the end, didn't mind the whole ice cream chasing.

I just wasn't sure if the punks were tailing them the whole time, after all they had been they had tried a few stores and this was the only time Marie got out of the car or was it just a coincidence that Marie was in the same store, we're they only going in to kill Marie or rob the store?

overall a lot of other issues have already been brought up... But I still liked it

Good Job

Mark

Mark,
Thanks for the read.  Glad you liked it o.k.  It has it's issues, but I continue to try to improve.  I have a crapload of stories just waiting to get out.

Hi Jeremiah, I enjoyed the read, but I also agree.... some parts are a little confusing.

I was thrown off a little the way the beginning of the story transitioned.  I think it would be less confusing if the second SUPER: 5 DAYS AGO went directly after the Knock.knock.knock.

Also, another confusing thing for me and excuse me if it's irrelevant, but I was under the impression that they were still searching for "Rocky Road" after they fill up with gas, but Marie made the statement about the ice cream melting... IDK, again, possibly irrelevant.

Anywho, I enjoyed the read.  

Thanks for the read justwrite.  I think you are correct about the placement of the SUPER.  That is one of the things that needs fixing in the next rewrite.  The "before it melts" line is meant to be a joke and didn't come off like I wanted.  Here are other things planned for the next rewrite:
1. Take out the cop part.  I will probably have him sitting in the parking lot waiting for the punks.
2. Enhance the role the punks play, so more sympathy/justification for my protag.
3. Fix the ending.  Less cheese, more twist.
4. Amp up the pain.  Some suggested showing Marie getting shot.  I also might have the vision of punk#1 in Frank's mind as he waits for them.
5. Freshen the dialog.

More to come from this.  I hope to shoot this myself, unless someone with better time on their hands wants a crack at it!

Thanks again.

I think a cool replacement/ending to the cop scene would be that Frank finds himself in a grocery store--in the ice cream section--then he sees someone go for the Rocky Road. He looks up and it's none other than one of the punks. He's with his girlfriend, they have a shopping cart, and a kid in it. Fade to black, audience makes up the rest. Does Frank pull out a gun and shoot the punk? Confront him? Glare at him for a moment, before walking away? It's up to the audience.

Dan, thanks for the response.  I am not sure that is where I want the story to go.  I like some stories, as you said, where the audience has to figure it out.  I just don't this one is of that kind.  Maybe, you could take that and design a story around that kind of concept.  I want to keep the dark, emotional revenge angle.

Thanks for your thoughts.  I am new here as well.