SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 4:26am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Star Island Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 4 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Star Island  (currently 1387 views)
Don
Posted: October 11th, 2012, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Star Island by Nitin Bajaj & Jason Ndegwa - Series - Teen Drama- An ultra-wealthy couple from Star Island, Florida, adopt an orphan teen in NYC, after their daughter recently commit suicide.
Pilot: Audrey begins learning to accustom herself to the wealthy society of Star Island and find out the real reason behind why she was adopted. 48 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Forgive
Posted: October 12th, 2012, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1373
Posts Per Day
0.27
Do you seek to beat us to death with your log-line? You have half succeeded, as I feel suicidal. Can I begin beating myself, now sir?

Look, I'm really sorry, but you just can't describe a disabled child as a 'glass
half-full kind of person' - it's just not not politically correct. Funny. Yes. But for all the wrong reasons.

Regular people. Please don't have a go at me for this until you've read some of it ...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 7
danbotha
Posted: October 12th, 2012, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wellington, New Zealand
Posts
700
Posts Per Day
0.16

Quoted from Forgive
Do you seek to beat us to death with your log-line? You have half succeeded, as I feel suicidal. Can I begin beating myself, now sir?


Oh God. Simon put the wine down!!


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 7
danbotha
Posted: October 12th, 2012, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wellington, New Zealand
Posts
700
Posts Per Day
0.16

Quoted from Forgive

Regular people. Please don't have a go at me for this until you've read some of it ...


He's not wrong, though. I feel bad, so I'll see how far I can get.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 7
Forgive
Posted: October 12th, 2012, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1373
Posts Per Day
0.27
I'll give it another go, but I didn't get too far last time. Got to try and be fair though ...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 7
DV44
Posted: October 12th, 2012, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
California
Posts
510
Posts Per Day
0.12
My boss is a "glass half-full kind of person" lol
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 7
TVADDICTS
Posted: October 14th, 2012, 3:07am Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from Forgive

Look, I'm really sorry, but you just can't describe a disabled child as a 'glass
half-full kind of person' - it's just not not politically correct. Funny. Yes. But for all the wrong reasons.

Regular people. Please don't have a go at me for this until you've read some of it ...


Honestly, if you're going to criticize work, first learn to read properly. Audrey, the main character is a 'glass half-full kind of person' not the disabled girl, Carly. And try to be constructive with your commentary.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 - 7
Forgive
Posted: October 14th, 2012, 6:47am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1373
Posts Per Day
0.27
I stand corrected TVaddicts. I don't know if you are the author or not.

Constructively, this does need a lot of work doing on it.

In many of the action lines there are unfilmables:

p3. Today is her birthday, but that doesn't matter to her ...
p8. Audrey feels a little shy and nervous hugging Helene.
p11. she closes the door, emotionally saying goodbye to her room

Parentheses are used too liberally, and many of them need pulling back into action lines.

From a Script-writing perspective, the writing style is sometimes unclear:

Audrey walks to the front door of the house. She sees the
mail and picks it up. As she’s walking back to the kitchen,
she looks through the mail. She notices something different;
she received a letter. She puts all the rest of the mail on
the kitchen counter. Linda notices the letter Audrey still
has in her hand.
-- this could be both shortened and made more clear. There is also the implication that there is a location change here, which has not been recognised.

The set-up is a bit vague and take a little too long to get going. I'd have liked it to have started some time around p4 -- we start to get to the point of things there.

Hope this helps some ...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 7
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Series  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006