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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  When God Owns A Motel - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    When God Owns A Motel - 10/12 OWC  (currently 4350 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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When God Owns A Motel by Anonymous Leroy - Short - In the most unlikely of places, one man gets another shot of redemption. Which path will he choose? - pdf, format


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irish eyes
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Leroy
The use of Dante's inferno and placing it into a motel.... Very Creative
The use of good vs evil .... well done
Not much focus on the hurricane... but so far nobody has.

the writing is pretty good...
Microbudget... Check

Overall one of my favs
Good job on entering

Mark


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kingcooky555
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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The title, and the names Virgil/Dante were strong hints to where this was going. Indeed it did go that route or going room by room like the poem...

I was expecting Dante to wake up from a dream, because it just seemed so unrealistic how Dante can have the patience to go room by room and get lectured by this guy. Overall, it was okay. I was expecting a twist, but I didn't find any so the ending felt flat. Unless of course Beatrice was a twist or something, but I'm not sure who this person is as she's only mentioned at the end.
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ABennettWriter
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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Unlike Dante's Inferno, this script is super preachy. Dialogue heavy. Nothing really happens. Dante doesn't learn anything.

I like the concept but the execution needs help.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Damn...this makes 2 in a row I'm not going to finish.

Listen, nothing is horrible about this, but it's so incredibly predictable.  I actually skimmed to the end and see no twist or anything to make me want to actually slog through this.

Now, I said there was nothing horrible about the writing, but there is a huge mistake that you make over and over and over and it actually led me to want to stop reading.  Your use of the ellipses is very, very incorrect.  If you're going to use them in your action/description lines, and you definitely can, you have to understand how they work and what they mean.  You continually throw them in your prose for no reason at all, then you skip a space and use a capital letter, which is all wrong.  No spaces between the words being separated by the ellipses, and no capital letter, as it's not a new sentence.  Use them sparingly.

OK, sorry, but this one did not engage me at all and really brought nothing to the table, as both characters were flatline and we've all seen and heard this story 100's of times. Good on you for entering, though.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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I have to agree with ABSteel. Super preachy is keeping it light. I remember a few years back when I wrote a script like this one (in terms of talking so damn much with absolutely nothing else happening) and reading it now is a chore, just like this.

Dante just followed and they each just kept talking. And, while I'm a fan of ellipses, Jeff is right about them being used incorrectly a lot.

I can't say there's anything particularly wrong with the story because you're basically just following what we all know (or, have at least heard of). It was just that it was very bland and a chore to get through.

D.


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Ledbetter
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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I didn’t really see any problems with this.

The religious theme was actually well done. I like thought provoking dialogue that brings into question, peoples choices and the consequences that come with those choices.

So far as the criteria for the OWC goes, I think it missed the mark on bringing home some of the elements required.

The formatting & dialogue were good and it read clean and quick.

It reminded me of that episode of the The Twilight Zone where they has satin locked up in a room with only a staff across the door. Great episode!!!

Shawn…..><
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crookedowl
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 11:21pm Report to Moderator
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Solid writing, but a tad predictable.

You have some thought-provoking dialogue, plus an interesting idea of setting Dante's inferno in a motel... I do think it's kind of preachy, though. Decent, but needs work.

Great job finishing the OWC.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 8:16am Report to Moderator
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Nice idea, just the delivery was off for me. Like others my issues are;

Preachy and predictable - one room following the other, without variation

No twist, no resolution or lesson. What's the point?

Dante - I knew nothing about him, or Beatrice. Did I need to read the book to know, if so I don't think that's wise.

But, jazz it up, give him some depth, some conflict etc and the march could be interesting

All the best


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pale yellow
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 8:22am Report to Moderator
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This one started out ok for me.

It got old real fast unfortunately. The characters weren't interesting. The over use of ... got annoying to be honest. I have a habit that I'm trying to break of overusing the three dots I love 'em. But they get annoying in a read...so work on that!

This whole piece didn't go far enough for me. It got stale too quick and there wasn't really a twist out of it which I was waiting for...some kind'a pay off.

Good job finishing an owc though


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Gage
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 8:45am Report to Moderator
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Eh, I saw the ending coming from the second we are introduced to the hallway of doors.  Introducing each one got repetitive.  The first page had a few unfilmables and weird introductions, and the dialogue sounds unnatural and needs a lot of work.  Sorry, but I wasn't a big fan of this one.

Good job on finishing the OWC!


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Angry Bear
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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Page 1. Good Friday? That is months before hurricane season.

Virgil and Dante. I guess we’re going to see which circles of hell will be visited.

Page 2. Oh, I see. Each room will represent a circle.

I have to be honest, but by the time I figured out each room was a circle of hell, I started skimming this script because I knew where it was going. I love Dante’s Inferno, btw. I even have a copy on my desk at work. So, well written and all that, but exxtremely predictable.


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Angry Bear
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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I have to add that I actually loved the idea of each room representing a circle of hell. Just didn't like the way you used it, but GREAT idea!


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear
I have to add that I actually loved the idea of each room representing a circle of hell. Just didn't like the way you used it, but GREAT idea!


Not to stomp on the writer here at all, but I'm confused by your comment, Pia.

Pretty much every single reader has said the same thing that this is extremely predictable - actually, it's beyond predictable - it's just a retelling of the tale in a different setting.

What is it that you love about the idea, when you, yourself said you didn't even read on, because you knew exactly where this was going?



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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DV44
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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Predictable, sure. Heavy on the dialogue, sure. But you met the challenges and thats what matters. Congrats on the OWC.
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