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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Bad Juju - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Bad Juju - 10/12 OWC  (currently 4499 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bad Juju by Anonymous Walter - Short - When a hurricane approaches, residents of a flood prone homeless shelter seek refuge at The Hilltop Motel, but some will soon find out the storm isn't their greatest danger. - pdf, format


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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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This was just 'ok' for me.

The characters weren't that interesting. The whole possession thing is starting to get to me after reading so many of these.

good job finishing the owc.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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Wow.

So, listen...I was pretty happy with the writing and everything early on.  I was thinking, that maybe this new batch will be the Bomb Squad coming in.

But then, I starteded totally changing my opinoin, and about half way through, I started wondering what happened to the writing, the dialogue, everything.  I started seriously thinking it was a pisser.  And, I totally appoligize if it's serious, but everything became so incredibly cheesy, fake, on the nose, and just...oh shit...

I finished it.  Good job.
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LC
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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Excruciatingly long setup before we actually get to the crux of the story and then sorry, it's just a little dull - including the long winded explanation by the nun - exposition plus! I ended up scanning through a lot of this, sorry...again.

Misspellings and quite a few of them, and punctuation/grammar errors, including my pet peeve:

the word is 'lies' on a bed not lay. You are not the only one who does this.

As for the writing in general, some of it is quite good (though it needed a proof read) it's just the story or rather lack of much plot, is letting you down here cause you don't actually get to it until near the end.

Tighten this one up a lot and it might go somewhere.


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khamanna
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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I'm thinking the evil part comes too late into play - it comes up on page 10. That's late for me.

Maggie does nothing but moan, the rest of them do nothing much either most of the story. I wish you built up to the suspense here, make them fear the hotel from the beginning maybe, make Brian and Maggie more mysterious and scary, mislead a bit mayby... Use the tricks before your final reveal.
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kingcooky555
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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I think the issue with the script stems from too many characters for 12 minutes. Maybe cut some characters out and flesh out Brian's relationship with his wife more so that the audience can sympathize with his plight. As is, it's hard to feel anything for anyone as they just don't feel complete.
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crookedowl
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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This is well written, but you have a very long set up. Halfway through the script, it still isn't going anywhere.

I think this could use some better character development as well. For a week, this is a good start, but I think they could definitely be more interesting.

The supernatural elements came in pretty late, and seemed somewhat out of place. It would probably work better if you had some foreshadowing early on.

I think you have some good lines in this, and I like the story. I just think it could be executed better. I liked Janella and Bobby Jack, but their little subplot never went anywhere, ultimately making these characters useless.

Brian seemed to take the whole exorcism thing very well. Even if he's religious, I seriously doubt he'd be so willing to let his wife die.

I think the third act definitely needs work. It all wrapped up quickly, and I didn't care for the ending. His wife dies, and...he walks off with his "new friends?" Sorry, just wasn't realistic or satisfying.

I'm not sure if you were going for horror in this or not. For one, you have some cool elements (the burning crucifix, the doll-thing) but it never really went "all out" and could be taken to the next level, IMO.

Still, I enjoyed this one. It seemed rushed, but that's just because of the deadline. I'd like to see another draft of this when the OWC's over.

Great job finishing the OWC.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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I agree with much of the criticism. There were just too many characters on display and things went a bit too wacky in the end. I wouldn't go to the extreme some have suggested but it went from a really good setup to just a weird, contrived mess.

The thing is, the mess came out of nowhere. You did nothing to setup the previous demon transfer (from the previous occupants in room 13) and just decided to tell us through dialogue, after the fact. I'm not keen on things like that.

Overall, it could have been so much better than it was but it was kind of a letdown.

C.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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Strange...

I could not disagree with my SS peeps (for the most part) more.

Yes, there's lot of buildup, yes, there are quite a number of characters, but I didn't have much of a problem with any of that. This didn't seem rushed except for maybe the last page. If anything I feel like you were onto something and felt constrained by a page count. The writing does start strong and held my intrest. If there is only one area I had issue with, it's being told what happened in room 13 when it could have been shown.

This was, in my view, one of the better entries in the OWC.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley
This didn't seem rushed except for maybe the last page. If anything I feel like you were onto something and felt constrained by a page count.


Don't those two sentences mean the same thing? It felt rushed because they were constrained by a page count.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr. Blonde


Don't those two sentences mean the same thing? It felt rushed because they were constrained by a page count.


I suppose that's one way to put it.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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This was one of those titles I had a good feeling about. Maybe that's good juju!

Alas I'm going to be boring, agree with most of the others and say that, whilst I liked the concept and a few good lines, it did seem to have too many people, and too many things gong on before the story got kicking.

Mind you, it  wouldn't take much to trim and re focus, so good opportunity.

If this is micro budget, an ensemble cast seems out of place. I don't know about production costs and ease but numerous different rooms and locations would also add to the bill, I suspect.

All the best


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greg
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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This had good elements but ultimately had too much stuff going on with too many characters and that's what brought it down.  I'm reading this and wondering why indeed there are so many seemingly central characters in this short.  As a result they were more generic than odd and interesting.  

The idea is cool and the conflict is there but this needs toning down.  Be a little simpler.  

Otherwise I think I would have liked this a bit more.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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DV44
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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It was well written but I agree with some of the others in that it took awhile for the story to develop, many characters hurt the story to get going earlier on. It would be excellent to stretch this into a feature but as a short story too much was going on. Great job at writing a OWC script.
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jwent6688
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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Bad last line. This didn't do much for me. I think you shot yourself in the foot at the outset with too many characters. There was the decision between good and evil with Megan, but it never really had much drive to the story.

Good job entering the OWC.

James


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