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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Forgotten Faith - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Forgotten Faith - 10/12 OWC  (currently 3343 views)
Don
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Forgotten Faith by Anonymous Zed - Short - A motel owner’s faith is put to the test. - pdf, format


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Gage
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Nice and simple, though I don't see any supernatural backstory.  This is a good, predictable piece.  It didn't blow my mind but it wasn't the worst submission in the OWC.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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It's far from the worst I've seen, and it meets most of the requirements...

BUT...

It's so simple, so predictable, so cliche, and so...uh...just so unimpressive, sorry to say.

The writing is OK at times, then others, you chose to skip your subject for some reason and things immediately got confusing.

Dialogue is not good, but not horrible, either.

Characters are cardboard and that's one of the big problems here.

Good job entering a scrpit, now work on refining youur writing and getting it to the next level.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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LC
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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This was capably written and pretty good - def. an easy read. A bit of obv. exposition in your dialogue and I didn't see much, if any, supernatural backstory for Jacob...but then it just ended, leaving me thinking, oh, that's it?!

Just needed something extra re plot, too straightforward.
Nice job with what you did, I suppose, just a bit bland.


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pale yellow
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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This to me was written good and it was fast to read.

The dialogue needs some work ...The biggest problem for me is that it was real predictable.

The characters were just so-so not really interesting enough to put this one in my top pile of favs.

Good job though. Surely not one of the worst....


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jwent6688
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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Good writing. I enjoyed this for the most, up to the expositional dialogue where Jacob tries to drop in that he lost his wife to evil somehow. It is the killer of decent scripts this challenge.

You have an inkling of supernatural back story, a decision between good and evil eventhough Jacob is unaware of which is which. I'd say you hit most of the parameters and this is one of my faves thus far.

Good job entering the OWC.

James


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DaveTroop
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on finishing the OWC!

Your script was straight forward and simple.  I just wish Jacob would have turned the gun on Emily after recognizing she was the evil one.  Wound the Father and kill the demon.

Liked the Father character, but seemed too familiar.

Your formatting was very good.  Just a few typos. Flowed nicely.

Good job.


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crookedowl
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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This was good, well written. It was a bit predictable (at page 5), but that's probably because I've read five other exorcism scripts this OWC.

I think everything happened too fast. You could stretch it out, add some more suspense.

Your ending was very predictable as well. It's a good idea, but the way it's executed here makes it much less shocking than it could be.

Still a solid short, especially for something done in a week. Great job completing the OWC.
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Oney.Mendoza
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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I don't like the title at all. LOL...sorry. But after reading it I tried to think of something better and well, I couldn't. LOL.

First off - I applaud you at how well written this is. Smoothly written and easy to read - also not a grammar error in sight.

Like everyone else, I thought it was painfully predictable. There was nothing "supernatural" happening that it just became obvious what the ending would entail. The dialogue between Emily and Father Robert also seemed very forced and just didn't flow well..."I know you lost your faith..." etc - ugh. I didn't care for it. BUT your story moved fast and I was never bored.

Definitely not the worst of the bunch.


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albinopenguin
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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first and foremost, congrats on completing the OWC. i think everyone can agree, this round was incredibly difficult.

unfortunately i wasn't a fan of this one. the dialogue needs work and a lot of questions go unanswered. on top of that, the ending is incredibly cliched. in fact, that's exactly what killed it for me...the ending.

also the characters lacked depth or character IMO. I really didn't care about anyone.

but alas, there will be plenty of time for rewrites at a later time. my apologies for not expanding my review. I'm reviewing these late (g oddamn work is driving me crazy right now) and i want to read as many of these as possible.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 5:19am Report to Moderator
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Started off interesting. What is this man about, doing? Why has he lied about the girl? What is she etc! The whole he is a priest was a disappointment and sad to say I share the others thoughts that it kind of went down a well worn path. But hey the OWC was v tricky.

The writing was good and it was focused unlike some, kept to three characters and whils there is a scene on the road, it doesn't require much.

With a few tweaks, has potential, just needs to be different.

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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khamanna
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 8:17am Report to Moderator
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Very simple and easy to understand. I wish to see the backstory though, it would make me take sides, understand the father better (o maybe hate him) - the challenge calls for it as well.

Also the backstory is the chance to make this different from other stories that are like this. Why Emily, what did she do etc.
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Eoin
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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It meets most of the requirements, the supernatural element was left too late.

The writing is fine, nothing very stand out, but it is an OWC.

Disappointed that there was no twist in the story. It was a pretty one sided affair. An element of surprise  and misdirection would have made this more interesting.

Jacob losing his wife to evil was mentioned but never shown in any fashion.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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While I was alamed a little by the car scene (requirements have the one general location of an abandoned motel) overall this was a good read. It's one of the better entries of the OWC...but - and this is not a direct nitpick on this piece in specific-- a lot of entries, a whole chunk - has priests and demons in them. If it wasn't for the writing, this could run the risk of falling through the cracks, if you will, As for a direct nitpick - I would have liked to see something a bit more daring or different - even with a priest or demon present.

Let me clarify. It reads "average" in part due to the OWC itself, and it's a little more than that.  Let me put it this way. Of the OWC that have priests and/or demons in them, it's obe of the better scripts. But it also doesn't stand out all that much.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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DV44
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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Overall good job. Well written, the story flowed nicely. Predictable yes, but that's okay. Congrats on writing the OWC.
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