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Hey Kevin. I've never seen you around on the boards, so I'm going to hold back my detailed notes until you make an appearance... If you make an appearance.
Hmmm, no log-line?? Might have been an issue with uploading the script, but many readers will hold back from reading this. No one will go into a script if they don't know what they're going into. I know I hesitated.
I struggled to establish a story in this one. What's the challenge offered up to your main character? What does she have to overcome to be successful with this challenge. No matter what you read or see, the story is ALWAYS (if it's a good story) reliant on a challenge offered up to the main character. That's the basic story-structure which has been followed for thousands of years.
As for the writing... It's not horrible, but there are definitely a few things that need to be focused on. It felt a little bit like a rushed job, to me. Lack of punctuation at the end of sentences, formatting issues... For example with almost every single parenthetical you had two closing brackets instead of just one. I may not be right, but it suggests that you may not have proof-read the entire piece for simple errors.
There's a lot of moments where you take the reader into detail that is not essential to the story. Sometimes you describe things that an audience can't see on the final film. Sometimes you describe things that an audience watching the film simply doesn't care about.
In terms of screenwriting, there are varied opinions on the use of adverbs ending in "ly" in scripts. Some say it's fine, some hate it. Me? I'm a mixture of both and it's usually something that I ignore. However, this particular script is littered with too many adverbs ending in "ly". It puts an unnecessary length to your screenplay. Remember, your narrative needs to be short and to the point. Otherwise, people simply won't enjoy reading it.
There is plenty more detail that I could go into with this one and I'd like to help out in any way that I can. You can send me a private message to let me know that you're on the boards and I'll be more than happy to go into detail with every single note that I've given.
Hold back on detailed notes, Dan? They seem pretty detailed to me.
I'll be brief, Kevin. This was good and has potential. There are a lot of spelling mistakes here that you need to look over and IMHO, the dialogue doesn't sound very realistic. Fix that up and you've got something good here. Also, don't be lazy and get a logline!
No logline. Doesn't it add to the mystic of the piece?... No!... Ha okay, yes it was a moronic flub on my part. But I have a feeling I'll need to apologize for a few things on this script.
Logline: Twilight Zone meets David Lynch...
Synopsis: A minimum wage waitress is warned by a man in her cafe, in the form of a nightmare, that her life is in danger.
First: I apologize for the lazy writing on this: I did write this in an IHOP during breakfast then finished in a cafe with coffee.
Second: I apologize for the not so tidy ending... I myself like open endings from time to time, allow the reader/viewer to imagine what comes next. But I also like David Lynch films and the "choose your own adventure" books once upon a time.
Dan: I appreciate the detailed notes, and have a feeling you have plenty more ideas on how I can correct this script. However, I ask if maybe you could review my feature script "Vampires in Sunland" and direct your expertise on this script instead. That is the one I would like to concentrate on. It is a long script though, so I totally understand if you don't.
Thanks everyone who reads this, your comments I'm sure will help me forge my writing into a finer more precised weapon of sleek distraction. (what ever that means)
However, I ask if maybe you could review my feature script "Vampires in Sunland" and direct your expertise on this script instead.
Why post this one, then if you're not looking for feedback?
Welcome to simplyscripts, Kevin. I sure will have a look at that feature. Had a look at the opening paragraph before I commented on this script. Might take me a while to get around to it though, sorry.
No worries Dan. Yes of course feedback is welcome on this one too. It all goes into improving my writing. Since it'll probably take a while for feedback on my feature, I can make improvements on this one.
I'll start tight off by saying that I don't like David Lynch films. 'Lost Highway' is up there as one of the worst movies ever in my opinion. And I hate ambiguity.
That said, there is a pretty good idea you have here, but I think it definately needs an ending because otherwise, what's the point of the story? There's no reason for this stranger to show up and warn her if she doesn't do anything about it. It was kind of all for nothing.
One big problem I had with this, other than the no outcome, is the dialoge reads really stilted and forced. For instance, you have three seperate groups of people all repeat the line 'We'll be fine for a minute, Megan. Talk to the man. He seems pleasant.' To see three different groups of people repeat that same exact line three times in a row just read so very awkward. Dialogue takes some time to get right, but the dialogue here just read very very awkward, and I think some attention can be made to making it read a little better.
Like I said, there's a decent idea here, but it definitely needs work to fire on all cylinders, and definitely needs an ending to fire on any cylinders.
David Lynch: different strokes for different folks I guess. But non-the-less, thank you for taking the time to read it.
Perhaps the dialogue is a occupational hazard of being a Lynch fan... His dialogue is very silted and wooden. So yes that was the effect I was going for... It is a nightmare and therefor surreal. That is exactly why the customers say practically the same lines.
I'll admit that this is not going to be a piece to tickle everyone's fancy (or perhaps anyone's)
One note on the man in the cafe, perhaps I'm am not clear enough in the script for his purpose, and maybe this piece is a little too convoluted, but his purpose is fulfilled by him warning her, thus saving himself from his own tormented nightmare of watching this event happen over and over.
But in the end, if this script doesn't work, then it doesn't work as is... I'll have to rework it.
Thank you all who read and/or comment, I look forward to further comments.
The title is about a man in a cafe and yet the main character is a waitress and she works in a diner.
I stopped reading on page 4. The man's dialogue is terrible and hers isn't any better. This man knows her name but she doesn't react? Fred doesn't react?
Isn't there a TV show about a man in at the end of the booth? or something along those lines?
What do these people do? No one just sits and talks. Even characters in a play don't just sit and talk, although they do a lot of talking. Everything is stilted.
I just read your short and I’m sorry to say, even at eight pages, I struggled to get through this. As Mark and ABSteel mentioned, the dialogue is completely flat, unrealistic, and indistinct to each character. You’ve got a bright young girl in her twenties who goes from saying a casual, girl-next-door line like “Can I top that off for ya?” to something whimsically proper like “That’s remarkable, isn’t it?” Your characters never develop a voice or become individuals. They’re all names attached to interchangeable people, and because their dialogue has no personality, it feels like there’s twice as much of it than there really is. Hell, now that I’m actually looking at it, you spend three pages just telling a character to sit down. I’m surprised everyone in the diner didn’t stand up and applaud when she actually did.
I wish I had more advice for this script, but I just didn’t care for it, the story, or its characters. Your formatting is generally fine; clearly you can put a sentence together, but keep an eye out for incorrect/missing punctuation every now and then.
Saw this one was top of the pile so I decided to give it a go. I’ll be honest and say it was quite a slug to get through, this needs a good clean up and some fine-tuning in the writing department. The story really does get lost in a sea of awkward lines and poor dialogue not to mention it's riddled with grammar and punctuation problems. It came across rather rushed to be honest and the fact there was no logline just added to that notion.
So the story – oh no, it was all a dream!
Just kidding, I thought this one had potential and isn’t a bad idea or concept but what was the meaning of it all. I guess Megan has a precognition and now knows what is about to come or not as we never found out if this event actually plays out.
What is the role of the man, he’s warning her but why? He has these dreams himself so who’s dream are we in? If it’s Megan’s then how did he get into her dream? What’s the relevance of them reminding one another of loved ones?
What I’m saying is that I was left with a lot of questions rather than answers and I don’t know if I missed something or it was supposed to be so ambiguous?
Hey, Steve. Sorry to put you through that. And yes you actually got the idea to what is happening... I am going to need to rework this script. Sometimes I like things not to be always answered or spelled out for me, and I know a lot of people who hate that. That being said, perhaps this is a little too loosey-goosey of a script. Thanks for the comments and time. I will rewrite this script.
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The Man in the Café
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