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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Vampires in Sunland Moderators: bert
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  Author    Vampires in Sunland  (currently 4316 views)
Don
Posted: November 23rd, 2012, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Vampires in Sunland by Kevin Albers (kalbers) - Horror - A small town girl goes to LA to visit her boyfriend and to learn more about her estrange mother's death. When she arrives she learns her boyfriend has befriended vampires and her mother's death is part of a sinister plan to lure her into the arms of a dark power. 136 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 14th, 2013, 12:12pm
revised draft
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nawazm11
Posted: November 23rd, 2012, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Kevin.

I just thought I'd give the first page a read. Although I can't say your writing style is bad, I can tell you now it's very over-written. It took way, way longer for me to read it then it should have. I think that might be the reason for the 140 pages of the script? It also seems like the style is trying too hard to be pro...

Cut this down to a lower number and you might get some reads.
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KAlbers
Posted: November 23rd, 2012, 11:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hi all. First off, let me thank anyone who reads even one line of this script! I appreciate your time! Furthermore, I appreciate all constructive criticism and/or comments. This is my second script I've written and do apologize for the 140 something pages. But that's why I'm here.  From what I've read thus far, this appears to be a great community of writers who are serious in both their work and in helping others succeed in creating better screenplays and becoming better storytellers. Thank you once again. I look forward to reading your comments

Best,
Kev


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Irishstu
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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Was about to mention the 140 pages but your clearly aware of that. You are right in saying that this is a place to learn from other writers, good and bad. Will give this a read and get back to you with my feed back.
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RegularJohn
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Kevin.

Right off the bat I see you using the dreaded "We" in the action lines.  From the colossal first page, it seems like you have a grasp on how this all will look but all the camera angles and specifics views should be left out.  All we need are the essentials.

Also, your slug, "SMALL TOWN NORTHERN EAST COAST" is pretty much repeated in the action line which follows.  I would suggest keeping that action line and editing that slug.  By the way, I think you meant to say barred window instead of "bared" window.  Small typo but there it is.

If the rest of the script is like this first page, editing out those camera angles should definitely chop this page count down to size.  Best of luck.


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KAlbers
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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I did not realize the royal "We" was a dreaded one; noted.

There may be a few specific camera directions, but I wouldn't say that this is what's filling out pages.

I'll look at all slugs again.

Yes I'll admit I'm probably going to need an editor on this thing for typos and spelling and what have you, they seem to get by me a little too easily.  So I appreciate the help in that department.

Perhaps I write as I would a shot list... I'm going to need to work on that.

Thank you all for your great input. Please keep it coming, I'm here to learn.


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RegularJohn
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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What I mean by the "we" comment is that we as the audience can or should be able to see and hear everything in the action lines.  With that, the "we" is already implied and therefore unnecessary and redundant in the action lines.

Using "we" also has a knack for making writing passive so that's I had to bring it up.  Hopefully this cleared up that particular comment.  Keep up the writing, Kevin.


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KAlbers
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, I totally understand what you're are saying about "We".  I agree about it being redundant. You are right... I should have been more clear with my "Noted" comment.

Thank you, I hope you can read the rest, or more anyhow.

Best, Kev.


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Lon
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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I like the opening scene.  Sets the tone, declares concretely that this is a horror movie.  But I stopped reading after the first scene to address some things already brought up here:

I agree it's over-written.  One thing to keep in mind is that a reader doesn't need extraneous description.  It just gets in the way.  As do actions which take long sentences to describe.  I'll throw out an example.  In the script, you write:

Margot begins to convulse with an epileptic fit, she is
thrown to the ground by her violent jerky thrusts.  She
gargles foam from her mouth.


A strong visual, but would be stronger and a smoother read if you were more deliberate and concise in your wording, which in turn would also cut back drastically on your page count.  What you want, and more importantly, what the reader wants, is a smooth, easy read.  You accomplish this by being using fewer but stronger words to pain the picture.  Omit needless or repetitive details; you mention an epilieptic fit, which most people already know involve violent, jerky thrusts (though not all seizures do).  

So, these things in mind, let's take another shot at that action/description:

Margot crashes to the floor in a violent, spasmic fit,
foaming at the mouth.


It's the same thing, but smoother, more concise and half the space.  If you apply that approach throughout the rest of your script -- keeping things clean, simple and tight, giving only enough detail to get the point across and omitting any and every unnecessary, unfilmable detail -- I can see you easily saving yourself a good 15-20 pages, at least.

Also, pay attention to punctuation.  If you present a reader a script which multiple errors in the first few pages alone, they'll more than likely to assume that if the first few pages are this unprofessional, the rest of the script probably is, too.  And they'll stop reading.  And all your hard work will have been for nothing.

Best of luck.  Keep writing.

- Lon
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KAlbers
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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GREAT response Lon. Thank you. This is what I need.

I fear however that no one will go beyond the first page and give me insight into story.

It is very clear, my technical approach is severely flawed. And I hope that this is all that is needed to make for a good script. Tightening lines, correcting punctuation, typos ect. I agree I would never send this off to an agent, producer, etc... without these errors corrected. And I do need help in this area badly so please continue with the comments.... but I must pose the question, will anyone read beyond the first page? Is the 140 pg too daunting? I know I'm new on here and its only been a couple of days so maybe my fears are too premature. But I would like to hear your thoughts on the matter.

Perhaps it is too early for me to have placed this on here.

I'll keep this version on here, but I'm going to start  streamlining this script from a technical stand point. I hope its easy to upload revisions on here.

Thank's everyone for your comments, please keep them coming.

Much appreciated!!




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ABennettWriter
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
I fear however that no one will go beyond the first page and give me insight into story.


Unfortunately, a terrific story isn't worth anything unless it's told well. It takes effort to read a good script and a lot more to read a bad one. I'll try and give this a go, but if I have to slog through 140 pages, it might take me a few days.

Your best bet is to do a rewrite. Fix the errors mentioned and upload the second or third draft. If that draft is closer to 100, then you may get some readers.

140 is too long for anything, especially a horror. Horror scripts, at their best, are shorter than 100 pages. It depends on the specific story, but it better be a damn good one to go beyond 100.
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Lon
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from KAlbers
GREAT response Lon. Thank you. This is what I need.

I fear however that no one will go beyond the first page and give me insight into story.


Unfortunately that's pretty much how it goes on sites like this.  Members approach a new writer's script with the same mentality as a professional reader.  Which means the script has ten pages to impress them and if it doesn't, they quit and move on.  I'm just as guilty of this as anybody.  Hell, a lot of pro readers will actually flip through your script before reading a word of it and if they see too many huge chunks of text -- typically an indicator that the script is over-written and/or the writer doesn't grasp the concept of a clean, tight script -- even that's enough to make them not bother.

New writers need to understand that this is pretty much how the biz works.  Whether you're querying an agent, a prodco, an actor or what have you, this is what usually happens.  If they're not convinced you at least have the basics of writing down before page ten, your script quickly finds its way into the "no thanks" pile and the reader simply opens up the next script in line.

So what you do is take all this stuff, apply it to your script, fixing grammatic/format/structure errors, then re-submit your script.  With all those "physical" errors taken care of, there's nothing to distract from or cloud the actual story you're telling, and that's when the good stuff happens.  That's when you get comments on character arcs, dialogue, story structure, etc.  The REAL insight you're looking for.

So give your script another pass, tighten it up, work on the errors pointed out thus far, leaving a reader nothing to stumble over during their journey into your story, then re-submit it.  

You'll be glad you did.

- Lon
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ABennettWriter
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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Also, KAlbers, have you reviewed scripts yet?

We regulars want to know that you're going to give to SS what you take out. The site only works if everyone reviews.
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ABennettWriter
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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I read the first page and wowzers. Definitely does not follow the one minute per page rule. It's an exciting opening but nothing we haven't seen before. Usually, patients aren't allowed to have anything with them. You also don't follow the "Write what can only be shown" rule. A lot of the script is unfilmable.

I printed it out and went over with a red pen. I hope you don't mind. You probably will.

I can't get the picture to show up here, so you'll have to go to the Flickr page.

http://flic.kr/p/dw2bV1
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KAlbers
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, thank you for your input... I guess I've been going about this the wrong way... but hey, that's why I put this on here, to get your wisdom and advice, thank you... I'll continue to refine the script, and resubmit.

ABSteel: don't force yourself to read this all the way through if it's too much to digest, but if you can get as far as you can, I still would love to hear your comments.  And yes I comment on other scripts. I may not have the expertise on technique but I offer what I can. I have been reading short scripts but will try to tackle a feature to be fair.

Thanks again,
Best, Kev


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