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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Three Blind Mice Moderators: bert
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  Author    Three Blind Mice  (currently 2735 views)
Don
Posted: November 29th, 2012, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Three Blind Mice by Ian Warren - Horror - When Isobel Jennings takes a job in Paris as an au pair for the seemingly perfect Levasseur family, she soon discovers appearances can be deceiving when host-mother Madeleine begs for her help to escape the wrath of her psychotic husband… 112 pages - pdf, format


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Oney.Mendoza
Posted: December 5th, 2012, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ian!

It’s nice to have something new up by you on these boards. It’s not usually what you write but it’s a welcomed submission regardless.

It’s definitely a slow burn. I prefer these but you may lose some of your audience/readers if they aren’t in the mood for this type of story-telling. It doesn’t really kick into gear until around page 60 and the last 50 pages or so are really worth the wait and make the overall experience exceptional.

Spoilers ahead. Seriously – read the script before reading on. Don’t spoil yourself.



I liked the whole family dynamic of Isobel’s past; her brother Andy, her drunk of a mother. I don’t really know why they seem to blame Isobel for Andy’s accident. Hey, things happen right? Isobel was young at the time and it was an ACCIDENT…could happen to anyone right? But still, obviously nice setup showing what drives Isobel to go work for the Levasseur’s.

The chemistry between Isobel and Madeleine never felt forced, which I loved. At times you brought up uncomfortable dialogue between the two, like when Isobel mentions Bruno’s bruising. I also like how you had Isobel easily challenge Madeleine and made her quite ballsy – like bringing up Sophie, for example. Isobel has quite the backbone. I think most of the protags would throw things under the rug as opposed to quickly asking about things…nice change.

Your characters:
Isobel - she was strong willed, head on straight but a little dull. She was passionate on helping out Madeleine and Bruno which was great but all the other times she seemed to be such a Debbie-Downer...lighten up bitch! jk. Page 38 - when she got "snappy" with Romain at the park after losing sight of Bruno, "What did I call you again?" GOD WHAT A BITCH... wasn't really his fault that Bruno's dumbass ran away with Max. LOL. And at times Isobel also seemed to get unncessarily snippy with Shannon... and who the hell can be mean to Shannon!?

Shannon - such a fun character. She literally pops off the page...definitely can tell you had fun writing her. I like the fact you made her sexy, fun, kinda flirty - the girl you'd expect to have herself before everyone else BUT if fact she seemed to be looking out for Isobel more than anything. "I'm the third wheel, hun. Enjoy!" Cute moment. I expected her to totally go after Romain. Thanks for that surprise.

Madeleine - I like how you completely flipped this character with us. Frickin scary (and I might message you something bc I don't want to spoil anything here). BUT I didn't buy her story of how "hopeless" she was regarding "I can't leave Ludovic. I will have nothing" etc. because it was mentioned that she attended a university so she isn't dumb and PROBABLY does indeed have skills to find a job, to support herself outside her marriage, etc. I don't know why Isobel would buy into this so easily.

Your dialogue:
It wasn't necessarily bad or anything. It never felt forced or didn't read natural - you're just usually so good at giving those zingers. I felt you saved everything fantastic for Shannon. You gave her everything good - seriously. I loved Shannon and everything she said. lol.

Other random notes:
Page 46 – the blindfold game where Isobel ends up in Ludovic’s office with him in it really gave me a jolt! Bravo scare.

Page 51 – Total fake/jump scare that I would normally hate but the build up leading up to it was smooth. I can see it play out well on screen – pitch black, frightened actress, creaking door – my nerves would be shattered

Shannon – Don’t I at least get coffee and dougnuts? LOL God I love Shannon.

The scene where Isobel and Shannon take a trip to Madeleine and Ludovic’s apartment definitely shows your knack at suspense. Great scene – great suspense…page turner that was. Thrilling moment…

Page 75 – What exactly did Shannon see that was so horrifying? I’m a little confused because maybe I missed it but you didn’t follow up with this? Was it _______ and ______ having sex in ________ office? lol if it is then I guess I understood.

INT. - FOYER – NIGHT pg. 82 your slug is messed up. No biggy.

What an exciting ending with Isobel and Ludovic! So much entertaining action.

Nice touch having Sophie being buried in the precious garden. Macabre!

___________ is such a twisted bitch!

Overall, I had fun reading it. I will definitely recommend it to others. It reminded me a 90's thriller (not a bad thing whatsoever) and it's one where it makes you want to re-visit it because it knocks you on your head at the very end. You need to go back to the very beginning and question character's motives that you might've not picked up on the first reading...that's what I did. Great story-telling.

Now you need to finish Spirit Week buddy.

Oney.


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Ian
Posted: December 7th, 2012, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Oney,

Thank you for the detailed review! Yes it’s very different to previous things I’ve written, so I’m not sure how successful I’ve been. The slow burn is deliberate so I hope it doesn’t put people off too much, we shall see!

Isobel’s guilt stems from her mother blaming her for it (transference because she knows it was her own fault really). That might not be clear so I will take a look at that. I’m glad you liked her being somewhat ballsy, I get a bit sick of these wallflower heroines sometimes haha. I figured she has a bit of an attitude so she might have the courage to speak her mind at times. They often come off us dull, which clearly she still did a bit so I will try to fix it! She can’t be nice all the time because she has stuff she’s dealing with (when Isobel loses Bruno and she blames Romain she’s repeating her mother’s behaviour towards her and when she’s rude to Shannon it’s out of insecurity/jealousy) but I will try to make it clearer where she’s coming from each time so that she doesn’t come off as a bitch.

Shannon was meant to add moments of levity since a lot of the script is pretty heavy, tense or miserable lol. I’m pleased she seemed to do that, and that you thought there were some dimensions to her character considering she’s not ultimately all that important in the grand scheme of the story. She gets all the good lines because she’s fun – most of the characters aren’t at all! So I totally get what you’re saying about the dialogue but I could really do all the high schooler quips in this one given the characters and arena. Maybe I’ll try to give Isobel a couple in the re-write though haha.

Good catch about Madeleine’s education, I really only put that in there to make it acceptable for her to speak English with characters besides Isobel (I’m sure you realise a pivotal scene towards the end wouldn’t work if she was talking French!). Maybe I’ll change it so that she never finished and got her qualification because she got married or something.

Yeah she saw them having sex, you understood fine . Glad you enjoyed some of the suspense and action sequences, although a recent film had one that was basically identical to the sequence in the cellar towards the end, so that may have to change. The 90s thriller vibe was what I was going for so I’m glad that came across! It may belong more in the Thriller section of this site but as I’m a horror-writer at heart I decided to put it here lol.

Thanks again for your comments, they’re really helpful. I’ll definitely take these on board when I tackle a re-write.

Ian


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