Hey Ian!
It’s nice to have something new up by you on these boards. It’s not usually what you write but it’s a welcomed submission regardless.
It’s definitely a slow burn. I prefer these but you may lose some of your audience/readers if they aren’t in the mood for this type of story-telling. It doesn’t really kick into gear until around page 60 and the last 50 pages or so are really worth the wait and make the overall experience exceptional.
Spoilers ahead. Seriously – read the script before reading on. Don’t spoil yourself.
I liked the whole family dynamic of Isobel’s past; her brother Andy, her drunk of a mother. I don’t really know why they seem to blame Isobel for Andy’s accident. Hey, things happen right? Isobel was young at the time and it was an ACCIDENT…could happen to anyone right? But still, obviously nice setup showing what drives Isobel to go work for the Levasseur’s.
The chemistry between Isobel and Madeleine never felt forced, which I loved. At times you brought up uncomfortable dialogue between the two, like when Isobel mentions Bruno’s bruising. I also like how you had Isobel easily challenge Madeleine and made her quite ballsy – like bringing up Sophie, for example. Isobel has quite the backbone. I think most of the protags would throw things under the rug as opposed to quickly asking about things…nice change.
Your characters:
Isobel - she was strong willed, head on straight but a little dull. She was passionate on helping out Madeleine and Bruno which was great but all the other times she seemed to be such a Debbie-Downer...lighten up bitch! jk. Page 38 - when she got "snappy" with Romain at the park after losing sight of Bruno, "What did I call you again?" GOD WHAT A BITCH... wasn't really his fault that Bruno's dumbass ran away with Max. LOL. And at times Isobel also seemed to get unncessarily snippy with Shannon... and who the hell can be mean to Shannon!?
Shannon - such a fun character. She literally pops off the page...definitely can tell you had fun writing her. I like the fact you made her sexy, fun, kinda flirty - the girl you'd expect to have herself before everyone else BUT if fact she seemed to be looking out for Isobel more than anything. "I'm the third wheel, hun. Enjoy!" Cute moment. I expected her to totally go after Romain. Thanks for that surprise.
Madeleine - I like how you completely flipped this character with us. Frickin scary (and I might message you something bc I don't want to spoil anything here). BUT I didn't buy her story of how "hopeless" she was regarding "I can't leave Ludovic. I will have nothing" etc. because it was mentioned that she attended a university so she isn't dumb and PROBABLY does indeed have skills to find a job, to support herself outside her marriage, etc. I don't know why Isobel would buy into this so easily.
Your dialogue:
It wasn't necessarily bad or anything. It never felt forced or didn't read natural - you're just usually so good at giving those zingers.
I felt you saved everything fantastic for Shannon. You gave her everything good - seriously. I loved Shannon and everything she said. lol.
Other random notes:
Page 46 – the blindfold game where Isobel ends up in Ludovic’s office with him in it really gave me a jolt! Bravo scare.
Page 51 – Total fake/jump scare that I would normally hate but the build up leading up to it was smooth. I can see it play out well on screen – pitch black, frightened actress, creaking door – my nerves would be shattered
Shannon – Don’t I at least get coffee and dougnuts? LOL God I love Shannon.
The scene where Isobel and Shannon take a trip to Madeleine and Ludovic’s apartment definitely shows your knack at suspense. Great scene – great suspense…page turner that was. Thrilling moment…
Page 75 – What exactly did Shannon see that was so horrifying? I’m a little confused because maybe I missed it but you didn’t follow up with this? Was it _______ and ______ having sex in ________ office? lol if it is then I guess I understood.
INT. - FOYER – NIGHT pg. 82 your slug is messed up. No biggy.
What an exciting ending with Isobel and Ludovic! So much entertaining action.
Nice touch having Sophie being buried in the precious garden. Macabre!
___________ is such a twisted bitch!
Overall, I had fun reading it. I will definitely recommend it to others. It reminded me a 90's thriller (not a bad thing whatsoever) and it's one where it makes you want to re-visit it because it knocks you on your head at the very end. You need to go back to the very beginning and question character's motives that you might've not picked up on the first reading...that's what I did. Great story-telling.
Now you need to finish Spirit Week buddy.
Oney.