Clarity by Noah McManus (arklight) - Short, Suspense, Comedy - With a storm raging outside, Jane is forced to take refuge in a motel where everything she knows is about to be called into question, and she is forced to make a decision that could have consequences for the entire world. 16 pages - pdf, format

Sounds like an OWC script to me. Maybe you didn't get it in on time?

Anyway, I didn't know this was a comedy until I reread your logline. I dunno... I guess you have some comedic lines, but nothing really stood out that made me think of this as comedy. I can see some parts that tried to be funny, but it all kinda fell flat for me.

Overall this was just okay for me. You used some adverbs..."quickly" is one that sticks out.

Norman and Jane were surprisingly calm about the whole thing. After "wrestling", they almost immediately decide that there are aliens out there. Even for comedy, your characters should act realistically.

The language, which I don't normally have a problem with, came across as forced and unnecessary. Keep in mind that saying "fuck" twice immediately gets you an R-rating. For a short that's otherwise PG/PG-13, this could limit your potential audience. So, my rule of thumb is only use it when it adds something to the story.

I think you could definitely cut some stuff out of this. The conversation when they first get in the white room went on a little long, IMO. Maybe start the script with them waking up in the room, and have the hologram show up sooner.

So, overall this wasn't bad, but could use some tightening.

Hope this helps.

Will

The missing 2012 Halloween OWC script finally surfaces.  Whispered to be merely a rumor, the truth has now been unleashed.

Uhhh...yeah.

Hey, Noah, I feel like I've both read and seen this play our many times before.  As Owl said,m there are some attempts at humor, but I'd hardly call this comedy.  It's not poorly written, but it ain't well written either.

I stopped on Page 3, as it just wasn't going anywhere I haven't been in the past.

Hope to see you reading and leaving feedback for others, as it sure will help you with your own writing.

Hey Noah, how are are you?

This is kind of like staring at a blank piece of paper with a great writer next to you -- it doesn't improve the experience.

Having said that - I know what you're capable of, so I wouldn't worry too much about ditching this and concentrating on your not inconsiderable strengths. You've a lot going for you, and the occasional bummer is going to be par for the course.

I can still see a lot of good peeking out of this, but it just isn't right for you.

All the best with everything you do from hereon.

Hey Noah..

I think it was good the comic lines landed I enjoyed it. But At first I thought it wasn't a comedy up until the white room part, maybe if you could've started with that part I would've realised from the get go.

I agree with dream scale. But, I'll add... you have a knack for storytelling - and a good voice. With that the most important ingredient - a passion for screenwriting. All the best!