The Cat by John Williamson - Comedy - Two 12 year old boys are given a caterpillar bulldozer to rewire, a 1 year old baby to look after and a 100 year old grand-mother to babysit. 105 pages - pdf, format

John (or should I say, John and Heather),

30 pages is a bit long for a short. Yes, it's technically acceptable, but there's not a great market for it. It's too long for some people looking for a quick read/video, but of course, it's too short to be a feature. Not that I'm saying not to write 30 pages, but you might want to consider trimming this a bit.

Your first slug is not right, but this is just a minor issue. Put a dash instead of a comma between Backyard and New Zealand. Besides, is the exact location (Rural New Zealand) that important?

Your first paragraph is telling, not showing. How do we know they live at this house? All we see on screen is a house. Only write what appears on the screen. Show, don't tell.

I'm kinda confused now. Your first paragraph capped character names, and when we actually see Peachy on screen, he isn't capped, which is incorrect. CAP characters the first time we actually see them on screen.

A lot of this is overwritten. That's the problem right there. Shorten the action, cut redundant lines and you'll probably end up shaving a good 5+ pages off of this.

Like this:

"The saw end was shop bought, the rest reworked from pallet racking off cuts and fence battens, expertly knitted together with number 8 wire."

How does any of this serve the story? How do you film this?

A lot of this is overwritten...almost every paragraph, sorry to say. You pretty much spend an entire page describing...something. All the details kinda clouded the meaning behind this, so I'm pretty confused.

So next page, Peachy and Grace's conversation is pretty on the nose. I've found, that when revising it's good to go over each line of dialogue, imagine watching it on screen. Ask yourself, is this cheesy? If I was watching this movie, what would I think? What's a better way to write this?

Overall there are a lot of words in this. Big paragraphs of action, big blocks of dialogue. Try trimming everything way down... the quicker the read, the more people will want to read it.

Hope this helps, and I don't mean to sound harsh.

Will

Oh boy...

Listen, as Will said, this is overwritten, but I'll go a step further - it's probably overwritten by at least 10 pages!

This is not how a screenplay should look or read.

Read some scripts, provide some feedback for others.  Get in the game and more will jump on yours and offer help.  Not to be harsh, but you guys need all the help you can get.

Good luck!

Hey John.

So starting off, the formatting of your opener is off.  The "Rural New Zealand" part should be a SUPER and if it's before the FADE IN, then an OVER BLACK should be at the top.  Technically it would be over black since the FADE IN hasn't occurred but I'd rather be on the safe side.  Next the passage following the PEACHES PROPERTY is technically an unfilmable.  It's information that can't be shown or at least in the way you've put it.  Introducing those characters on the property would be best IMO.

Starting with a FLASHBACK is kind of a waste since it has nothing to flashback from.  As written, you'd fade into the actual flashback so when all is said and done, you'd actually be going forward two years when the flashback ends.  I suggest getting rid of the flashback and just putting "Two years later" in a super once the original flashback ends.

The "travel down a driveway..." line is not clicking with me.  It comes off as a camera shot to me which I advise against.  Describing the property with the house in the distance then jumping there with a new slug is a route I think would work.  Slugs are your best friends and great for really clarifying where we the audience are at at all times.

If the boy is talking, put it in dialogue.  Otherwise the words aren't worth mentioning in the action lines.  Saw buzzes...stalls..."stupid bloody saw"(O.S.).

So there's a 12yr old ghost Peachy shadowing the 10yr old Peachy, eh?  Two Peachys could be a burden to juggle but I suppose it could work.

That's all I've got for now.  The only problem I've really spotted is that formatting at the top of the page.  Hopefully you're still around.

Johnny

For starters, you said you were the author twice, just one as "writer" on as "screenplay by." The other thing is, you shouldn't say where the story takes place. If you want, put it in a super:

SUPER over black: rural New Zealand. - 2012 --

even though typically the time is not told to us unless it's relevant. Like, 1865.

I scrolled through, and the formatting looks good and it seems well written. I'll take to this more tomorrow.

I'm going to give this 10 pages like most industry people to tell you if i'm hooked.

So, as promised --

Pg. 1: Don't introduce the characters unless they are on screen.

"In the back ground an old shed that has seen better days.
Parked next to it an even older Japanese rice burner. The
front wheels are missing and the bonnet is up, supported by a
fence batten. It’s well knackered and looks it."

You don't have to describe that much. Leave it to the production designer.

Pg. 2

I want to know about what these guys looks like. It's hard to tell one from another otherwise.

Pg. 3

By this time, we already skipped 2 years into the future, so I'm not so sure about the first two pages, they seem a little unnecessary. Maybe scratch the older peach talking about the younger one and it could work. Just my opinion.

-The name Stan Grossman rang a bell, so I checked it out. It's taken by  Little Miss Sunshine.

Pg. 8

Show not tell with descriptions!!

Pg. 9

For Americans: A UTE is what we call something that looks
like a pick-up, four wheel drive. Like a Ford F150 thingy.

This isn't in my comfort level. Just scratch the ute and tell us it's a pick-up "thingy."

I am not hooked, so, i'm stopping here, but this has a bit of promise, just reworking it will make it much better.

First, the log line tells me it's going to have a sort of absurd plot and be in the same genre like Home Alone, but it doesn't quite capture that. it seems a tad serious for a comedy and such a wacky plot line.

I get a bit of a Huck Finn vibe from this. It could be just me.

Good luck with this one, John.

Hi Emanuel
thanks for the 10 pages
The reason I put in where the story takes place is so anyone that reads it will know where the story takes place.
There are no place names in the script so if I don't tell you where it takes place.... you won't know will you.
Now when this thing gets made, and it will, you'll know where the story takes place by the accents of the characters.
what I'm trying to say here is the story doesn't take place in your country. It takes place in my country which is..... New Zealand  

Page 1 - I will never again introduce a character that is about to come on screen... promise
             I described TWO things relevant to the story, TWO. I'm hanging my head in shame.

Page2 - What do these guys look like: One guy is a 12 year old boy (they all look the same at that age) the other guy is the boys father ( I  have no idea what he looks like, it doesn't matter) the other guy is the mother of the 12 year old boy and the wife of the 12 year olds father. I hope that clears things up for you
Page 3 - Sorry about the confusion, I'll fix that up pronto.
             I'm sorry, I didn't realise Little Miss Sunshine could "take" a name. Stan Grossman is in at least two other movies that I've seen and now it's in this one and it's staying in.
Page 8 - Sorry I ain't not got a clue what you're talking about. Please enlighten me.
Page 9 - So here's me trying to be helpful and describing what a UTE is (I was told that Americans wouldn't know) and I've taken you out of your comfort zone. Well Emanuel, if this has taken you out of your comfort zone, it's just as well you stopped reading when you did. Please do not, I repeat, do not read any further.
Again thanks for your time
John    

P2: Why use a superimpose when you have a narrator? Sounds like a waste of an opportunity. Peachy could go: "2 years later... I'm a technical genius... etc."

Quoted Text P2: We are talking classic backyard bush mechanics here. Use whatever is available. If it doesn�t fit or won�t do the job... make it fit and do the job.

I reckon it's a spec script. You don't want to get bossy with a potential producer on page 2... of the script. Overall it gives the script a bad taste to the reader as well. Explain it in the action line above this and lose the attitude.

Quoted Text P3: Disconnecting the battery on the motorcycle, he takes it to his car, the now fixed up piece of junk we saw earlier and reconnects it. (The term �fixed up�is used very loosely here)

You could do this without parentheticals. Just add an appropriate adjective in front of fixed up. Saves you 8 words.

Quoted Text P9: For Americans: A UTE is what we call something that looks like a pick-up, four wheel drive. Like a Ford F150 thingy.

What about us non-americans that don't know what an UTE is? Feeling left out here. This is a NZ script and you, naturally should use NZ terms. There's no need to explain what it is imo, we can google. Notes like this take up unneccessary space.

Quoted Text P12: (That�s �cause he came from Wales where they speak with.... You got it, a strong Welsh accent.)

They speak with a welsh accent in Wales? One learns something new every day. No need to repeat detail to add wit, it takes up valuable lines in a screenplay.

Quoted Text P14: Show a couple of STILL PHOTOS of the �fingers incident� using a long lens.

In spec scripts it is good to keep the flow and disregard orders to the director/editor. I'd go with: "A couple of STILL PHOTOS of the "ingers incident" on a long lens pop up/are shown."


On page 17 now and you're having flashbacks in flashbacks in flashbacks in a story already being narrated? Not sure that's a good idea. Looking at the order of things at the moment I don't see why it couldn't be told in real time. At the least have Peachy drop some comments in meanwhile.

Quoted Text P23: PEACHY Well sort of... It�s not quite, it�s not - MR REED (interrupting) Well have you or have you not?

You have a - there, so you won't need interrupting. However it is usually two --'s to indicate interruption so add one at the end and two before Mr Reed's dialogue too.

Quoted Text P23: MR REED (slight Spanish accent) Excelente muchacho excelente

That's an odd random Spanish comment. Doesn't quite work and kills the exchange for me. Maybe if he just dropped a random word as "muchacho" by accident it would be more believable and not so odd, but his English seemed a little too neat for that too. I don't know, might just be me but I'd give if it fits in or not a thought.

P26: Wait what are we out of the flashback now? I wasn't going to mention it, but since I'm super confused now... you should just indicate the flashback in slug lines. Like this: EXT. SOMEWHERE - DAY - FLASHBACK

Quoted Text P 28: An elderly lady, GRANNY T is asleep in an electric chair... No, lets make that an electric WHEEL chair. Kylie taps her on the shoulder

Just say it's an electric wheel chair and cut the "No it's a.." line. No need to be too novel-esque.

I'm giving this a stop here. Overall: I very much like your writing, while it's maybe a bit too novel-ish, most parts it fits, I pointed out some parts that really bugged me above though. While I have no idea this sounds very true to New Zealand and your characters/dialogue are colorful and stand out. No regrets clicking on this one.

What does do the script damage are these notes you can find on the first pages that I also brought out. They seem to disappear later on. Trust me, lose them.

A few suggestions for you to consider:

1. Your scene order and the flashbacks. As I pointed out above at one point you had three flashbacks in a flashback of a story being narrated. I'd say it would work better if you just told things in the order they're happening with narration. In those flashbacks you had, don't use a super. If you have a narrator use it to the fullest potential.

2. The first 30 or so pages I read lack conflict. Perhaps try to generate some even if only by through Peachy's narration to indicate that something will go off the rails soon (which I imagine will happen with 99% certainty based on the logline.)

Hope this was of some help. Good luck with the script. Are you planning to pitch this in NZ? How's the movie business around there? Can't say there's much to hear about NZ movies or television.

- DS

Hi DS, tanks for the read
Your first comment has just kicked my stupid brain cell into gear and I thank you.
The reason the jump forward two years was in, was because I had a different beginning.
I changed it about three months ago and despite having read this damn thing through a million times I missed it.... what a dope.
Now as for my writing style, you're not wrong. I tend to write how I think and talk.
One of the things that really..... is when I read scripts that read like the proverbial assembly instructions for a flat pack cupboard, they have no feeling or soul. Okay I've probably gone a little over the top, I'll tone it down.
Your last line: yes I'm trying to get this made in New Zealand.
You say you don't here much about our movies and TV. Well you've got to be
the luckiest person on the planet. Our movies are either bleak or miserable.
Except for the ones that are bleak AND miserable. If you ever get a chance to watch one....
DON"T.
Spend your time head butting rusty nails into a brick wall, you'll enjoy that more.
Again thanks for your time and good luck
john W
PS
If you've made it to page 30 keep going. You may not like the writing style but you must
want to know if they get the bulldozer running and you have to meet Reg Dashwood.    

DS. If you've got a script on this sight let me know what and where it is
I'll give it a read
John w

Code This story is set in rural New Zealand. - 2012 FADE IN:

First you FADE IN, then add a SUPER to tell us it is RURAL NEW ZEALAND 2012

Code EXT. PEACHES PROPERTY - DAY

You say afterwards that their surname is Peach, so you should write: PEACH'S PROPERTY.

Code EXT. PEACHES PROPERTY - DAY The home of PAUL AND GRACE PEACH, their twelve year old son STEPHAN, aka PEACHY and their one year old daughter LILY.

The above is not a visual way of introducing your characters. You're telling rather than showing. Introduce each character and include something clever in the description that tells us about character. Could be a distinguishing feature or an action they are doing.

Code Travel down a driveway towards their house and backyard.

Who's travelling and in what manner?

Code each time a boys voice

boy's.

Code The sound of a HAND SAW being used to cut firewood. It jams constantly, each time a boys voice, cursing and muttering to himself. The voice belongs to - PEACHY (O.S.) Bloody stupid saw.... Damn stupid bloody saw.... This is bloody ridiculous.... As the sawing/cursing continues arrive at - EXT. PEACHES BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS A boy struggling to cut firewood with a CROSSCUT SAW. It’s bigger than he is and he’s not having much fun.

This reads very awkwardly. You really don't want awkward writing like this displayed on your first page. Most will chuck it in the bin. Be better to simply cut straight to Peachy without the rigmarole beforehand. You also introduce Peachy and then go on to referring to him as 'boy' again. Unless it's a different boy?

Code INT. PEACHES LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS As they watch through a window -

As who watches through a window?

I got to page 4 and the dialogue isn't very realistic.... so I'm guessing that you're young. It's best to stick to what you know, write a teen movie. Even then though there are still weaknesses in your writing that you will need to correct. You're in the right place. Few years, you'll be writing like a pro.

Dustin,
The "rural New Zealand" bit. As I explained at the top of this comments thing.
It's there ONLY to let American readers know that the story is not set in America,
It's in New Zealand. If I didn't tell you, you wouldn't know would you. It would not appear
on film. Basically I'm trying to be helpful and getting a shit load of grief for it, but hey I've got broad shoulders.

Who's traveling down a driveway?
I'll give you a clue, it's called a camera. So far you're the only person who can't see that. Well done.

As watches through a window?

This is not hard, allow me to explain. The kids mother and father, they're the ones that speak next.
Nearly there. The dialogue isn't very realistic: It is in New Zealand, that's where we are, you know that 'cause I told  you at the very beginning. Remember.

So you think I'm young?
If you'd kept on reading you would not have made that assumption, believe me.

Thanks for the 4 pages and good luck with your writing
JohnW

Quoted from JohnW The "rural New Zealand" bit. As I explained at the top of this comments thing. It's there ONLY to let American readers know that the story is not set in America, It's in New Zealand. If I didn't tell you, you wouldn't know would you. It would not appear on film.

Yes it would appear on film as it is set in New Zealand and people will all have New Zealand accents. There are many, many ways the location can be made obvious. If a bunch of cockneys are running around Nelson's Column while shooting and calling each other cants, it's almost definitely going to be set in London.

If you really feel the need to inform the reader where it is set, then the correct way to do that is by using a SUPERIMPOSE:

You can argue all you like... but I'm right and you are wrong.

Quoted Text Basically I'm trying to be helpful and getting a shit load of grief for it, but hey I've got broad shoulders.

Someone simply telling you are wrong is not giving you a shit-load of grief. You're just wrong. Deal with it.

Quoted Text Who's traveling down a driveway? I'll give you a clue, it's called a camera. So far you're the only person who can't see that. Well done.

Again this is your fault for not being clear. There also isn't any need to direct the camera... but if you are going to insist on it then you should at least do it properly.

Quoted Text As watches through a window? This is not hard, allow me to explain. The kids mother and father, they're the ones that speak next.

They may well speak next, but we still don't know who is looking through the window. Introduce who is in the scene and what they are doing, then have them speak.

Quoted Text Nearly there. The dialogue isn't very realistic: It is in New Zealand, that's where we are, you know that 'cause I told  you at the very beginning. Remember.

When I say the dialogue isn't realistic, I mean that it doesn't fit with what is going on, or is OTN, or expositional.

Quoted Text So you think I'm young? If you'd kept on reading you would not have made that assumption, believe me.

I'm not sure what could possibly happen later that would change my mind. I was reading Stephen King, aged 9. I was also writing adult stuff at 12. To me young is someone under 25. If you're older then I apologise... but I'm not really sorry. I genuinely believe that your writing is not very mature. You still have quite a way to go.