A Cold Wind by Colin Field (cfed) - Short - Two low level criminals find themselves in a daunting scenario after their first big heist goes terribly wrong. 21 pages - pdf, format

Colin,

Always start your script with FADE IN: to the left.

Your scene heading it's right. Should be INT. APARTMENT - DAWN

Your opening paragraph has a grammar issue, as well as some writing problems. Should be "squatter's" Also, don't tell us there's no electricity, because on film we'd have no way of knowing until a character tries to turn on a light. You tell instead of show a few times, which is an issue. Remember, only write what we can see on the screen.

Your second paragraph is kind of long, and could probably be broken up into two. I recommend introducing one character per paragraph, because more than that, it becomes easy to mix them up.

"His back to us"-- it's best not to refer to "us" in action lines, since it reminds me I'm reading a script and takes me out of the story.

Parentheticals generally annoy people, so only use them when necessary. He just woke up, so, is it important to tell is he's speaking groggily? Wouldn't that be kind of obvious?

To me, the names GAVIN and CHRIS looks kind of similar on the page, which makes it easy to mix them up.

"Gavin goes over to the window and peaks out suspiciously" That's telling, not showing. How do we know he's suspicious? Are his eyes narrowed? Does he frown? Gives us a more visual description.

What's with the asterisk after "he smokes a cigarette"?

Overall I find this interesting, but you could trim some of it. 20 pages is a bit long, and this could easily be trimmed to a better length.

Hope this helps.

Will

Hey Colin,

This script really needs to be proofread. I only got 4 pages in and while I was interested to see why the two couldn't leave the house, I also got too annoyed by the grammatical errors to continue reading. Any Hollywood readers would feel the same. Also, there are parts that come off a little too repetitive. You say a character wakes up groggily and then you put "groggily" in their tone a second later. Not necessary. Also, use dashes for the sluglines instead of periods.

I'm sorry I didn't get further. I was a little turned off by the bacon/pussy comparison. Dialogue needs some tweaks, but keep working on it and I'd gladly read a next draft.

-Kurt

Hey Colin,

I don't recognize your name nor do I recognize the username. Hope you pitch in soon, because there is some great feedback waiting for you on this thread, most of which you desperately need.

Basically I'll be short and sweet, as I don't want my feedback to fall on deaf ears. If you're around, PM me and I'll add a little more and go in depth with my response.

As the other two have already said, there is a lot wrong with this. The writing issues made it hard for me to get past page 2. Usually I'm ok with it and I go a little further, but the profanity in the first line of dialogue and the comparison of bacon and pussy (WTF put me off. It almost seems as if you don't have much to say, so you jumped to pointless dialogue which doesn't benefit the story in any way whatsoever.

You need to be a little less careless with the writing. I knew what I was in for the moment I read that title page. I'm sorry, mate but the least you could do is take the time to head up your title page with a title, name of author and some contact details. It's the easiest part and it should take 2 minutes. It shows that you may have jumped to submitting this a little too soon.

The lack of a "FADE IN:" and the slugs have already been mentioned so I won't jump into those and ramble on about things you've already read. What I will say is... I hadn't even started reading the action and I wasn't impressed. Not a good thing. Most readers wouldn't even continue.

Let's get onto the writing.

Page 1: "It is a dark and dingy place, possibly a squatters nest." - Two things here...

1) It's overwritten. Try avoid sentences that start with "It is..." - It adds unnecessary length to the writing. Try this instead...

"Dark and dingy"

- That's honestly all you need to get your point across. Ditch all the creative crap you may have picked up from novels. This is a screenplay. You're writing for everybody in the cast and crew. You don't want people looking at your writing, thinking "What the hell is this guy on about?!".

2) You're telling the reader too much rather than showing him. Don't mention what the viewer can't see. You've already gotten some great advice with this from Will and you'd do well to take note of what he has to say. If the squatter's nest is important then you need to mention features that make it look like a squatter's nest. Describe what can be seen. Don't get lazy.

If you're around, don't hesitate to PM me. I'm more than willing to spend extra time writing out notes for others. You'll find that most people who actually review scripts want to help.

Sorry if I've come across a little harsh.

Good luck and keep writing.

Dan

Hey Colin.

As Dan pointed out, it seems like you didn't care much for your own work.  A second look through would had easily exposed that title page error.

The slug should be dashes and the time is either DAY or NIGHT unless imperative to the story.

Your action paragraphs are overwritten for the most part.
Dark and dingy.  A ray of light shines through.
CHRIS(23) reads under the ray.  (brief description of Chris).

GAVIN(age) lies in the corner with a dirty blanket and pillow.
(brief description of Gavin).  He turns to Chris.

That's pretty much it.  Nothing too fancy and if there are any necessary details, you can add them but I don't really see any in those first paragraphs.

A bit of telling and no showing thus far.  Peaks out window suspiciously?  No electricity?  And the whole pussy and bacon comparison?  It's cool to be gross as long as it's funny but this really wasn't and it can have some nasty consequences as those who have commented on it have demonstrated.  Besides, doesn't bacon + bacon = awesome breakfast?!

Either way the dialogue just runs on with idle conversation which doesn't aid the progression of the plot.  It reveals a bit of character but in that, I find them both unappealing, especially Gavin.  If you're trying to portray Gavin as a douchebag, at least make him cleaver in his remarks.  You can have a mediocre plot with vibrant characters but not the other way around IMO.

You also don't need a new slug or a CUT TO if there at the same place.  Just use LATER.  You also use the "..." quite a bit in your dialogue.  I suggest to refrain from them about as much as parenthesis in dialogue.  Leave it up to the actors to decide the duration of rest between words.

Just a lot of idle conversation and no action going on.  No attempt to "make a move" so to speak.  I know it's realistic for two people to hide out from "the big heist that went wrong"(if we ever get to that part) but most scripts aren't about normal, average situations.  We come to be entertained and sorry to say but I wasn't.  Don't mean to sound harsh but that's what I got.

Hope these comments helped.  Keep on reading and writing and you'll be amazed how much better you'll become.

Hello everyone,

Thank you for taking the time to give me some feedback on my script. Sorry it has taken so long for me to respond to all the comments but I had some issues setting up an account.

I have been very eager to get back to all you and I’ll respond to each of your comments individually.

Starting with Will.

First off for the formatting stuff, like FADE IN: or the scene headers I have an embarrassing excuse for my lack of thoroughness and care. The fact is that this is a very early draft that I accidentally posted but couldn’t figure out how to replace with a current draft because, well frankly because I’m an idiot. So in my more recent draft most of the grammar and formatting is fixed. I also broke up the second paragraph to introduce the characters more smoothly.

I am still fairly new at this but I am definitely trying to stop “telling” as you say and do more “showing” because it seems to be the most prominant issue new writers have. Also I’m going to go back and chop out all the non-essential parentheticals because I agree they do get tiresome.

I can also see how the names could get confusing throughout the script especially because there are no other characters in there to break up the dialogue, so I will definitely consider changing one of the names, probably Chris.

The asterisk was just a typo in the old draft.

If you have the time I would really like it if you could read the new draft and tell me what you think about the revisions, specifically the adjustment of length (I took out about 5 pages) and the new dialogue.

Hey Kurt,

Thanks for posting.

First off I’m ashamed that my lack of proofreading caused you to stop reading the script, but I’m going use the same poor excuse I gave Will; that it was an early draft that I accidentally posted.  Most of the grammatical errors and formatting issues have been resolved in the new draft. Also I think I successfully cut out most of the repetition; however I’ll go back over it again and check for anything I missed.

If you could take the time to read my newest draft when you get a chance I would really appreciate it. Also, NOBODY seems to like the bacon/pussy comparison so you’re not alone in that regard. I think it may have been taken a little bit out of context but none the less it’s received a lot of harsh criticism so I’ll most likely get rid of it.

I look forward reading more of your feedback.

-Colin

Hey Regular John,

Thanks for posting.

As I said in the earlier posts, the formatting issues were just a carless blunder on my part and I hope we can try and look past them.

My overwriting seems to be very evident in this script as most of the feedback noted it, so I will definitely try to work on trimming my descriptive paragraphs in the next draft. I actually really like your example action paragraphs because they read much crisper than my own.

The Bacon/pussy comparison I admit may be a little gross, and somewhat pointless maybe, but it really wasn’t supposed to be funny. The only reason it’s there is for the exact reason you alluded to; in order to develop Gavin’s character, and make him come across as a shallow prick. I still think I’m going to change it though because there are many other ways to develop Gavin without being so off putting to the reader.

I agree with you that I don’t necessarily need all the new slugs because the whole script basically takes place in one room. But should I still use slugs to show the progression of time? I want the audience to get the sense that days are going by, so I think at some points I have to use new slugs.

I also agree with you that there is a lot of idle conversation, but if you keep reading the action does begin progress quickly a little later in the script. In my most recent draft I cut down on a lot of the dialogue and get right to the “good stuff”. So if you get a chance I would appreciate it if you give my new draft a read.  

-Colin

I'll definitely give it a read.

When I think of a short script, my mind always jumps to a campfire story.  You go camping, eventually everyone settles around a bonfire (hopefully WITHOUT a guitar) and somebody will crack out a story.

In those stories, you're always after short, sweet detail and a quick moving plotline.  Too long and people start wondering, "When the f*** is this gonna get good?!"  That's what I was sorta thinking while reading this, not to sound rude.

As far as progression of time, you can show that first scene, follow it up with a "LATER" and have those empty Chinese food boxes scattered about.  I won't go into too much detail as you've already edited your script.  Looking forward to reading it.