SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 1:06pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Drugs Are Bad Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 6 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Drugs Are Bad  (currently 4050 views)
Don
Posted: December 19th, 2012, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Drugs Are Bad by Matthew Layden (theusualsuspects) - Short, Comedy - A mother finds a bag of marijuana in her basement. The father decides to have a talk with his two sons to figure out who it belongs to.  - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
danbotha
Posted: December 19th, 2012, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wellington, New Zealand
Posts
700
Posts Per Day
0.16
Hey Matthew,

I didn't recognise your name and I don't think I've ever read anything of yours. However, for some reason your username rings a bell, so I thought I'd give this a read anyway.

I'll start off by saying I did not jump into this comedy expecting to like it. Personally, I find nothing funny with anything involving the consumption of drugs. It's a topic I will never reference in my scripts, ever. I've watched many a person turn into complete losers overnight due to Marijuana. My bias nature towards the subject may have made influenced me not enjoying this one. I found nothing funny in the concept and I didn't really see much of a story. How many times have we seen something like this onscreen? Too many for my liking. Not much originality in the plot, IMO.

The logline is in desperate need of some revision. It's an area I'm not really good at, so I doubt I can be much help. For such a short script, you could probably fit a logline into one sentence, instead of two.

The title didn't do much for, either. It seems like you may have gotten a little lazy with it. "Drugs are Bad"... Yes we know this, but how is that title relevant to your script??

The dialogue was generally alright. I'd just keep an eye on some of Mark's dialogue as it often rung a little unbelievable. For instance, when he's shouting for his kids to come downstairs, it doesn't seem like he's angry at all.

Page 1: "The kitchen is spotless..." - We know from your slug that we're in the kitchen. Stating it again in the action makes it seem a little redundant.

Page 1: "The man of the house, Mark..." - Two things here...
1) How do we know that he is the man of the house? This is the sort of thing you need to show, not tell.
2) "Mark" should be in CAPS with his first introduction.

Page 2: "The basement is unfinished..." - Again, we know from your slug that you're in a basement.

Try something like this...

"Unfinished. Bright pink insulation." - Always remember that screenwriting should be short and to the point. None of that extra full is needed.

Not bad, by any means. I've just never appreciated any drug related humour. I don't find things like this funny and I doubt I ever will.

Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh. Good luck and keep writing.

Dan


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 8
rc1107
Posted: December 20th, 2012, 12:38am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1241
Posts Per Day
0.20
Hey Matthew.

I'm not a drug person either and no way would I ever condone the use of drugs, but I did find the humor in this and did enjoy it in the long run.

I will say right off the bat though, that I went into this reading it like a skit rather than a full-on short, so I was ready for the gags and when they came, I still found myself laughing.  Except the ending, when we find out it's the father's.  That was no surprise at all.  In fact, to be honest, I knew that was going to be the ending as soon I read just the logline.  But, although that might be death for a short and definately a feature, predictability I feel doesn't hurt a sketch as much.  It's a little more forgivable.  It was very refreshing to see that this whole scene wasn't working up to that final lone gag, there were some funny lines along the way.

True, this might have been a scene we've all seen many times before in comedies, but what makes this work over the others is the timing.  That's a hard thing to nail in comedy, (and it's a hard thing to explain what I'm talking about in general), so hopefully you understand what I'm saying.  Timing is an intangible talent to have, (especially as a writer in sketch comedy) so that's what really made this script stick out for me.

Good job with this one.

- Mark


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 2 - 8
albinopenguin
Posted: December 20th, 2012, 11:06am Report to Moderator
Been Around


I got dipping sticks.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
785
Posts Per Day
0.14
who says drugs can't be funny? why, look at the feel good comedy of the year Breaking Bad if you need some inspiration.

so i have no problem with drugs. actually i do have a problem with drugs in that most screenplays about drugs tend to suck. with the exception of pineapple express, i can't think of any other drug movie that i specifically enjoy.

anyways, i really wasnt feeling this one. everything's just...mediocre. it's not terrible. in fact, it flows pretty well and it's not horribly written. but i feel like i've read this script before. in fact, i KNOW i've read this script before time and time again. the "surprise ending" isnt a surprise at all. i knew it within seconds. and the journey to get to that "surprise ending" is tedious and redundant.

these kinds of scenes only work in sitcoms with already established characters. as a stand alone, it's just not effective...unless you do something really different and unique.

best of luck with it.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 8
crookedowl
Posted: December 20th, 2012, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Matthew,

I think your logline needs some work. Try to condense it to one sentence. "A father tries to figure out which of his two sons left a bag of marijuana in the basement." Not great, but you get the idea.

Your writing is solid for the most part, but I don't think the characters acted realistically. The whole thing had an almost cartoonish vibe to it. It's fine if that's your intention (it's comedy, after all) but IMO, it would work nicer if it seemed more "real".

For example, in your opening scene the mom shows Dad a bag of marijuana. Without much hesitation he makes her leave the room, and calls his sons downstairs. In the basement, he doesn't seem like their father--"you're a regular day carrot top, aren't ya?", "quit school and do stand up, you're hilarious"-- and it's more like he's doing some good cop/bad cop routine.

The ending kind of explains the absurdity, but I still think something more realistic would be funnier. My two cents.

Will
Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 8
TheUsualSuspect
Posted: December 20th, 2012, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Canada
Posts
351
Posts Per Day
0.05
This is a writing exercise, so yes, very much like a skit.

Appreciate the comments, writing it I knew people would know the ending before it happened, but with skits it's not really an issue for me. I just wanted to get some laughs, some work, some don't.

Thanks again everyone.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 8
Toby_E
Posted: December 20th, 2012, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
London, UK
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.15
Matthew,

I read this because, well, I am partial to the occasional stoner-comedy... I guess this makes me the guy with the lower set of moral standards?

The issues I had with your script weren't related to the topic.

Issue no.1: At the top of page 2 I could see the ending. And considering this script was built around the final punchline, the fact that I guessed it so early on meant that when the punchline was finally delivered, I got nothing from it. Definitely throw a curveball with the ending. Have Mark and Kathleen find the weed together, maybe when they're cleaning. Then play us along, like it is Mark's, and that is going to be the punchline. And then maybe have it being Kathleen's? That would have surprised me more.

Issue no. 2: I personally just didn't find this very funny. Only time I actually smiled was when Mark was listing all the slang names for the greenery, and he said one ("hi-tide") that Jason had never heard of. You should have run with that for longer, man. Made it more outrageous. Had Jason say something like "Hi-tide?! Who calls it that?" And then have Mark get in an arguement with Jason, whilst he tries to argue that hi-tide is slang for weed. This would do wonders in leading us down the false path that the weed was Mark's, as well. But yeah, you definitely need to up the laugh-count, man.

A few other issues (didn't really like the title, issues with introduction of Mark) have already been mentioned, so I won't really go into them.

Overall, this shows potential, but it needs work. Make us laugh more, and then surprise us with the ending. Do this and you could have a decent little script on your hands.

Cheers.

Toby.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 8
Sphinx
Posted: December 25th, 2012, 2:28am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
12
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hey Matthew,

I have to agree with the others on this one. The log line is a little on the nose. For a skit this short a very quick log line could be used to get the idea across.

I think it's hard for stoner humor to have any originality so for me a lot of the jokes fell flat. I'm a fan of all different forms of comedy and stoner comedy is certainly one of them, but the characters just didn't feel right to me. There needs to be more jokes and more nonsense. The more obscure the better when it comes to this sub-genre. Best of luck!

- Kurt
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 8
Ledbetter
Posted: December 25th, 2012, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I read this and pretty much (like everyone else) saw it coming.

The way he was tlaking to them reminded me of the cop scene in Dumb & Dumber, when they got pulled over and lectured by the cop. Been tossing back grandpas cough syrup have ya?

He should have lit up with 'em.

They could have admired his rolling technigue and maybe pull out a bong. Take it to the next level.

Teens get high with their parents everyday.

Have 'em get real with each other.

Hey dad, I'm gay.

Yeah I know.

Your mom likes it rough.

Yeah, we know.

Teen - parent stoner talk is an untapped market.

Just a thought.

Shawn....><


Logged
e-mail Reply: 8 - 8
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006