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Some elements that are not used in the way I anticipated:
1) Bible school: I'm not sure how it fits in. It's a big part of the real estate here, as it's the opening image and significant dialogue is used on it. Is it just to show the girls are nice?
2) the mixing of the fortune cookies: when something like that happens, it should not be random. It should have meaning. And it's a great idea! It can really be used in a story, as the girl wonders the whole time if she got the right fortune, and we wonder at the relevance of these fortunes as events unfold.
3) the influence of the fortune cookie: I would like to see the cookie influence some decision she makes. As it is here, I don't see how it does. One cookie is a prediction that she will end up in a detour. I would rather see that she takes the untraveled road BECAUSE of the fortune.
The other cookie suggests she be compassionate to others. This would be effective if she was shown before this to be the opposite. But she is not. She is a nice Bible school teacher. So the fortune merely confirms what she already is.
In conclusion, there are elements here that are interesting by themselves, but don't seem to be any way connected. That includes the fact that there is no connecting theme.
The Bible school stuff and the fortune cookies do not seem in any way connected to her capture or the manner of her death. In fact, you really could just start the story with her driving down the road and being captured. You see what I am saying? Key elements like the Bible school, the discussion about false prophets, and the fortune cookies can be removed and it wouldn't impact the story. That is a real sign that the story is not cohesive, not really planned out.
The elements are in place to make this interesting, however. Mixed fortune cookies, choosing a road, the possibility of being influenced by reading a fortune. The thing is to construct the story so that all of these elements are ripe with meaning and indispensable to the tale.
The writing is strong, there is potential for a great story, it's worth working on after you get all the reviews. Good luck!
Thanks Kevin...I will surely clean it up. It was a quick write. And I even went back and tried to make the cookie thing work better but I think I can fix this lil guy up
Thank you for the helpful comments!!! I should've put Cowboy Sam in this!
Strange script, this one. Not sure what to say. I don't think it really had a clear message, at least I couldn't see one. Was it to have trust in those fortune cookies? Kind of fell flat for me since I didn't really understand it.
I also didn't understand the frail old woman in the basement, what did she mean when she passed her the fortune paper?
I suppose I'm just being picky here. For 6 pages, it wasn't bad but it was lacking for me.
I took away from the story that a you should put your trust in God and not fortune cookies, but any way you slice, it's the same outcome. As the ending was happening, I started feeling short of breath. I don't know if it was the change in gears or Beta's bad luck, but you for sure got me twisted. I had a good time reading this.
It was well written but a bit dense at times. Try to be a bit more sparing in your descriptions. I know I keep saying that (and I'm not perfect at it either) but it's something every screenwriter should be aware of.
I liked this but I think it had an issue with the protags despair being so drawn out. Add more suspense before you take us on that tortured journey.
I can't write one and so far you've knocked out two awesome
Once again very well wrote, but this time a lot more confusing... I agree with Kevin with the bible school at the start, it had nothing to do with the rest of the story, maybe character building.
The lesson I got from this was that you shouldn't drive and crack open fortune cookies at the same time.
Damn...so far these are all extremely dark, depressing scripts! WTF? It's Christmas, for God's sake.
Dena, this is quite brutal. In that regard it totally works. This is what I call playing for reals in horror. No punches are pulled.
Writing-wise, it's OK, but I can tell it was most likely really rushed. I'm sure you know there are a number of mistakes.
But, as I think Mo said, it is confusing at times and that's because you tried to direct so many of the shots and action, once Beta gets taken. It's always difficult and when you write quickly, doing this successfully usually doesn't happen.
I think Michael is also right in what he says about the density here.
And finally, I totally agree with Kev, and for me, it's the biggest mistake or problem. I don't have a problem with the Bible school opening, however, I do agree it could be much better utilized.
The prophecy had zero to do with anything, unless I totally missed something. I just don't see anything but effective brutality and horror...but, few can deliver like this, so I am actually impressed.
I'm hoping for a nice Christmas tale that's happy, joyous and bright soon.
I agree with the others. This was oddly dark lol. I didn't mind how it turned out, it took by surprise actually.
Obviously well written. I do like your writing style - flawless, at least in my perspective. I also appreciate how you tend to come up with and submit something for these OWCs even when you're busy
I do think there should be more suspense in the fortune cookie scene - maybe a will she/won't she type of bit. My only complaint, and this is just me nitpicking, is that I didn't buy Beta nor her friend Monet as 16yr old's. They didn't talk or come across as 16yr olds. Sorry, I didn't buy it and I don't know why it bothered me LOL.
I appreciate your work and I'll read anything from you... I actually think I see another piece from you in this batch. Onto that one...
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Fate of Fortune - EOWOWC
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