SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 6:47am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Distress Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 22 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Distress  (currently 1317 views)
Don
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 11:20am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Distress by Tom Peterson (DivinityFilms) - Short, Thriller - A woman, who lives in a constant state of paranoia, one day encounters a wounded man. She soon finds herself faced with the choice of whether to help him or not get involved. 9 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Tyler
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
UK
Posts
30
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hello, Tom.

Overall, I enjoyed the script. There are, however, a few mistakes I'd like to point out. I'm not a professional script writer, so don't take anything I say too seriously.

First of all, the 'FADE IN:' is missing at the start of the script.

Next, when introducing a new character you need to state their age. The 'Co-Worker' has a speaking part but is not given an age nor a description.

Third, if Grayson is on the other side of the fence and talking, you need to put 'O.S' (off-screen) next to his name, because he is talking without being visible. Another problem I had with this was when he was explaining that he had been shot, was in a lot of pain, but then asks for Dana's name almost straight away. I think he would have other things on his mind.

When the same character talks after an action, remember to place 'CONT'D' after the name.

Lastly, I think there may be a few grammatical issues with the 'Gangster's' speech, but I may be wrong.

This all being said, I enjoyed the basis of the script.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 10
DivinityFilms
Posted: January 4th, 2013, 2:09am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
7
Posts Per Day
0.00
Thanks for reading, Tyler!

I'm glad you enjoyed some of the script and pointed out some good areas of improvement.

I purposely do not put in specific screenwriting additions that are considered proper format, simply because they aren't necessary or accurate in my script. The "CONT" would be helpful, but some additions such as "FADE IN" I don't feel as necessary. I know it's what other screenwriters will say is "supposed" to go in the script, but I don't write scripts for that purpose. I only put what's necessary to the story.

Lots of people will say you NEED to put "FADE IN" at the top, but it doesn't add anything to the script except the use of more space and whether the director wants to "fade in" in the movie is up to them. It's not necessary in this script and I didn't intend to fade in when I wrote it, so I find no use for it. It's necessary so that readers will continue reading, then I can put it in, but otherwise I don't really see the reason.

I did miss the age of the co-worker which would be great to add as well as the "O.S".

As for Grayson asking for Dana's name. He was shot and in desperate need of medical attention, but he also noticed how afraid Dana was and in his situation he was desperate for her to help him as no one else was around. So he's not asking her name as if he's meeting her at a store. He's trying to quickly develop a level of trust with her by meeting her in the general way that will allow her to feel comfortable. If he just said, "HELP ME NOW!" she would probably be more reluctant. So he is in a very strained and careful way trying to get her to help him.

The gangster's speech is a bit exaggerated. I think I had a little fun with that lol, but it's not entirely farfetched from what scummy troublemakers like these would be saying. It can certainly be refined though haha.

Thanks again for the feedback. Most appreciated!

- Tom

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 10
ColinField
Posted: January 4th, 2013, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
16
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hey Tom,

Overall I liked the script. I thought it was a quick little interesting story.

First off, you can give Grayson a name straight away because it just gets confusing to change his character name from MAN to GRAYSON mid-script.

My main advice is that it’s too long. IMO you have a lot of stuff that’s just not necessary to the story. The whole first scene in the fast food joint could probably be scrapped in its entirety. All you really need is a quick shot of her clocking out. I get that you’re probably trying to develop her character a little more by making her seem timid with the customers to make it more fantastic when she makes a huge leap in character latter in the script. But, doesn’t the fact that it’s her first day on job warrant her to be a little timid regardless of whether or not that’s part of her real character? I would be nervous as well on the first day, but I’m not nervous in the rest of my life. See what I’m saying?

The scene at the bus stop with the co-worker is probably not necessary either. Maybe have her merely say a quick good bye to her coworker, and then have the bus drive away. Get straight to the story.

Some of the action writing is a little awkward as well...

“On the quiet neighborhood street, Dana looks around for sight of others out”

The dialogue could definitely use some work as Tyler pointed out...

—MAN (GRAYSON)
(wincing)I’ve been shot. I can’t tell how
bad. But every time I try to stand
up or walk it hurts bad. What’s...
What’s your name?

I read your reasoning behind why he might ask for her name, but still it seems very strange that someone in that scenario would ask that question.

Also dialogue here...

GRAYSON
(straining)
I was just... going to work. And
these guys... probably a gang, they
pointed a gun at my window.

“Probably a gang” Seems like too casual of a thing to say considering the situation. You want the audience to find out that it was a gang that attacked him but let us find out some other way, that's more interesting than him just telling us.

Also, I saw the ending coming miles ahead of time. Try to disguise it a little bit.

-Colin
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 10
CrusaderVoice
Posted: January 5th, 2013, 12:01am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
159
Posts Per Day
0.04
A play on Luke 10:25-37?

Kind of surprising there haven't been more modern takes on that story similar to what you've given us here...

A tired waitress doesn't have the some connotation as a Samaritan for a modern audience but this still works in a "common-person," "Sarah Connor (from the first Terminator movie)" kind of way.

She either has really quick hands or is a stretch she pepper-sprays all three gang members before any one of them can duck / counter / break for their vehicle? That's really not that big a deal - this script works with a change to two thugs as opposed to a gang of...however many...and with one armed dude or two guys, it's more plausible she takes one or both out as opposed to 3 or more gang-members.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 10
Busy Little Bee
Posted: January 5th, 2013, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
324
Posts Per Day
0.05
I enjoyed how this character in the face of crisis showed herself who she really was. She went from nervous nelly to trusting than helping stranger escape from thugs. Character change is good, especially when it was her actions, and not necessarily her demeanor. Other than a few awkwardly read narratives, not bad.

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 10
DivinityFilms
Posted: January 5th, 2013, 10:35pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
7
Posts Per Day
0.00
Thank you to all of you for the great feedback! I love the chance to make my scripts even better with your help and this is all very helpful.

Colin, you made great points. I tend to not reveal a character's name as I want the reader to learn their name the same time the main character does. Just as it is in a movie. I like to make that experience the same in the script, but I would assume this probably isn't the right way to do it. It just feels odd to give the reader information before it's naturally been revealed. Is there another way to do this or would just giving his name in his first line dialogue be more sensible?

This script was meant to be a 5-page script, but of course I went over and I wanted to get feedback of what areas are strong and weak for the rewrite. I could write a different way to show how paranoid she is. Her character lives in a smaller town, doesn't have too much going on, and likes to keep low-key, so it's tricky trying to find a situation that would really test that, but I can introduce a better opening scene  to show it.

I could certainly cut much of the opening down, write the action and dialogue a bit better.

In terms of the ending, is there a  specific part that was predictable or did you mean everything? The hospital, the gangsters showing up, ect.?


CrusaderVoice I'm not familiar with "Luke 10:25-37". I would describe it close to the Sarah Connor reference though haha. I wanted to primarily tell a story about a paranoid single woman and then the question arises, what would be the worst thing that she could encounter that day that also turns out to be the one thing that changes her in a positive way? I think I could refine the concept a little more though.

Her pepper-spray surprise was meant to be unexpected even for us, the audience in a way. I wanted to show that she truly is this paranoid where she has a pepper-spray can ready and prepared exactly for these kinds of situations. So these thugs basically encountered the wrong woman.

I wanted 3 gangsters as it hints at the idea that there are more. 3 feels like a gang. 2 feels like partners in crime. I can re-work that as it is a little suspension of belief for her to take out three at once.

BusyBee, I'm glad the arc was able to be received well for the main character! I can definitely fix up the narratives as well.


Thanks for reading/reviewing!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 10
ColinField
Posted: January 8th, 2013, 11:17pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
16
Posts Per Day
0.00
Tom,

I'm not a pro at this either (not by a long shot) but I would have to say that it's probably just best to give him a name from the beginning.

By the ending I was only referring to the two mains "getting together." Other than that the ending was fine.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 10
Gary in Houston
Posted: January 9th, 2013, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1306
Posts Per Day
0.32
Tom, I was trying to figure out the bus stop scene and why she wouldn't get on the bus and why she freaked out when the two customers came in.  I wasn't sure if you were going for something along the lines that she has trust issues or is a just paranoid or bi-polar or something else.  Maybe that's why it's difficult for me to accept the ending that she'll want to go out the guy that's she had just met.  Are you saying that she somehow has an emotional connection with this guy after what they went through?  I think it might have been more believable for Grayson to tell her much he appreciated her helping out, and then maybe he shows up a few days later at the diner.  I'm not saying the story is bad at all--it reads really well--but for me the story needs to have logical connections.

I think your writing is strong enough--there are some places where there is some cleanup needed.   I think others have picked up on some of these already, but here are a couple of others you probably should change:

Page 1 bottom of page:
A neighborhood bus rolls to a stop at the sign as Dana
stands talking with a CO-WORKER. Her bag and water bottle in
hand.

"Her bag and water bottle in hand" is an incomplete sentence, so change the period after CO-WORKER to a comma.

Page 6: "They scream and cover there eyes"  -- needs to be "their".

Page 8: "My names, Dana" should be "My name's Dana."

Finally, you make a point above about not using FADE IN because you think it's just  a waste of paper, but then you use FADE TO on page 6 and FADE OUT on the last page.  Just think you need to be consistent with the formatting.

Again, not trying to be the grammar or format police--just trying to help!

Cheers,
Gary






Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 10
levijyron
Posted: January 11th, 2013, 12:16am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
12
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hi Tom,

Cute concept, but I found this one pretty difficult to read. I think the issue is the writing is very much 'telling' rather than 'showing' and it's pretty verbose and clunky. You could get to the point a lot quicker without it being wordy.

Watch for "you're" vs "your" and "there / their / they're" differentiation.

Also I doubt Dana would have been able to take down 3 gangsters with pepper spray. Perhaps think about how that scene could be a little more realistic.

Promising story mate, just needs a little work.

All the best with it.

Cheers, Levi
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 10
DivinityFilms
Posted: January 15th, 2013, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
7
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hey, Gary thanks for the feedback! Dana is hesitant to get on the bus after she looks through the windows and gets a sense that it might be dangerous. She basically weighs the two choices of being in a small space with different people where she wouldn't be able to get out right away if she wanted to or to walk the short distance home in a public neighborhood where others can see her and she has the opportunity to run if she needs to.

She was paranoid of helping the two customers because she was the only one in the front of a quiet restaurant and two men come in. There was many thoughts going through her head of what could go wrong such as the two men robbing her for the cash in the register or attacking her. Being along and with the excuse of being able to avoid them by leaving for the day, she decided to make the choice she believed would be safer.

Thanks for pointing out the errors as well. For the fades I used them as I imagined the story as it felt necessary to transition from the car to the hospital to show the passage of time and the the fade out as it lets us slowly leave Dana's story feeling as she does instead of just cut to black ending.

I always like to include them in how they would help present the story, but I've learned to use "FADE IN" always now. Though my next couple script submissions missed them.


Levijyron, thanks for reading and I see what you mean by telling over showing and the clunky writing. In the re-write it's become much more concise and less wordy. Also fixed the grammatical errors such as the "you're" and "there". The pepper-spray scene also revised.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 10
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006