The Revival by Maciej Gracz - Series - After Lee has a fallout with his best friend, a manipulative demon named Matches, he encounters a mysterious woman who offers him an opportunity that may help rebuild his life.  51 pages - pdf, format

Hello Maciej.

The FROM BLACK should be above the slug.  I suggest using a FADE IN.  It seems to be the widely accepted transition at the start of the script but no problem.

You go into a lot of description with the condo, most of which doesn't seem to be relevent to the story.  A short paragraph following the slug and then Matches' introduction will suffice.  The first page is important as it's supposed to hook the reader so maximize your use of this critical first page instead of describing the details of the apartment.

When Lee interrupts Matches, you don't need that parenthetical.  The dash from Matches' dialogue already shows that Lee is interrupting him.

Lee's facial expressions are mostly told instead of shown.  He goes from a face of worry to a face of distress.  Use body language to better illustrate Lee's shifts in mood instead of simply telling us.

You don't need semicolons in dialogue.  You can have fragments and incomplete sentences in dialogue since it's speech.  You're also starting to use a lot of parentheticals which is only used when absolutely necessary.  Otherwise illustrate in action lines if you have to.  You can show Lee is confused instead of sticking it in parenthesis.  Same goes for "Motion's 'no'".

You second slug isn't necessary.  Since they're still in the condo, you can use LATER to show a pass in time.  This is what I've got so far.  Best of luck with your series.

Hey guys, I’ve been a lurker on these forums for a while now, but it didn’t seem right to start reviewing till I posted something up. I understand the whole I have to read others to get reads.

This is my first script, and any help will be greatly appreciated. Honestly, I wasn’t targeting anything with this. I just wanted to write something for fun, though if it’s all right I may give this to a contest later. If you decide to read I have a quite a bit of questions about logline, format and content.

Btw, if you’re lurking on this topic and want me to read your script just send a PM, I’m fine if you don’t read mine at all.

Thanks for the help RegularJohn, but I need clarification on two things.

Should I even bother describing the condo? I listed certain aspects as notable in the script, since they would be used later on, such as the fruit bowl, statue and end table.  Would it be wrong to describe the condo in a different scene?

Instead of writing face of distress, should I simply say that Lee sweats, is straight faced and his lip quivers? When I say face of distress I have a set face in mind, but do I need to describe the details of how his face actual looks like? It seems being more vague allows the actor a range of motion in their actions instead of limiting this by specifying the exact movements. Though, I understand that at certain times motion should be exact, but I’m not sure if it always should be.

Logline:

Is fallout supposed to be two words or one in this context (I'm thinking it's fall out)? Is there a comma or semicolon between Matches and he?

Format:

Are there too many parentheticals? Should I move them over to the actions lines? I might be too controlling of the motions in this script. Is guiding the actors more of the director’s job?

My grammar is absolutely terrible and would like to know if I wrecked certain principles constantly.

Content:

I realize if I want to broaden the range of this script that I would have to reduce or change certain aspects of this script, such as swearing.

Does the story grab you at the start?

I wanted to throw the reader in the middle of an ongoing world. Is it too overwhelming? I’m considering making an opening scene where a narrator (Lee or Matches) explains the whole situation of the city with the demons and gives a bit of backstory about Lee and Matches.

I wanted to make parallels across the episodes. There’s a scene with a certain wrapper that may appears simply as filler, but it’s supposed to parallel with episode two. Is it a terrible idea to do this or not?

It seems that the dialog flows awkward in some places. I already have an idea where this is, but maybe I’ve been over reading my script.

The character Sally is supposed to be twenty-six.

Is the overall story told at a steady pace? Not enough action?

Just for fun, but did you catch all my references, obvious and subtle?

Brutalize my work.

Thanks.

For me, I describe a setting about as much as I do a character, usually more.  Reviewing your script, you do have quite a bit on that first page.  First pages are critical for hooking readers and drawing them into your script as well as providing a good first impression which is why good loglines are crucial IMO.  I think you could use "a falling out" btw.

As far as body language and facial expressions go, I think everyone has their preferences.  I personally don't like using the word of the emotion I'm trying to illustrate in the description but sometimes it can get really difficult to do without.  Ultimately it's your story and it's the jobs of the director and actors to translate it to film.  They may have a different way of portraying what you write so I wouldn't be too hung up on whether or not your being too dominant with the body language.  You're using those ticks to show what someone is feeling by writing in those expressions.

Language is up to you and the character.  If your character would truly speak that way then don't hold back but having numerous potty mouths can be a bit of a turnoff.  You do use quite a few parentheticals which are used when absolutely necessary.  One such example is a group of characters speaking and one says something specifically to another.  In that case you would have the speaker and in parenthesis (to person).
You can put the manner in which they speak in parenthesis but again that would be better left up to the director and actors unless absolutely necessary.

As far as being grabbed by the opening, I really wasn't all that hooked.  Usually you give a genre with your logline.  In action genre's, I'm always expecting to be dropped right in the middle of the action or at least in that scary/excited lead up to an action scene.  I'm guessing from your logline and what I've read so far your headed for drama.  Now that you mentioned the fruit, I'm definitely intrigued.

I hoped this shed some light on some of your questions.  It's good that you chimed in.  A 51 page series is quite a load.  I would suggest doing a short or two on the side, get some more feedback and then go from there.  Everyone here respects a positive and contributing SS member so I think you'll do fine.  Good luck.

Johnny

@the one who knocks,

Nothing wrong with using wrylies or parantheticals, the problem is most writers tend to overuse them or do them incorrectly... moderation is the key, but make sure you're using them correctly.

1. When the dialog's tone and/or delivery may be incorrectly interpreted without a wrylie.

...................BILLY
...........(sarcastic)
Nice move.

.................BILLY
............(sad)
I love you.

2. When there is a shift in the dialog's tone and/or delivery that may be incorrectly interpreted without the wrylie.

...................BILLY
Ah, ha. He did it.
...........(confused)
The butler did it.

3. To indicate a language.

..................BILLY
...........(in French)
How you doin'?

here's a good one....
.................BILLY
            (lying)
I like it.
  
Just a few examples.

I'm quoting John August here;

"Try to stay away from all those afterly descriptions. We're not telling people how to act anymore, just give them specific lines, so hopefully it will inform their mood."


It's a good rule of thumb that I try to follow.  It's some good advice, not that you or anyone else have to take it.  Just saying.  

If you want to describe the condo, then do so, especially if it can reveal something about the character.  Just don't waste too much valuable real estate doing so...

Good Luck,

Ghostie