Confidential by Jennifer - Short, Comedy - An interview full of illegal questions doesn't get ugly until a forbidden question comes up. 2 pages - pdf, format

Forget Fade In: at the start of your script.

Headings are too specific you had, INT. SWANKY 20TH FLOOR BUSINESS OFFICE – DAY

Make it INT. OFFICE – DAY

In the action lines you can describe the set. Maybe there’s a Company Logo somewhere on the wall that has Swanky on it, next to the evaluator there’s a 20th floor imprint and you could say the office is full of cubicles implying it’s some sort of business company.

Get ride of the (CONT’D)

Numerous grammar problems – if you respond I can point them out.

No need for caps and exclamation points; just put one exclamation point.

I loved the description of the fat man; I could really visualize the second action line, that’s just classic. At first I thought the bat was made up of the letters that spelled confidential not just an imprint.

None of the questions were illegal, or that uncomfortable. Maybe it’s just me. I just wasn’t that into it at all. Is the fat man supposed to be over the top? I Imagined him sleazeballing through all his lines and screaming randomly.

From a budget viewpoint, if you wanted to film this, seems all right besides for the baby. I can’t really get a handle on your writing with only two pages; hope you write something longer, next time.

Umm... I don't get it. Am i dumb? Did this go completely over my head. Format was good, but the story... Hmmm. Maybe it's just not my sense of humor. Oh, and how did Shondra get to the office that fast?

~Zack~

Should throw in a title page.

Start with a FADE IN, people here will chew you out for that.

I don't really think we need the AGE of a baby. You tell us it is a baby, that's all we need to know.

wow, I had to read the 2nd page two or three times to really understand what the hell was happening. I have no idea what your trying to say with this piece. Is it funny? Cause I don't see any jokes here. Is it serious? Cause it comes off as too weird and odd rolled into a comical (trying to be) piece.

I'm with Zack on this one, it went over my head too, cause I don't get it.

Like the others, I was completely lost as well.  Was this guy an identity thief?  That's the only plausible explanation I can think of, but an identity thief wouldn't come right out and ask for confidential information.  If it really was a job interview, then it wasn't believable for her to race down to his office with a baseball bat.  She would have just hung up the phone and moved on.

The formatting was really off as well--the scene headers (beyond the first one) were completely lacking and there were some grammatical errors as well.  Sorry to be a bummer, but go back, edit, rewrite and repost.  You had a good idea, but the execution was lacking.

Hey Jennifer,

Hate to keep banging the same drum but yeah, pretty much on board with all previous comments...

No idea what this is all about? Be interested to see if you show up and explain this one.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Great, great logline, Jennifer.  Hope you're around to respond.

You got me to open up the story to read it, as I wanted to find out what that forbidden question was.

Unfortunately, that's all the good I can really say about it.  It was too cartoony and charicaturish to pull off as a comedy, and there's not enough suspense or story or sense to be taken as a con film, which is what I think you were going for.

- Mark

Ah, the beauty of a 2 page script.  I'm sure all of this makes sense in your head, Jennifer, but unfortunately I'm going to have to agree with everyone else.  This makes no sense.

The only way I can wrap my head around this is if I picture it in the style of, The Hudsucker Proxy.  Very tongue-in-cheek.

Thankfully it was only 2 pages.

I look forward to hearing an explanation.

Jordan

Hi Jennifer,

Have to agree with the others. How did Shondra get to the office so fast? She leaves her house, gets into her car, maybe drives five miles or more to where the fat man works, parks her car and gets into an elevator that slowly pulls her to the twentieth floor as the fat man is still on the phone waiting for her. The story needs a little fixing.

Best of luck!

- Dirk

This made sense to me; it just didn't do it for me.

I think the problem with this is that it's too short.  He asks a question.  She refuses to answer.  He goes onto the next question.  Nothing builds.  Add a little chit chat, explaining the questions, and it may work.

BTW, how long was the fat guy waiting on the phone before Shondra showed up?


Phil