SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is July 22nd, 2018, 3:45am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Dano Jensen's Closure Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Dano Jensen's Closure  (currently 3403 views)
Don
Posted: January 15th, 2013, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12466
Posts Per Day
1.95
Dano Jensen's Closure by Oney Mendoza - Short, Drama - Traumatic memories are revisited for funeral director Dano Jensen when he learns that the body of his childhood bully is in the basement, ready for prepping. 10 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 6th, 2013, 4:53pm
revised draft
Logged
Site Private Message
DV44
Posted: January 15th, 2013, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
California
Posts
531
Posts Per Day
0.24
Hey Oney,

I enjoyed it!

Well written, the dialogue flowed nicely.

I loved your take on revenge but once the flashback started between Dano and Keith I had a feeling that Dano was responsible for the death of the man on the prepping table but regardless it was good. I'm sure a lot of people can relate from getting picked on by a bully at some point in their life for whatever reason and to see Dano fulfill his inner demons was gratifying for me.

Best of luck with future scripts!

Take care,

- Dirk
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 14
RegularJohn
Posted: January 15th, 2013, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
Purple


The bar has JUST been lowered

Location
sky valley
Posts
316
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hi Oney.

I agree with Dirk, this is a nice short.  Easy to read, easy to imagine.

The only thing I can point to were the beats in Dano's voice over.  I'm thinking you used them to break up that big chunk of dialogue.  I would suggest replacing them with a short line of action instead (kicking a rock, adjusting the straps on his backpack, the sound of Keith's bike tires approaching).  It's nit-picking really but thought I'd offer it up.

Great job either way.


A read for a read makes the whole world...better at reading.  PM me for a read.

Ring Finger
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 14
Kip
Posted: January 15th, 2013, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
Red


At my signal, unleash Hellboy

Location
St Albans, England
Posts
74
Posts Per Day
0.03
Hi Oney,

This was a pretty well rounded short for me.

Unlike Dirk, I didn't really see the ending coming the way it did, but it was a really good way to winds things up.

One or two of the sentences read a bit awkwardly for me:

"Keith pushes off the concrete from his bike. He circles Dano. Keith slaps him...again,,,he continuously does this."

When I first read it, I thought he was pushing concrete off his bike. Perhaps this action could be reworded:

"Keith starts to circle Dano on his bike and slaps him continuously as he goes."

Or something to that effect...

I liked the dialogue on the whole and thought the opening exchange between Dano and Tessa was really good.

Nice.

Kip.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 14
Nomad
Posted: January 15th, 2013, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Los Angeles, California
Posts
511
Posts Per Day
0.20
This was well written and easy to picture.

A few things I would revise:

When you flashback to 14 year old Dano, I would have the older Dano looking at the dead Keith, then a noise behind him makes him look over his shoulder, then you flashback to younger Dano looking over his shoulder.

That way it's pretty clear that this is the younger Dano.

I'd have Tessa present for most of Dano's voice over.  As it is now, the voice over just comes out of nowhere.  If she were there, then he'd be telling her the story.

Well done.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 14
hawkeye
Posted: January 15th, 2013, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Texas
Posts
562
Posts Per Day
0.27
Oney, totally agree with Jordan that the V.O. was out of place without anyone there for him to talk to.  This, of course, would create a dilemma for you in the way you end it, because then you would have Dano making a reveal that he doesn't want to make.

SPOILERS:

While I really like the concept, I have to wonder why 20 years later Dano would do what he did.  Bullying is awful, we can all agree, but usually the reactions to the bullying are either instantaneous or the bullying continues for so long that ultimately the victim will take action while he/she is being victimized.  Therefore, it might make sense to include an interceding flashback of something that happened between Dano and Keith just prior to Keith's death that re-triggered something in Dano's mind to take that action.  Another thing is that the gun ends up in a crackhead's hands.  That makes it sound like Dano is trying to frame someone else for the killing.  Again, not sure that makes sense.  I would lose that small sentence.  

Some minor corrections:

Page 1: "She look's like a prostitute for God's sake. -    You have an unnecessary dash at the end of that dialogue.

Bottom of Page 2:  Dano says: The name sounds familiar, but Tessa hasn't mentioned a name, only that a person was killed.  Dano should just say "Sounds familiar."

Middle of Page 6:  Another unnecessary dash at the end of some dialogue following a period.

Also on that page: "Keith breaks out into a hysterical laughter."  Drop the "a".

Hope that helps. Good job!

Gary


Click on the link to see my short Country Road 12 (previously known as "Roadside Attraction")
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 14
Nomad
Posted: January 15th, 2013, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Los Angeles, California
Posts
511
Posts Per Day
0.20

Quoted from hawkeye
...This, of course, would create a dilemma for you in the way you end it, because then you would have Dano making a reveal that he doesn't want to make.


I would just move the phone call to the point right before the second flashback.  Tessa leaves, then the voice over continues like he's talking to himself.

I like that idea, Gary, about Dano making a reveal that he doesn't want to make.  Maybe he wants to tell someone but in the end his hatered for Keith allows him to keep his secret.

Jordan



Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 14
Oney.Mendoza
Posted: January 15th, 2013, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Bay Area, CA
Posts
224
Posts Per Day
0.04
Wow.  Thanks guys for reading.  I wasn't aware this was posted.

Thanks Dirk, glad you liked it.  I was lucky enough to not have a bully but I did infact witness a lot of bullying.  I figured it's something that every single person can relate to in some sense.

Thanks RegularJohn for the read.  I did break it up with a beat just so it wasn't so clunky.  I do like your suggestion breaking it up with action.  Thanks for the advice.


Quoted from Kip

One or two of the sentences read a bit awkwardly for me:

"Keith pushes off the concrete from his bike. He circles Dano. Keith slaps him...again,,,he continuously does this."


Hey Kip!  Thanks for the read buddy.  That's for bringing this up - I just re-read this passage again and totally see what you mean.  Thanks man, appreciate your comments.


Quoted from Nomad

I'd have Tessa present for most of Dano's voice over.  As it is now, the voice over just comes out of nowhere.  If she were there, then he'd be telling her the story.


Hey Jordan.  I actually originally wanted Tessa to hang around a bit longer just because I hate forced VO's (and the fact I thought she was a really fun character) but sometimes VOs are necessary to fill in the gaps, especially for shorts I feel and idk I feel like if Dano said this to her - it's kind of like almost a straight up confession lol.


Quoted from hawkeye

While I really like the concept, I have to wonder why 20 years later Dano would do what he did.


Hey Gary.  Welcome to the board btw - I meant to comment on your thread a few days ago.  I almost had a feeling I might get called out on this lol.  Originally I had some plans for this that were much larger but ultimately it would've been to long for a short, to short for a feature.

It's there, almost a blink and you'll miss it piece of dialogue, but Tessa's brother is being bullied at school.  It would've been revealed that Dano has been having issues with his own son - his son is actually a bully and Dano is seeing a lot of similar situations he endured being bullied himself.  This brings back memories of Keith, etc.  Dano runs into Keith - blah... you get the idea.  Doesn't matter, it's not in the finished product and I totally see your point.

I just didn't want it to get too long for a short.

Thanks for the read man.

Thanks everyone.  I appreciate it.

ONEY


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 14
Oney.Mendoza
Posted: January 16th, 2013, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Bay Area, CA
Posts
224
Posts Per Day
0.04

Quoted from Nomad


I would just move the phone call to the point right before the second flashback.  Tessa leaves, then the voice over continues like he's talking to himself.

I like that idea, Gary, about Dano making a reveal that he doesn't want to make.  Maybe he wants to tell someone but in the end his hatered for Keith allows him to keep his secret.

Jordan



You know what.  I like this as well.  I'm going to play around with this.  Thank you for the suggestion Gary and Jordan.

ONEY


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 14
alffy
Posted: January 16th, 2013, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2339
Posts Per Day
0.53
Hey Oney

I've not read the the other comments so forgive anything already covered.

I'm not a fan of (beat)'s.  I would prefer to see the character doing something between the pauses in dialogue.

The flashback was good but I think the V.O.'s could have been shown.  You could show the Keith bullying Dano and show him being his neighbour too.  I just think the V.O.'s are a bit out of place here.

Again I actually think the ending would have more impact without the V.O.'s.  We would know Dano wants revenge from the previous flashback.

I didn't see the ending coming which was good but I wonder why he left it so long before taking revenge?  Was Keith in jail and I missed it?

These are all minor observations and totally my opinion only but I will say my main issue was with the opening and Tessa.  I don't get why she needs to be there.  I'm guessing it does show that Dano has little time for humor, perhaps beaten out of him by Keith but I think this scene could actually be left out and you would still have the same impact.

Despite my solely negative review, I liked this, even though I know it doesn't sound like I did lol.  


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 14
Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 16th, 2013, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


where's my simply scripts thong?

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2459
Posts Per Day
0.97
Hey Oney,

First question, and a serious one - how do you pronounce your name. Is it one y or ohh ney. Just kidding, who cares, just curious.

Back to script...

"Her" corpse - I can tell this was a chosen phrase, and If you used "the" corpse it would be different, feel different, and I won't tell you which is best, but her corpse did throw me for a second which "the" corpse wouldn't, and would there have been a difference? Who knows. Anyway, a useful debate of the need for choice words, at the right time, especially on the first page! Always be careful not to confuse.

Cut off in conversation. On page two you use - when she stops. I don't really care how you do this, but some like to use... When someone trails off, and - when they are interrupted. Both maybe right, but just passing on what I've learnt.

Brother on bus - be careful not to mix conversations so that we confuse them. I thought she was talking about the body when taking him home! NOTE - this actually had nothing to do with the script, so again be careful adding things that distract.

Good bully scene - I like the dialogue, it works, then I read the "satisfaction of speaking about you" - bit awkward. Minor point. Rest is good.

P6 - here's a thing. It all suggests dano killed him, the way outlined, so was he part of it, let's see...
P8 oh yes he does, bit obvious?? Maybe a little more uncertainty would help. It is more of a consequence script, than a twist. Twists usually are more satisfying.

Last line - sorry didn't work for me. He has closure, he has done something"huge" he has no need anymore to say minor curses. It's his last word, his closure, which is about peace, rather than anger. My view.

Overview

A decent tidy tale, revenge, redemption (sought of). For a short I would question what some of the early scenes with the girl added, yes embellish, yes set the scene, but it started off that we would know more about her at the end than him. Just saying.

All the best.








My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 14
Dreamscale
Posted: January 16th, 2013, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10084
Posts Per Day
2.59
Hey Oney, good job on getting another script up.

I read this and then read all the feedback...all of it!

Gotta say that literally everyone has identified issues and potential problems.  This is all great feedback, and I rarely think or say that.

Bill's last post really brings up some good things to think about, and I'll tell you, I had the exact same thoughts as I read that Bill brought up.

There are actually alot of mistakes and I have to tell you I got a little pissed at some of them, because they're such easy catches if you reread this over several times - I mean, I saw them on 1 quick read and many are blatant.  Sorry to rant...been a frustrating day at work, so maybe that has something to do with it.

I agree that Tessa is completely unnecessary here.  She starts the script off, is onscreen the first 2 minutes, then leaves and that's it for her.  I always try and have "closure" for all my characters, other than inconsequential, secondary characters.

I also didn't really like her dialogue or "character". I'm not saying it's bad, but for me, it also wasn't good.

The V.O. is out of place and for me doesn't work, like others said.  Same with the Flashbacks, really.  I understand that this story relies on them completely, but...I don't know...just didn't work for me.

2 more things - the title - HATE it!  If anything, maybe just "Closure".  And, finally, the name "Dano".  Huh?  Is it pronounced like Daeno or Danno?  Never heard of it and just didn't like it.

But, strangely, over all, I didn't hate this at all.  There's some good writing, some good visuals, some good dialogue, even.  When you really think about this, it's a very sad, ugly tale, with no redeeming qualities.  It's mankind at its ugliest.

Hope this makes sense and helps.  It's a good effort but you've got to edit your work more carefully before you submit.  It makes a big difference in the finished product.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 14
Oney.Mendoza
Posted: January 16th, 2013, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Bay Area, CA
Posts
224
Posts Per Day
0.04
Thanks for the additional reads, guys.

LOL.  My name is pronounced like ohhh ney OR I just tell everyone 'Like Tony, just no T.'  Yeah, I don't know what my parents were thinking either.

Thanks for the review Anthony.  I'm totally not viewing it as negative at all - believe me, your not the only person who has an issue with the VOs.   Thanks again.

Hey Bill, thanks for the read.  MUCH, MUCH thanks on the advice/suggestion on using 'the' vs 'her' corpse.  

Jeffrey.  Ha.  Y'know I WAS so waiting for someone to call me out on all the little mistakes within the script.  Truth is I did actually catch all these - let's, use of 'of' when it should be 'on', idk there's other stuff but anyways... I caught ALL THESE and adjusted them in my screenwriting software but I effing forgot to save over and replace any PDF file I had.  It wasn't until maybe 3-4 days after I submitted that I opened the PDF and discovered what I had done.  Too late. LOL.  

I'm just glad you didn't call me out on any orphans!

Oh, it's Dan-o.  An old friend had that name and everyone thought it was the 'coolest' name.  lol

Thanks guys.

ONEY


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 14
SteveUK
Posted: January 17th, 2013, 10:32am Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
UK
Posts
198
Posts Per Day
0.06
Hey Oney,

I really enjoyed this. Very well written and the dialogue was great, especially in the bullying scenes. As others have mentioned the voice over felt a little forced because he was alone, but I think Nomad made a pretty good suggestion of having Tessa there for the beginning of the V.O. and then leaving before Dano reveals he's the killer.

I second what Bill said about the use of "her corpse". When I first read the line "She applies red lipstick to her corpse". I pictured a zombie girl getting made up haha. I also agree that the last line of dialogue isn't right. After everything that Dano's been through and what he's done, the last line should be something meaningful or impactful instead of a throw-away insult.

Overall though, this was a fine read. Well done.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 14
rc1107
Posted: January 17th, 2013, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1292
Posts Per Day
0.32
Hey Oney.

Saw you've been doing a lot of reading lately and been giving some (what I think) is pretty sound advice, so I thought I'd check this one out when I saw your name on it.

While this was obviously well written (minus the already mentioned typo's) and it was very easy to picture, I wasn't engaged in it as I was hoping to be after reading the logline.

I think it's a very obligatory story, meaning that it went exactly where I knew it was going to go; the obvious flashbacks of bullying, and the predictable twist that Dano was the one who took the bully's life in the first place.  The story didn't bring any excitement or anything new to the table.

To be honest, I was excited when I came across the logline and I thought you might have made this into a torture script, and the ultimate disrespect to the bully would be that he couldn't defend himself against any embarrasing dismemberment or performance that Dano would put on for Keith's funeral.

I remember Bert had a script with very much the same premise as this that he posted quite a long time ago, though for the life of me, I can't remember the title of that one.

So, while this felt expertly written and a very decent setup, the execution and resolution made this one not stand out like it should have.

- Mark


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 14 - 14
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006