Causal by Prahaas Oldman - Short, Comedy, Drama - A boy and a girl talk about their relationship, diving into the deeper providing layers to their conversation and unfolding them towards the end, dramatically and humorously. 22 pages - pdf, format

I spent quite a while writing out notes for the writer before I accidentally deleted the what I had written. I came to the conclusion that there was no point writing it all out anyway as I don't recognize the writer's name. I'll give a more extensive review if they show up on the boards.

In short, I don't like the script. At all. You have two characters rambling on for 22 pages about what seems to be senseless crap. None of what the characters say make sense (let's not mention the awkward aspect to it as well) and the payoff?? She kicks him in the nuts and walks off. Well thank you for that. Now tell me, what was the point of the last 22 pages????? Seriously.

On top of that, the script doesn't appear to have been proof-read. Formatting issues galore. Check the settings on your writing program. If you don't have one get a free screenwriting software. I recommend Trelby. If you're serious about writing, Final Draft is well worth the price.

If there's anything good about this script, it would be the logline. Not because it's enticing in any way but because it's true to its' word. This script is literally two people talking. Nothing else in it.

As well as that, some classic rookie mistakes like no FADE IN and page 1 being numbered.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh. If the writer is around, show up on the boards and I'll go into more detail for you. If you're not, then pay attention to the email that Don sends out REMINDING people that the Discussion Board exists. That email isn't spam. It's actually quite informative.

Again, sorry for being harsh. Unfortunately, there really isn't a lot in this one.

Dan

Prahaas,

Gave this a try, but after the first ten pages I’d reached the same conclusion as Dan -- this is 20 pages (around ten minutes of screen-time at best) of two people talking in circles about some vague philosophy of relationships.  

The dialogue itself feels forced in that you’re using these two characters as vessels to make a point (which was lost on me) rather than let them speak naturally.  You may well have a decent idea buried in here -- work out what it is you want to say and cut it down to the bare bones.

Aside from the dialogue the opening description is overwritten for what is essentially a young couple sitting on a bench as the sun sets...

Given the amount of dialogue you might also want to give this couple names.

Sorry I can’t be more positive on this one but in it's current state it was going nowhere for me.

Steve.

pg 4 It's too artistic for you to
understand.

I think it would read better "It's too abstract for you to understand"
Since the idea of beauty is an abstract idea.

Sorry man, I made it to pg 7 and just had to give up... this is a talking head piece and not a very interesting one at that.

You say the characters are late teens, but they talk like philosophy majors going on and on in some art house cafe. This comes off like you are trying to be too brainy and it's not working for me  I'm afraid.

Some formatting issues, but I'm not the expert on this.

Perhaps trimming down the dialogue, like, by a lot, and adding some blocking in there, some action. This reads like a thesis paper in art class, more than a script IMO.

I'm sure there is a good idea in there, and an interesting point and/or philosophy, but it's buried by unnecessary and relentless banter that takes way too long to get anywhere. As a script I think you should rethink your approach to telling this story and do a rewrite...

Then again maybe it's just me, perhaps this went above my head.

Keep writing, get your ideas out there, best of luck.

Kev.

I got through 2 passages.  Very poorly done, sorry to say.

So many mistakes of every kind.  Spelling, grammar, formatting, technical, sentence structure, OVERWRITING, OVERWRITING, awkward writing, poor writing.

Jump in here, dude and read other scripts.  We're all here to help and you need it.

Wow.  WAY too much dialogue, no action sequences, and the action is actually more flowery description rather actual action.  Like this opening action sequence:

The evening's beautiful, like it always is after a hot
summer day. It displays shades of blue, orange and yellow
accompanied by a little shades of gray.

This is like an opening for a novel rather than a screenplay.  In fact, all of the action (what little there is of it) reads this way.   You could have done your entire action sequence this way.

FADE IN:

EXT.  ROAD - DAY  (Note--you probably could have said EXT. APARTMENT - DAY)

A beautiful summer evening.  Two teenagers, Bill (19) and Susie (17), sit on a bench outside an apartment complex holding hands.

That's pretty much all you need there.  Name your actors and then give them something to do while they're talking so that we don't have so much dialogue to scroll through.

I wish I could say I read it all, but when I saw all the dialogue and read the initial action sequence, I just shut down.

Gary

So, trying to up my script-count on here, and opted to try this one out since it's short and sounds interesting.  

You have a clunky log-line.  It tells us what it is, sure, but where's the excitement or the drama?  Create it, fix it.  Then, it'll be better.

After that, you need to fix the script.  I didn't really enjoy it.  Although I flew through reading this, reading it was a pain.  Grammar, grammar, format, format.  Wow.  You need to fix these.  Both.  Did you use a script-writing software?  If not, I know Celtx is free, you should try it.

And Gosh, man!  Your characters are like robots!  It's like, they're being forced into speaking all this and it doesn't flow and it feels just plain weird.  It just didn't work.  It was very "on the nose", as they say.  I'd consider sitting down, and trying to give each character a more distinct personality.  A step in the right direction.

Also, more action lines.  As a screen-writer, to write a screenplay/piece with all dialogue is easy.  To make it good?  Hard?  To make it amazing?  Very hard.

I wouldn't mind the lack of action, if the actual dialogue were good.  But it lacked, so attempt to fix it.  Say to yourself, "these are real people.  Would a real person speak like this, really?"

Also, you didn't have a "FADE IN:" on the first page.  Big screenwriting no-no.  

I think you have something here.  But at the moment, it's all senseless talking between two nameless and boring characters.  I would consider, if you're serious about it, rewriting it and cutting it down.  Good luck.

-- Curtis