SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 6:04pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Tin Man Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
Googlebot and 10 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Tin Man  (currently 816 views)
Don
Posted: January 15th, 2013, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Tin Man by Nick Schaedel - Short, Drama - A man sifts through the fragments of his marriage in the aftermath of a tragedy. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Kip
Posted: January 16th, 2013, 10:59am Report to Moderator
New


At my signal, unleash Hellboy

Location
St Albans, England
Posts
74
Posts Per Day
0.02
Hi Nick,

Unfortunately, this one didn't quite work for me. That's not to say it won't for others though.

It really should start with a FADE IN on the left hand side, and I'm not sure that starting it with a flashback is the best way to get things going. What was it a flashback from? We haven't been introduced to any characters yet or any locations, so it was hard for me to see why it was included.

Some of the action was perhaps a little overwritten to and could be condensed a tad. Although your descriptions are good and easy to visualise, I had to read the first couple of paragraphs again as you refer to isaac being a teacher, the kids having an instructor, and Em being their teacher. Perhaps it's me, but this just confused me a little.

I thought the dialogue was pretty well written and realistic, but I thought the ending was a bit too abrupt. Perhaps a show of affection between the two on the way home would have rounded it off nicely?

Kip.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
dogglebe
Posted: January 16th, 2013, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I didn't feel for the characters in this script.  And, when you don't feel for the characters, you really don't care what happens to them.  Upon reading the ending, my response was 'ehhhh...'

You need to come up with a little more than what you have.  If you asked to to tell you about Emily and Isaac's personality, I wouldn't be able to answer you.


SPOILER SPACE

Emily is in her early fifties and pregnant?  That's kind of late in her life to have a kid.


Hope this helps.


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006