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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Run For Your Life Moderators: bert
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  Author    Run For Your Life  (currently 7292 views)
Don
Posted: January 28th, 2013, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Run For Your Life by Curtis Rainey (AmbitionIsKey) - Drama - After being framed for murder, a small town girl is forced to flee town with her sick boyfriend who has leukemia. 120 pages - pdf, format


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bert  -  January 29th, 2013, 8:53am
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: January 28th, 2013, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Someone needs to fix the repetition. lol.

I'm going give this a read soon.  

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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DV44
Posted: January 28th, 2013, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Curt,

Good to see the activity from you these past couple of days. Again, welcome aboard!

I will defintely take a look at this and get back to you soon. One thing, right off the bat, the logline needs some help. You could easily condense it down a couple of lines. You have "framed for murder" and "convinced to flee town" in the logline twice. In fact it seems like you've said the the entire logline twice, but you just reworded it.

Get back to you soon.

- Dirk
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: January 28th, 2013, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, oh gosh!  The nerves!  The nerves!  My first attempt at a spec up on a proper screenwriting board.  Wow, it's normal to feel nervous, right?  Lol.

Anyway, thanks Don for getting this up so quick!  I don't know though what happened with the log-line.  I went over it before submitting and I am sure it wasn't all clunky like that, probably an error or something?

Wow.  Okay.  Well, it's up now.  Okay.  I hope people enjoy it, I tried.

EDIT:

Also, thought I'd add this PROMO gfx that I made a while back when writing for this began --




"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

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AmbitionIsKey  -  January 28th, 2013, 7:21pm
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: January 28th, 2013, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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@Gabe -- Thanks Gabe, look forward to your thoughts.

@Dirk -- Thanks, Dirk!  Nervous, though look forward to your thoughts.  I don't know what happened with the log-line, the original log-line I submitted was: "Small town girl Remy, having been framed for a murder, is  convinced to flee town and go on the run with Dylan; her sick boyfriend whom has Leukemia.  Thus beginning a story of love, loss, happiness, but most of all - utter craziness - in this coming of age story."

I dunno how it ended up all cluttered.   Lol.


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

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danbotha
Posted: January 28th, 2013, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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From what I've read so far (about half of page one) this is actually bloody well-written for a beginner writer. Seriously not kidding, mate. The logline needs some help but I'll get to that when I post my detailed review later on in the day.

Dan


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RegularJohn
Posted: January 28th, 2013, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
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It's okay to feel nervous Curt.  Just breathe, haha.

So Dirk already mentioned the logline.  35 words or less and you're in the clear.

You don't want to use "we" in action lines.  "We see" or "we hear" is redundant since it's the things being seen or heard is already on the screen, we already see and/or hear it.

I suggest naming your characters off the bat.  As a matter of fact, I would scrap those first two lines and start right off the bat with Remy.  You want your first page to launch without a moments notice and any roundabout can sort of take away from the impact.

Personally, I really don't see the purpose of using a FOCUS ON in action lines.  If you write it in the action lines, we can see it and if it's something as small as handing holding, I know that you've zoomed our attention on it for a reason.  It's just my opinion but I wouldn't use it as tricks like FOCUS ON sorta take me out of the story and make me realize that I'm reading a script.

So after reading the first page, I see a problem with your writing.  The way you write is really tellling as opposed to showing.  I know that writers like to tell their stories in certain ways but I strongly recommending letting go of things like slow motion.  You also never want to mention "scene" in your action lines.  Focus on the story and making it flow smoothly rather than concerning yourself with how it will be filmed.

SAME TIME should be CONTINUOUS.

Hopefully I'll get to the rest of the script.  Just wanted to drop off a few pointers in the meantime.  The writing is not bad, it just needs to get into the screenwriting groove.  Best of luck Curt.  Definitely not a bad start.


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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: January 28th, 2013, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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@Dan -- Wow, thanks Dan!  It's my first spec attempt, so I am very happy you like what you see so far, wow so nervous, haha!  And thanks I look forward to more thoughts on this!

@John -- I am breathing, I am trying not to be nervous.  I mean, it's normal to feel nervous.  This is my first proper screenwriting thing ever, so.. you get what I mean but I will take the advise and breath.

Okay, I hear you on the "we" stuff.  I think I do this through-out the screenplay, crap!  Okay, I shall take on this advice!

And although I don'y necessarily agree with cutting the first two lines, I get what you mean totally.

Aww, crap.  I didn't know whether "FOCUS ON" and stuff like that was a major no-no in scripts.  It's a bummer to me since I do it a lot throughout the screenplay!  I shall consider this.

Thanks for these pointers!  I am glad the writing isn't bad, and thanks!  Look forward to more thoughts from you and others.


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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RegularJohn
Posted: January 28th, 2013, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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The FOCUS ON isn't a no-no.  You can use it by all means but it's just a preference of mine that a script limit it to an absolute must like any other trick (INTERCUT, POV, B.G.,).  Sometimes people go overboard with it and it just ruins the illusion that the script is trying to build.  Sorry if I made you think it was frowned upon.  It was just an opinion of mine, that's all.

On an unrelated note, I retract my statement about the first two lines.  I would axe the first and last sentence of that passage.


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DV44
Posted: January 28th, 2013, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Of course it's okay to be nervous. it means you care!
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: January 28th, 2013, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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@John -- Oh, well, okay.  I see where you stand, and why some wouldn't be a particular fan of it.  I think if more people comment upon it, and it becomes an issue being brought up, then I might consider revising.

And about fixing the first passage, I think removing the first and last sentences could possibly help.  I think it works fine, but maybe.   Thanks for the input, I appreciate it!

@Dirk -- Well yay, that's good!  Thanks for the confirmation, Dirk.


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

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danbotha
Posted: January 28th, 2013, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Curt,

I got about 12 pages into this one before I put it down. There's no doubt about it... For a beginner writer you're already showing some signs of promise. However, I don't think you're quite there yet. Definitely better than a lot of the crap we get from newbies, but at the end of the day, the writing does affect the read and it's ultimately the reason I put this down.

I think you have a nice little premise going (not that I really got into it) and I'd love to come back here and read the re-write when you do it. With improved writing skills I'd definitely finish it. One of your main concerns should be selling the concept in a way that makes people think "Wow! I've got to read this!". That's where your logline comes in...

At the moment, the logline just doesn't cut it. For starters the last bit of the logline is completely irrelevant... "Thus beginning a story of love, loss, happiness, but most of all - utter craziness - in this coming of age story." - No. We just don't need it. That's the sort of thing you read on the back of a DVD box, not in a logline. No place for it there.

Then there's the way that the logline reads, which is unfortunately rather awkwardly. Try not to mention character's names in a logline, with the exception of characters that you know people are going to recognize (i.e. Batman or Mahatma Gandhi).

Loglines are all about introducing the main premise which you've managed to do, but you've worded it so awkwardly that it took a while to properly understand what you were on about. Here's how I'd rewrite it...

"After being framed for murder, a small town girl is forced to flee town with her sick boyfriend." - Try and include something ironic in there as well. One could argue that the "sick boyfriend" is the ironic factor to the story but I'm not too sure on that.

As I said above, it was essentially the way you write that pulled me out of this one. You fall victim to telling us things rather than showing us. As well as that, you include detail that we really don't need to know about and it gets annoying. Additionally the camera directions and shots are not up to you. That's for the director to decide, not the writer. Your job is to tell the story in a fast way.

At the start of the script, introduce the BOY and GIRL by their proper name. You spend extra space introducing the characters even though they're the same characters-- just referring to them by different names. This adds extra length to your script that you simply don't need. In the long run, that stuff matters. Don't hide the identity of characters unless you absolutely have to.

Page 1: "Earnest to a fault at times." - Stick to things that an audience can see or hear. Describing her personality is redundant. You need to show this in the way she behaves. It's the same with your description of Dylan.

Page 1: "It's only now though, that we realiz this scene is moving at a less fast pace than usual... SLOW MOTION." - First classic rookie mistake from you, here. Don't ever refer to your reader as "we..." -It's redundant. This could easily be written as a small note:

(NOTE: The following scene is in slow motion)

-That's how I'd do it. There will be other writers who have better suggestions.

PAge 1: "THE SCREEN is engulfed in pure WHITE." - A simple "FADE TO WHITE" transition will do the trick over here.

Page 2: "INT. GYM - SAME TIME" - Instead of "SAME TIME" you'd be much better using "CONTINUOUS".

PAge 2: "The gym is packed with teenage school pupils." - Capitalize "Pupils". Even extras are characters and should also be introduced in CAPS.

Page 2: "Boys are in tacky suits for what is blatantly a "007- been-there, done-that" type of prom." - Huh? Is this your way of saying the suit is traditional?? A;ways try and relate to your readers. Write in a way that they can all understand. I honestly have no idea what you're trying to describe here...

Page 2: "Strictly non-alcoholic stuff. Or so the teachers think." - Another thing that the audience can't see. Stick to to main points.

Page 2: "A GIRL stands in a dress by the table." - Just say this instead...

"REMY stands in a dress by the table." - Don't waste time re-introducing a character we have already met. It adds unnecessary length. It's the same with Dylan in the next paragraph.

Page 3: Watch the punctuation at the end of dialogue lines.

Page 4: "Dylan doesn't buy it." - Show us that he doesn't buy it, don't tell us. For example he could raise his eyebrows and roll his eyes. He could snort with sarcastic laughter. Remember you've gotta give the people reading your script something VISUAL. How is an actor supposed to act "He doesn't buy it". It's much easier just to say "Dylan snorts with sarcastic laughter." That way the audience can interpret what he means rather than just have you TELL them.

Page 6: "Dylan is wearing a festive Reindeer sweater, so bad it's almost cute." - Conserver space wherever possible. Above is an example of passive writing. Typically, when the verb ends in "ing" it isn't needed. The above sentenced could be written as this...

"Dylan wears..." - Less writing, same point delivered. In the long run, these things do matter.

Page 7: "Eight-four" - should be "Eighty-four".

Page 8: "He says "Wow" in a way that could only mean "Jesus, that Turkey was disgusting."" - You're telling us too much. You shouldn't have to explain what he means. His dialogue should be enough to hint it.

Page 9: "But then suddenly..." - Don't ever start a sentence with "But...". Not only does it break an English grammar rule, but when it's included in screenwriting it very often very isn't necessary. For example, "But then suddenly..." could easily be written as "Suddenly...". Keep it short and sweet.

Page 9: "REMY and DYLAN are sitting in a living room." - Passive. Try this...

"Remy and Dylan sit on a large sofa."

-Additionally, don't re-state information that is already provided in the slug. For example, your slug tells us that we're in the living room so is there really a need to repeat it in the narrative? It may seem like a pathetic nit-pick at the moment, but this is the sort of thing that screenplay analysts pick up on and they will mark you down on it.

- Double additionally, why do you CAP characters every now and then but then not on other occasions? Characters only need to be in CAPS once... and that is when they are introduced for the first time. Never again.

Page 10: "It's faker than a Pam Anderson boob-job." - I got a good chuckle from this. You're very good at setting the tone with your writing. It's very entertaining. Just a quick tip with this, though. Consider the intended mood of the entire script. While writing jokes in the narrative isn't a BAD thing, I urge you to be cautious. This kind of writing is usually more partial to comedy screenplays than it is for Drama. With writing Drama, you want people to remember your Dramatic moments, not the time where you made a boob-job in the narrative. Using comedic writing a Drama script sets up a false tone. We get more of a comedic tone from the writing then a tone of depression and desperation. Tone is important. Does that make sense or are you scratching your head? Don't be afraid to ask to explain further.

After that, I was out. The scene with Tori in the restaurant felt more like a comedy scene. No, I'm not a sick bastard who gets thrills outta watching people get dumped on their birthdays... Seriously I'm not, you've just written it in a melodramatic way which had me giggling. Whenever someone uses the word "storms" I always get this image of what a small toddler might do when they don't get their way. It completely ruins the mood. Sorry.

Look this isn't bad. You've got a nice little idea. The dialogue needs a quick touch-up in places but overall it seems solid. I'm increasingly impressed that you're only a beginner writer. While it's still riddled with issues, you have done yourself a very good job. Fix those issues, get this one re-written and then email me and tell me it's done. I WANT to finish this... Just the writing gets in the way.

Congrats on finishing a feature-length by yourself. It's something I've yet to do by myself and I applaud you (clap-clap).

Good job. Looking forward to seeing more of your work.

Dan


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bert
Posted: January 28th, 2013, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AmbitionIsKey
I don't know though what happened with the log-line.  I went over it before submitting and I am sure it wasn't all clunky like that, probably an error or something?


Yeah, that is pretty awful.

Welcome to the boards -- nice to see new guys getting involved.

As such, please PM me what you want the logline to actually say and I will fix it up for you.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Gary in Houston
Posted: January 29th, 2013, 12:08am Report to Moderator
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Query: is this supposed to be a drama or a comedy?  Because I read the first seven pages and it reads very much like it wants to be a comedy as opposed to a drama.

I will read some more later and give my thoughts later.  One brief note:  You reference the Grinch and Jim "Carey".  It's actually Jim Carrey.  That's a stupid nitpick.

Your writing style is interesting and very mature for someone just starting out.  I'll be interested in reading more!

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: January 29th, 2013, 8:13am Report to Moderator
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@Dan -- I am glad you got that far in, and happy you understood I am a beginner to spec-writing.   I am taking all your comments on board, and will begin rewriting right away, 'cause I agree with nearly everything you said in your review.  Thanks so much, REALLY appreciated!

@Hawkeye -- the genre is "DRAMEDY", the screenplay contains a blend of drama and comedy.  And I'll be sure to fix the mispelled surname when I get home. Jim would not approve!  Haha.

And happy to see what you think of it!  I am glad everyone's not tearing it too shreds at least

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

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