SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 18th, 2024, 9:57pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Dead Evolution Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 5 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Dead Evolution  (currently 1824 views)
Don
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16369
Posts Per Day
1.94
Dead Evolution by Stuart Mower (scmower) - Horror - Ten years after a viral plague cause the dead to rise survivors on the outskirts of London discover a new danger has appeared more formidable than the Undead. 105 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Irishstu
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Norn Iron
Posts
13
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hi Stuart

Sounds interesting. I will give this a read tonight and get back with some feedback.

Had a quick glance at the first few pages.

On page 1...they start to move.

Should this not be....She starts to move...?

Also I would turn off the (CONTINUED) at the top and bottom of the pages, no need for them.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 8
scmower
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Stirling, Scotland.
Posts
72
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hi, thanks for taking your time to look at my script. That bit you pointed out was deliberate. I was meaning her eyes move, maybe I could have written it differently. I just didn't want 2 sentences next to each other like 'the eyes A. The eyes then B.' Maybe that coul have worked.

Also I've turned 'continue' off my software. I've generally never really bothered about it, I thought it was just personal preference or something. But I googled it and apparently it should only be in shooting scripts. So yeah, it's off. Might take a while to update though.


Scripts on this site:
The Black Dog (Short/Horror)
Howl (Short/Horror/Thriller)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 8
Dreamscale
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Stuart, you've got multiple mistakes in your logline and I know from experience that if someone can't write a single sentence correctly, they're definitely not going to be able to write a script properly.

I know that sounds very harsh, but it's the cold reality.  You've got to check and edit your work and act like you both care and are proud of what you're presenting.  Blatant, glaring mistakes are not the way to show us anything other than laziness.

Best of luck.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 3 - 8
scmower
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Stirling, Scotland.
Posts
72
Posts Per Day
0.01
My keyboard is broken and I'm using an external one that has a dodgy 'd'. If you want specifics the script was written over the summer, keyboard went crappy over Christmas. Must have missed it while entering the logline but I'm still getting used to checking to make sure my goddamn 's' and 'd' still work. I'll give you that a comma could probably have been used after rise, but I'm not sweating that too much.

I'd be happy to prove you wrong about writing a script correctly but I know this has those 'continued' things that really annoy you (which I always just assumed was personal taste and they didn't/still don't bother me as my above post points out) so that's gonna lose me points as well.

Read if you will or back out now. The choice is up to you. Thanks for at least looking at the logline.


Scripts on this site:
The Black Dog (Short/Horror)
Howl (Short/Horror/Thriller)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 8
RegularJohn
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
New


Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

Posts
276
Posts Per Day
0.07
Hey Stuart.

Sucks about your keyboard.  I'll cut some slack on the grammar.

You're going way overboard with the description.  Just stick to the story.  I don't care about the starless sky or what parts of the female corpse are missing unless it's important.  It surprises me how little action there is since action lines are pretty much all you have in these first pages.  You're writing a novel as opposed to a script.

Sorry if I came across as harsh.  Best of luck.

Johnny


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 8
scmower
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Stirling, Scotland.
Posts
72
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey, no that's fine. It's pretty valid now that I think of it. There is quite a lot of detail at the start I could probably trim down. I started writing this as an assignment at university and was ll like 'DESCRIPTION BABEH'. There used to be more, cause an earlier draft of the script had the world be permanent night due to radiation. I think I go overboard a bit trying to set up the world and everything in it, which might be for myself, trying to get into the mindset, but you're right it could probably be trimmed.

Cheers.


Scripts on this site:
The Black Dog (Short/Horror)
Howl (Short/Horror/Thriller)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 8
vancety
Posted: February 6th, 2013, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
64
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hi Stuart,

Read the script. I liked the story. But there are a few problems:

(1)
There is not enough action in the beginning.

(2)
I'm also not convinced how 'the living' can finally win their battle against ‘the living dead’.  And even if they dispose of all the living dead,  are there enough (healthy) humans left to sustain the human race.

If you can’t beat them, cure them? Maybe there is someone who gets bitten but does not turn because of his special blood group. His blood caries the cure, turning the living dead (that still have enough quality of live – all their limbs) in to the living. Yes, I know, it's not very original but it is a something.

(3)
Go over all of your sluglines again.

(4)
Furthermore there are a lot of spelling errors, left out words, double words, incorrect sentences etc. It needs a good proofread by someone who is not Dutch, like me.

With regards,

Rutger
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 8
Lon
Posted: February 7th, 2013, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Louisville
Posts
403
Posts Per Day
0.06
Just a quick note.

Whatever location your present in a logline, that's what should be described immediately after.  For instance, your first slug is EXT. ROAD.  But rather than describe the road first, you instead first describe the lands it's on.  Putting the cart before the horse, in a way.  Try --

EXT. WASTELAND - DAY

Barren land.  A two-lane stretch of sun-baked asphalt.  A fallen, dust-covered
road sign reads "LONDON - 20 mi."  

Paints the same picture, but in less space and more clearly.  A quick question, though, and pardon if I'm off-base -- but England uses the metric system, yes?  Shouldn't that read "km" rather than "miles?"  Maybe it's always been miles, I dunno.  Never been to England.

At any rate, point is, strive for clarity in your descriptions above all else.  As written, it reads like prose, not a script.  Give us a general picture, maybe point out one or two specific detailes to give it some personality.  This isn't a painting, it's a screenplay.  Story is what matters, not how much grass is on the side of the road.

I wish I could give you more feedback, but honestly, I've read so damn many spec zombie scripts over the last ten years that if I see one more, I'll punch a hole in the wall lol

Nevertheless, best of luck, and keep writing.

- Lon
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 8
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Horror Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006