Ugly Girl by Kevin Albers - Short, Drama - A producer of a popular reality show, “Mega Makeover”, needs to make the show as entertaining as possible, but learns there is a cost to her ambitions. - pdf, format

Hey Kev, nice little short you have here.  Well laid out, easy pacing, good movement from scene to scene.  I thought the dialogue was well-written, concise, believable.

I thought this was a good story, but I will say I was a little disappointed in the ending.  I just didn't buy in to the fact that the sister would do what she did.  I mean, a great majority of the people who do that have dealt with depression or anger or some other symptom for years.  It appears that the sister goes home and does what she does the same day without really processing anything.  I know you're going for the dramatic twist at the end, but I need to be sold on why it would be believable.

That being said, still a solid piece of writing.  There were some places that I had minor quibbles, such as no FADE IN to begin with (you use a FADE OUT at the end, so I just think you'd want to be consistent).

I noticed you didn't give Dana or Laurence full names but you gave everyone a full name.  I don't know if that was intentional or just an oversight.  I don't know that it's necessary, but again, I'm just looking at consistency here.

Page 2:  "She’s been dieing to get on this show forever."  s/b 'dying"

There are a couple of places where you combine two complete sentences into one sentence and separate them with a comma.  For example:

Page 2: You can come out of that shell of yours, lets have a look at you.

Page 3: You have a voice, what a darling voice too.   You might write this instead as "You have a voice!  What a darling voice too!"  Or if you wanted to keep it at one sentence, insert an "and" between the complete phrases.

I think it's probably okay to do that with the action sequences, but with dialogue, it makes a difference because of the way the actors would speak the lines.  Again, not a big deal, but just something to keep an eye out for as you're writing.

Good job!
Gary

Hey Gary,

Thanks for the read... it's always nerve-racking when putting something out there.

This is based on a true story, the sister committed suicide, after being prodded to express her embarrassment about her sister, then the girl was dumped due to time slot conflicts. That being said: I totally see how this can come off as unbelievable... this was a hard one to cram in to a short, and was a piece I want to turn into a feature, where we can get further into the characters psyche... so this was a tricky one, and perhaps I was not able to pull off the ending all that well. Also I would need to do more research on the case, but I took the idea and tried it out as a short.

Again thanks for the read, and thanks for pointing out the grammar issues. I tried hard this time to go over it and proof read, but I knew I was probably going to miss some of this stuff, poor grammar and spelling is an affliction of mine, that I hope to conquer one day.

Oh... I knew, someone was going to point out the Fade In, I wanted to jump right into the scene so did not write fade in, it contrasts the fade out in the end. But if there is another way to write "just jump right in" to the scene, that is the counter to  "FADE IN" I haven't seen it, so I just chose to leave it out.

As for the names, you're right... I think I don't need Mike's last name in there, but the family I felt needed one because they are a family unit and Dana says their last name.

Thanks again!!

and as always, thanks to Don for posting.

Everyone on here has helped me so much, so my very best wishes to all of you!
-Kev

@KAlbers

I don't do "spoilers," with that said...

By page #10, the word "predictable" was running through my mind until-- you twisted things on us, which I didn't see coming, and now - as I sit here and write this and reflect, I should have.   So good on you.

Yeah, a lot of shows like this will do almost anything for ratings, yes, it's the nature of beast, but still... and after the ending, it was even more of a shocker that Dana, of all people would do it.

But as you said, it's based on a true story.

And this is true as well -- if you're thinking about trying to turn this into a feature, you're going to need a lot more meat and potatos.  

I don't like to re-hash the grammer, but I had no problems with your writing.  It was good, nothing tripped me up, and a fast read for sixteen pages.

Having said that, I didn't jump for joy, but it was a very solid piece of work, for sure.

Good Luck

Ghostie

Ghostie,

Thanks for the read!!

Quoted from _ghostwriter By page #10, the word "predictable" was running through my mind until-- you twisted things on us, which I didn't see coming, and now - as I sit here and write this and reflect, I should have.   So good on you.

I tried to put two elements in the end, one more obvious than the other. But I'm glad it had a bit of a twist.

If I were to attempt a feature with this, it would need much more I agree of course. But I see a kind of redemption type story here... perhaps along the lines of "The Fisher King", a movie I am a big fan of.  But I would need to do lots of research and what-have-you, but I do see the potential, this would be the premises/setup, but now I would need to think of the story.  That being said I probably wouldn't get to it for a long while.

Thanks again for the comments and your time.

Best,
Kev

Hey Kev,

I noticed some nifty reviews over here.
So, I decided to crack this open to see what's what.
I didn't intend to read all of it... but I did.
So kudos to you on the script.

Honestly, I skimmed the prose and read through the dialogue.
Your action descriptions are decent, but a little wordy at times.
Being so specific with character blocking should be sparse.
Still, the dialogue moved pretty well and kept me turning pages.

The twist... Feels more like a left turn than an ending.
That being said, I did like who's actually the ugliest girl of all in your tale.
Solid work, my friend.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

I read this earlier, and only finding time now to leave my thoughts

I like scripts like this.  I'm a teenager, so I relate to topics likes these, and I enjoy writing about such topics also.  I think you handled the story well.  I liked you're characters.  I think though, it could have packed a bigger punch.  When the mother speaks about her daughter, she could have been meaner, and when the sister talks it could have been meaner also, just to pack a bigger wallop at the end of it.

The actual ending, I dunno, it didn't really feel like an ending.  I enjoyed it a lot, like it was shocking and a nice twist to the story, but it didn't really make me feel satisfied walking away from a short with a topic such as insecurity and suicide.

I noticed you said "dieing" which should be "dying."  I enjoyed this though, crisp writing.  I personally had no problems, pitchy fast pacing, it didn't feel like that many pages.  And I liked the message, and the title, and what we learn at the end.  Great read.  Well done

-- Curt

@ E.D. - Thanks for the read and the comments!! I think one of the best compliments any writer could get is that it kept the reader's attention and kept them reading So thank you.

@Curt - Thank you for reading and comments!! I have the same thoughts on what you said about the mother and sister not being harsh enough, so thank you for confirming that... I think I will rework their interview dialogue, I think I'll concentrate more on the sister's words though.

Thanks again all!!

Best,
Kev

Hey Kev

Don't date your scripts, they get old fast!

No FADE IN

No descriptions for your characters.

She’s been
dieing to get on this show forever. .. dying

Page 4

Mike nodes... Mike nods

. Ten sperate,
extensive surgeries.... separate

Page 5

Trisha is on set, she gets makeup put on by the MAKEUP GIRL.
A CAMERA MAN fiddles with lights, then goes behind the
camera... kind of stating the obvious here Kev.

Trisha has her makeup applied, as the CAMERA MAN sets up.

page 6

what it is... You have a boyfriend?... capital letters don't follow an ellipsis

CAMERA MAN
Rolls... I don't think the camera man actually says Rolls

page 11

MIKE
They’re quite now, and they didn’t
want anything... quiet


DANA (CONT’D)
(into phone)
Hi Al, what’s the consensus...
(beat)(raising an eyebrow)
You’re joking?...
(beat)(looks anxious)
That’ll take us into the off
season... shit, alright, thank you... it's my own personal thing, but I hate beat! You could be more expressive.

Hey Kev... I hate these type of shows, but you presented the behind the scenes and the producers job quite well.

I like how you twisted the suicide, I obviously thought it was gabby at first and you made your characters stand out.

Nice job with the dialogue and overall script

Mark

Quoted from irish eyes CAMERA MAN Rolls... I don't think the camera man actually says Rolls

I know some that do, the lazy bastards can't say "Rolling" lol, which is why I liked the "Rolls" it's not the typical "Rolling"

Quoted Text Trisha has her makeup applied, as the CAMERA MAN sets up.

Since there is a Makeup Girl, I needed to introduce her, adds to the realism of the scene - behind the camera stuff. However I didn't give them ages, I probably should though.

Quoted Text No descriptions for your characters.

I don't like to box in my character with descriptions, I'm sure your imagination filled in the blanks. I do describe Laurence but that's only because he is more a "Characture" than the others.

Thanks Mark for the read and comments, they are exactly what I need.

Much appreciate it

Best,
Kev

Kevin

I found it hard to get to grips with this one as it gradually took form but by the end I was engaged with the story to a point and can appreciate what you tried to achieve.

I kind of reminded me of Magnolia with the gifted kid being forced to continue with the quiz show by his pushy, pressurising father even though he’s dying for a piss! Also, the ready compliance of Gabby’s relatives to play along in order to please Dana and get their kid on TV recalled those cringe worthy scenes in Bruno.

You certainly don’t pull any punches on the TV industry here and the cruel, heartless souls that operate it, a scathing indictment of all image, all monetary, zero substance, zero credibility culture with Laurance in particular coming off as a real basta?d.

So while I responded to the essence of the story, the world in which it takes place I felt you were a bit heavy handed in its message. The “lesson” or “moral” of the piece is signposted in block capitals well in advance as we’re constantly reminded of whose good and whose bad and who gets stuck in the middle and ultimately suffers. This overwrought hammering home of the key themes is even reflected in the title, which I think should be changed as you leave no room for interpretation, it’s quite blunt, to the point and lacking any subtext.

The closing line of Dana clutching her kids tightly in light of the terrible news is another example of over egging the moral implications. Just out of curiosity, are you expecting us to sympathise with Dana in relation to these events? Was she like a lower ranking member of the Nazi party, just “following orders”?

Could you see about changing the final revelation to something with a little less shock-factor. This might sound like nonsense but it feels like you are wantonly trying to evoke an emotional response from the reader with this bombshell but more importantly it’s predictable and cliché. Perhaps you have a confrontation between Dana and Gabby, they argue, things escalate then take it from there, immerse us in the drama, build us to a conclusion rather than conveying it through dialogue as it flattens the impact.

I’m probably sounding like I didn’t like this at all which is not true, I do believe you’ve got a decent concept here. Following the exploits of a TV exec as she juggles her family life as a (seemingly) single mother with navigating through a high pressured profession that demands critical decision making. A job where you got to grovel to a?sholes, compromise your being, manipulate people yet possibly offer them happiness.

There is inherent conflict here to be explored, lots of potential that could warrant a feature, just see about constructing the story in a more subtle way, blur the lines a little.

Keep at it.

Col.

Hey Col,

Thanks for read and great comments.

Dana's character is caught in the middle and in a sense she had lost her way. I was not trying make Dana's character a bad person, she herself has a child with a physical abnormality (the birthmark that covers half her face). In fact partly why her character is passionate about a makeover like show is because of this. But she and other more disconnected individuals (Laurence) has mislead her down a path that ultimately lead her to taking it too far. There is a parallel between her own daughters and Gabby and her sister which is why she holds on to them.

I get what you're saying about the heavy handedness, I agree. That is the challenge of trying not to write too long. This kind of story does need more time to it which is why I think it has a chance as a feature. Being that this is loosely based on true events there is a lot more that could be explored here.

Really what I was trying to go for, and perhaps I was not successful in this short, was not that reality show's and tv personnel are bad/evil but that we make mistakes in the pursuit of our ambitions, not just Dana's, but Gabby's family too, they so wanted it that their entire world evolved  around it. Why do we put ourselves in these situations?

Anyway thank you so much for reading and giving me your insight it is very helpful. I'm glad you liked it somewhat.

Cheers,
Kev.

Quoted from KAlbers Hey Col, Thanks for read and great comments. Dana's character is caught in the middle and in a sense she had lost her way. I was not trying make Dana's character a bad person, she herself has a child with a physical abnormality (the birthmark that covers half her face). In fact partly why her character is passionate about a makeover like show is because of this. But she and other more disconnected individuals (Laurence) has mislead her down a path that ultimately lead her to taking it too far. There is a parallel between her own daughters and Gabby and her sister which is why she holds on to them. I get what you're saying about the heavy handedness, I agree. That is the challenge of trying not to write too long. This kind of story does need more time to it which is why I think it has a chance as a feature. Being that this is loosely based on true events there is a lot more that could be explored here. Really what I was trying to go for, and perhaps I was not successful in this short, was not that reality show's and tv personnel are bad/evil but that we make mistakes in the pursuit of our ambitions, not just Dana's, but Gabby's family too, they so wanted it that their entire world evolved  around it. Why do we put ourselves in these situations? Anyway thank you so much for reading and giving me your insight it is very helpful. I'm glad you liked it somewhat. Cheers, Kev.

-I had actually forgotten about the birth mark on Dana child's face and again, is this perhaps too on the nose, too obvious and overtly stated?
Mother with disfigured child works on show where they turn ugly ducklings into beautiful swans…how ironic!

However, just to reiterate, you got great material here and the fact that you have these tie ins, set ups and pay off (however overcooked I may think they are) prove that you are on the right track and thinking about conveying a story in an interesting manner with all these little asides on top of a strong central motif. That's the most important and encouraging thing.

Hey Kevin,

Gave this one a look - I actually really enjoyed it and liked how you portrayed the television industry. It really is a cutthroat business and that Laurence was a right douche.

It all played out very well and the ending didn't disappoint showing Dana's own troubles with her daughter. I think that Dana could have had more of a reaction on camera to Trisha and Alex's comments about Gabby. Not much, just a hint that she was uncomfortable with it because it's something she also struggles with.

Would it have had more of an impact if it was Gabby who committed suicide at the end? Maybe. The comments that Trisha and Alex made were due to Dana's suggestion or request and this has cost a girl who struggled with her disfigured appearance her life. This would very much keep in with Dana's own daughter who will suffer this affliction and torment as she gets older.

The writing was a little clumsy at times - one time I was really confused  about where the characters were but I got there in the end. Just need to be a little clearer with your character movements at times. Also watch out for those pesky typos as there were quite a few.

But on the whole, this is a solid script and I enjoyed it.

Good work.

Steve

Hey Steve,

Thanks for the read and for commenting. Sorry I tripped you up with some clumsy blocking. I'll look over it and try to correct it, once I get around to the rewrite.

I'm happy you enjoyed it though.

Best,
Kev