Am I A Bad Person? by Prahaas Oldman - Short, Drama - A boy and a girl fall in love in the virtual environment of online chats. After three years of 'blind' but not 'dumb' love, they finally decide to meet and reveal themselves to each other. Pages ( - pdf, format

We need some real names for the characters.  With such characters as “The Girl,” “The Girl 2,” and “The Guy,” it’s impossible to enjoy any single one of them.  The dialogue is way too on the nose.  I think if you had to use a script to define ‘on the nose,’ this would be it.  The dialogue feels like it’s more of your opinion and you’re just using these paper thin characters to express it.  There’s no slang, no nothing.  It seems too ‘proper’ the way they talk, and its distracting and almost cringing.  You describe the girl as a hot smoking broad but when its time to see this guy she’s been talking to for 3 years on the net. . . you give him no description. . . just “The Guy.”  This girl has been interacting with this dude for 3 years on the net, fallen for him, all that lovey dovey stuff, and when she finally meets him -- she’s turned off by his appearance.  But why?  What does he look like?  Is he fat when he pretended to be athletic?  Is he fugly when he pretended to be Ryan Gosling’s twin?  Is he short when he pretended to be tall and strapping?  Is he a nerdy-looking dweeb when he pretended to be a jock?  Stuff like that.  It could have been so much more fun.  You definitely could have played with this a bit more.  My suggestions:  rename the characters, give better character descriptions, work on your dialogue, and read up on some blind date disaster stories for inspiration and funny ideas.

I'm guessing that English isn't your primary language.

I understand the overall meaning of your script, but it's written very mechanically.  

There's no believable emotion in any of your characters.  There is no subtext in your dialogue.

I like the fact that we never see, The Guy's, face.  

You need to give characters names.  Guy, Girl 1, and Girl 2, are horrible and add to the overall cold nature of the script.

It's a little unbelievable that someone would go 3 years without even seeing a picture of the person they love.

Quoted from Guest We need some real names for the characters.

I suggest Manti Te'o and Ronaiah Tuiasosopo.

Dear Prahaas,

First I must congradualte you for using the New Spec Style Of Tomorrow in your script.
Underlining your scene headings at every scene. You are the first writer I have came in contact and have seen on Simply Scripts using the New Spec Style of tomorrow.

Firstly, Everytime the Girl says in her mind, Am I bad person. Change her words into a (V.O.) instead of (O.S.) because she is talking in her mind.

Now in your story The Girl is the main character. The Girl finishes her make-up in the mirror. Girl 2 asks her: If you've been talking to this guy online for three whole entire years, and have never laid precious eyes on him ever before,  How can you be in love with him?

The Girl replies, Hey, we talked. And when you talk to a person you come to know a lot about him, He's mature, wise and supportive. He has stood by my side in the most difficult times and I just fell for him, and now, tonight the time has come for us to meet at the most elegant restaurant in town.

When the two finally meet. I must by all means ask, If you don't mind.
I realise that they have talked for over three years online without seeing each other never before. Isn't that very very harsh and rude of her, not even smiling a fake friendly greeting when they met for the first time?

What I am saying here is that she was so rude at the one-half split of a second, when she first laid eye's on him while he reach his hand out to her while she was sitting.

And while they were eating dinner, She was so uneasy and uncomfortable and unhappy, until he even noticed it. That's why he asked her politely, Am I making you unhappy about being here. After he asked her that question, she made up an excuse about going to the restroom. And once she left going to the restroom, She left out of the building and down the road talking to herself in her mind, and saying, I am much better looking to deserve someone like him, Once he realises that I have left he will know that I am gone, and that he will never return to that restaurant or this town never again in his lifetime -- then she keeps repeating to herself over and over Am I A Bad Person-- Am I A Bad Person -- Am I A Bad Person.

My final judgement on this story is, The Girl could have a mental brain disorder or a half of a heart. And to finish and sum it all up. What a cold - hearted way to treat all laptop and desktop online computer purchasers.

I like your story, and I have to add that it is so sad.

Darryl