Lucky Winner by Michael Sheerin (Jabtooth) - Short, Comedy - A dysfunctional couple is rocked by the appearance of two TV hosts and a novelty check.  14 pages - pdf, format

This is a funny one, however, the formatting and the descriptions/actions get in the way.  The twist is confusing.  I had to re-read some of it, before I understood what you were getting at.  Maybe some tightening up on a few things and some proper formatting, this could be a nice short.

@jabtooth

Well -- congrats on having this one made.

Ghostie

Michael, watched this on YouTube last night--was a well-produced short.  Congrats on this!

Gary

Hey Michael. What did you post this on here for? It's for unproduced scripts, not scripts that were produced like, a year ago.

Film's okay, the script isn't.

Good luck with it.

Quoted from Forgive Hey Michael. What did you post this on here for? It's for unproduced scripts, not scripts that were produced like, a year ago. Film's okay, the script isn't. Good luck with it.

I'm sorry, I had seen other threads on here where produced films were posted along with scripts, so I didn't think I'd be stepping on any toes by posting it.

Even though it's been produced I would still love feedback on it. I think it captures my voice as a writer better than the other scripts I've written, which is why I posted it here.

I'm glad you liked the film, and I would really love to hear why the script isn't okay in your eyes. Unless you just think it sucks, which by all means you can tell me if you do. I can take it  

EDIT: I'll remove the link from this thread and make a thread for it over in the "Getting to know you" section. I would still love feedback on the script though if you've got a minute.

Hey guys and girls. This is my first ever produced short, called "Lucky Winner."



I have a thread for the script over in the shorts section if you'd like to check it out.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1359756544/


Otherwise, I'd love to hear your thoughts on the film itself.


Thanks so much for your time!  

I haven't read the script.
The film was o.k. but they should have picked a day when the wind wasn't blowing because that was distracting.  Acting was o.k., a little over the top, but o.k.

The best part was when SAM realized it was her and she turned around and flipped him off when she said his name, DANIEL.  That was funny.

Always good to see your stuff on film.  Congrats on that.  I still might glance at the script to see how it matched the film.

Hey Jab. Okay - it's not trouser-scratchingly back, but there are some issues.

Firstly, on the subject of story - it could do with belonging to someone, and it never really does. There's a bit of a lack of a protag. We begin with the film crew, and certainly in the film, they are in the credits, so the impression is that they'll have quite some of our focus. This clearly isn't true, as they become quite peripheral, but it's not a major gripe.

First sentence is a bit of an eye-sore as Rupert's name is spliced into the sentence and misses out on CAPS and Kerry, who gets the CAPS is introduced in the same sentence as is the location and the house so it all makes for a very long sentence which could easily have been broken up into something a little more maneagble.

Sometimes it's good to break description lines up, and when you intro Phil, this is a good opportunity, as he's not standing next to/with Rupert and Kerry.

'...after a moment, motion can be heard inside. Rupert motions towards...'
There's a lot of similar words being used here. Rupert motioned Kerry a couple of lines ago, and then we have: moment, motion, motions. It's sometimes good to go for a variety of words. But also, things like 'a motion can be heard' ring odd: A noise can be heard; a motion would only be heard if it made a noise - so a noise would be heard.

'She is wearing a men's button down shirt... '

'... runs into the interior of the house ...'
Is the same as 'runs into the house', and following 'house ...' is either a period or an 'and'.

So there's nothing too major, but there are a number of minors, which whilst obviously not preventing it from being made into a film, are gradually detrimental to the script.