Who is Abe Jones? by Richard Longhorn (Abeoldieboy) - Short, Drama - A struggling singer-songwriter finds out that the music business isn't all that it is cracked up to be. 12 pages - pdf, format

Richard,

I enjoyed this. It could use some work, but I liked it nonetheless. You could probably trim a few pages off, though-- the dialogue scenes (especially the beginning) could be condensed.

It just seemed like they (the dialogue scenes) went on and on. I think a big reason is the amount of conflict. There just wasn't enough tension or conflict to keep me interested.

The story was good, though, and that did keep my interest. Not that it's entirely original, but I liked the way you told it here.

I do think you had a lot of scenes that could almost be cut completely-- like the opening. All you establish there is, he's having trouble getting a music career. This scene went on for multiple pages, when the info you gave us could be established in just a few lines of dialogue.

Writing's good, though a bit clunky in places. Like page 5, where you start 4 sentences on a row with "he". Doesn't read well when you use it over and over, and you did use it a lot here.

Pg. 5: he "lies" back. Not "lays". Object lay, people lie.

As for the ending... I dunno. It just ended. I was hoping for some sort of payoff-- some kind of resolution or punchline or something... and I thought this sort of fizzled out.

Still an interesting read, IMO. Good job.

Will

Hey Richard,

Overall I thought the story was pretty interesting. I agree with Will that the script could definitely be trimmed in a lot of places. Firstly you could probably trim the record executive scene down to about 1 page and get the same effect. Also the dialogue with Martin could be cut down a lot; just cut everything out that doesn’t progress the story and it will read a lot smoother.

I liked the characters and I thought the dialogue was pretty well done, however the tone seemed inconsistent to me. It goes from straight comedy in the beginning, satirizing the “big wig” record executive, into a very violent scene of Abe destroying the bathroom. Then from there it goes to a graphic scene of hardcore drug use, followed by a much lighter scene with Martin. I think the darkness of certain scenes kind of swallow up all of the light comedy (particularly Captain jack scene) that could actually get some laughs if left unhindered.

I also didn’t particularly care for the ending. Something needs to happen! There wasn’t any real type of resolution. It just left me wondering, what was the point of this?

I think if you give it a rewrite and tighten it all up you could piece together a better ending.

Good luck. Keep on writing.

-Colin

Hey Rich - great to see another script up of yours - I've read this before - can't remember if it was off the boards or if this is a re-write?

I have to disagree with the postings above on a couple of things. I'm pretty sure you've focused on trimming quite a lot here as this looks different to other scripts of yours that I've read.

Opening visual, I just think needs a little more description, just to seat the reader into the script - I liked the dialogue, but it felt a little bit 'where is this coming from' because I didn't feel totally located - maybe just describe the location and characters a little more.

On the dialogue - I thought it was pretty good over all. There's the best part of three pages of it so it might work to break some of it up now and again, with a little telling detail. My only other gripe is the the dialogue sounded a little like it was -- once voice. Great dialogue often sounds like it's coming from two different people, and while I liked it, I didn't always get the feel that it was totally different guys speaking -- I think you've nailed the tone very well, it's just a case of now having two separate ones going.

The story - I liked. It was a strange mix - whimsical one minute, heavier the next. I like how you've gone from the injecting drug user to the fighting mascots - a weird but kind of fun bounce between almost extremes, but never quite. Also had a gentle humor to it which I liked. I think there's some good visual elements here, and some character to the feel of the whole thing.

A tad offbeat, but it rang for me. Good stuff.

Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate all of it.

As for the ending... I was debating on whether I should expand the script into a feature so I just ended it right there.

Just read this. The concept is interesting to me and certainly a good one to explore on a personal level like this. I definitely like the idea of expanding it into a feature. A story like this has to be very character driven, and that is very difficult to pull off in 12 brief pages.

The script as it stands, in my opinion, still needs a lot of work.  

The descriptions were very minimal, which is typically a good thing, but in the case of such a short story, you have to use the descriptions to set the tone very quickly. Everything was just really bland and I got absolutely no "feeling" from your descriptions at all. For lack of a better example, it's like a movie with poor cinematography/lighting. It doesn't matter how good the concept/writing is, or even the acting, if it isn't displayed well in all aspects, the whole thing generally suffers or even falls apart.

The same thing can be said of the dialogue. The characters here are just really bland. I think Abe has the potential to be very interesting, but as it stands, he just has no personality.

I apologize if I seem a little harsh. This is all my opinion. Furthermore, you seem like a competent writer with a grasp on the fundamentals of script writing. My advice, for what it's worth, is to use the description space and dialogue more to your advantage. Screenwriting is very mechanical/technical and you certainly aren't writing a novel, but that doesn't mean you can't have a little fun.

Cheers