Farwell by James Stampp - Short, Comedy - Mr. Farwell wakes up in a hospital. - pdf, format

James,

Not sure if you will be around or not, but gave this a read.  I started to take notes, but immediately stopped due to all the camera directions and lack of time element in the first slug.
If you show up on the boards, I'll give you my thoughts on this.  Plus, quid pro quo is how it is here.  Read other scripts and review other's work to get more for yours.

Well, what Jeremiah said.

And this to me, well, it was bizarre.  And I read the entire thing.  I still don't know what I read.  I mean, it's okay to be different and unique, but being different and unique doesn't mean you throw a farce at us without an end game.

Just some things that stood out to me--

Your log line has nothing in it that makes me excited about reading the story.  You should have some "hook" in the log line to snag me and drag me in to the story.

Your title page doesn't have who the writer is or how to get in contact with you.

Your opening slug reads:
INT. SMALL HOSPITAL ROOM

Is it morning, afternoon or night?  Need to include that.

You don't properly introduce Mr. Farley or tell us anything about him at all, except that he's in a hospital.

The nurse has "an unknown foreign accent".  Why is it unknown?  Is that important to the story?

What the hell were all those "CLICKS"?

You also need to watch using -ING verbs in your action sequences...use active verbs versus passive ones.

That's it.  Wasn't my cup of tea, but others might find this amusing.

Gary

I remember reading this on MP. Has this one changed since the competition, or not? As I said in my notes on MP, it's overall an incredibly confusing read. I found myself confused as to what was actually going on in your action. I'll wait for you to chip in before I say anything else.

James

First off, I can see some potential here. This didn’t really go anywhere story-wise but I was certainly intrigued by the possibilities. As it stands, it’s not a short script but rather an excerpt for a greater piece…I presume. From the four pages I gathered that you can deliver naturalistic, nuanced dialogue and a creeping unsettling tension with very little to work with. The building up to Dr. Fritz’s appearance, his formal, sterile way of addressing the patient and the nurse’s constant coming in and out as she goes about her tasks were all nicely handled and suggest that there’s something deeper at work here. An effectively sinister undertone pervaded proceedings which didn’t go unnoticed.

I also liked how it’s all done through P.O.V. similar to “The Diving Bell and The Butterfly”, "Lady in The Water" and “Enter the Void.”

However, on a technical level (unless you are directing it yourself) it’s misguided and bogged down considerably by references to camera angles and meticulous detail afforded to character movements. If you are indeed only the writer, you need to cut out all direction as that’s for the director to decide. I would establish at the beginning that this is all done via the protagonist’s P.O.V. and move on from there.

As I said, I do see something possibly worthy here under all the superfluous detail. I’d recommend reading as many spec scripts as possible, getting familiar with the format and the type of writing style that’s adopted.

Best of luck

Col.

there is no comedy to be read within the first page, so you have to change that, or change the genre, sir. also, your action lines leave a lot to be desired: they are many, they are not very well described and i don't feel that they're ultimately necessary as they are. add to that, you could use a sprinkling of exciting language in your writing and you have a lackluster effort here. but hope's not gone. you can easily transform this effort into something cool with a tighter focus and more time. do it.

Quoted from courhaw there is no comedy to be read within the first page, so you have to change that, or change the genre, sir.

Sh?t, I never even noticed it was posted as a comedy. I rarely look at the genre now that I think of it. I found this "scene" more creepy and squeamish than anything resembling comedy.

This was a weird read.

Is it all written from Farewells POV??

i stopped reading after 3 pages, it was that difficult. Sorry  

Hey James,

The action lines were certainly confusing and difficult to get through, but for some reason I found myself interested in this script. I think you successfully created a disturbing atmosphere that has a lot of potential for a greater work. It reminded me a lot of the scene in Minority Report in which the recently released Doctor and his scantily "nurse" prepare to remove Anderton's eyes.

Also, the dialogue was actually pretty well written as well. It wasn't on the nose, or over written, however it also didn't really progress anything story wise (but I suspect that‘s because there isn’t really a story yet).

Like a few others said, I think you should read some scripts and figure out how to write the action lines more effectively, and then tighten up the script because I think you may have something here, not sure what, but something.

Hey everyone,

First, I must thank you all for taking the time to read the script. I almost forgot that I submitted the script here and was quite surprised there were some comments made. Though I'm not quite as surprised as to the content of said comments.

Let me clear up a few things. I wrote the script a few months back so I don't have a vivid recollection of its intentions except that I wrote it in a very short period of time: I approximate between 1 to 1.5 hours. After I wrote it then, I reworked some of the action lines, dialogue, etc. Then a few months later, most likely two, I re-read it and thought it was funny so I chiseled away some other rough edges and decided that it was fine the way it was and that I wouldn't work on it further.

To me, as I read it that "second" time, and as I read it now, it's a comedy. Yes, the atmosphere is very disturbing, odd, peculiar, bizarre, creepy, weird, dreadful, etc, etc. I can see that certainly. I'm not that oblivious to it. Nevertheless, it does make me laugh even when I read it now. I'm unsure if that's a good thing or not, but its my litmus test.

As to the "story". There isn't one. Purposefully. Yes, quite intentionally because I just wanted to paint something very strange and odd without reason or logic. And I believe it was Groucho Marx that said humor is reason gone mad.

Speaking of painting. Another of my goals was to paint very vivid, three dimensional characters, regardless of story, very distinct from one another, in action and dialogue. And I wanted to be able to hear them speak differently and talk differently and appear differently. So that's also why some descriptions i.e., the nurses' hog knuckled hands, and Cheshire cat smile, are described to such detail.

Dialogue wise, I thought I did okay. It's different from how I normally write it, but you kind of get a sense of how it should sing based on the walls you've erected.

I have no idea why I started with the POV but I just kept going with it. I guess it just worked as I kept going and in retrospect, it was difficult to write like that because that's all I wanted the reader/audience to see/know/hear. I didn't want other information to be revealed. So it was a challenge to write in that format. Usually, and I'm well aware of this, a director would make this decision. But the more I started writing on it, the more I realized how visual it became, to me. I suppose severing some action lines for want of brevity in the action could be the cause for some confusion in reading the script. I think that's all I'll say on that.



In response to some of the comments made regarding the script:

"I started to take notes, but immediately stopped due to all the camera directions and lack of time element in the first slug."

Wrt time element. I removed it because I assumed there are no windows in this room. Which is obvious when the power goes out since the the only illumination in the scene is from the emergency lights in the hallways. Then again, I did re-think I should have detailed the placement of the door, and if there are any windows on the door, and so on during that specific part to better make sense of how the POV is seeing things. When the two characters are addressing the POV/Farwell, they are obviously looking straight at the camera.

"The nurse has "an unknown foreign accent".  Why is it unknown?  Is that important to the story?"

I suppose just "foreign accent" would have done. I didn't want to say it was this and that because not everyone knows what, say, a Hungarian accent is like. It's something odd, indescribable might have been the proper term.

"Has this one changed since the competition, or not?"

Yes! I removed the typos and did some minor retouching for clarity

"it's overall an incredibly confusing read."

See, I don't know how to respond to this because without being specific....well, I don't know what to say. What in particular was confusing about it? I don't find it confusing. Maybe some of the orientation of the room, distance between objects and so on, might cause confusion, but I didn't use words difficult to understand. So I'm confused why you're confused.

"As it stands, it’s not a short script but rather an excerpt for a greater piece…I presume."

You presume well. That's how I began to think about it. A scene. A scene that could potentially fit into a large script.

"From the four pages I gathered that you can deliver naturalistic, nuanced dialogue and a creeping unsettling tension with very little to work with."

Yes, that was also the task I set for myself. I wanted to place the character in one place and have him interact with a limited cast. I could have actually potentially written this out to about 10 to 15 pgs, but it was for a competition. But I'm glad you caught onto that.

"there is no comedy to be read within the first page, so you have to change that, or change the genre, sir."

Well I think there's comedy. But just because I think that, doesn't mean I'm expecting you to get it.

"also, your action lines leave a lot to be desired: they are many, they are not very well described and i don't feel that they're ultimately necessary as they are."

Could you give a few specific examples? That would be immense help.

"i stopped reading after 3 pages, it was that difficult. Sorry"

What was difficult about it? Could you please elaborate?

To ColinField: Thanks for the comments. I think you got most of what I was going for. Wrt to effective action lines: no worries. My next script is mostly dialogue. So we'll see how that turns out

James, I noticed you reviewing (including mine) and so, returning the favour.

First off, I'm all for esoteric screenplays and for creating something a little 'different' but I have a feeling that this particular script of yours verges on the 'ideas in your head' i.e. your vision, just not translating well to the page.

Quoted from J.S. To me, as I read it that "second" time, and as I read it now, it's a comedy. Yes, the atmosphere is very disturbing, odd, peculiar, bizarre, creepy, weird, dreadful, etc, etc. I can see that certainly. I'm not that oblivious to it. Nevertheless, it does make me laugh even when I read it now. I'm unsure if that's a good thing or not, but its my litmus test.[i]

Not sure re your litmus test, and that's all well and good that it satisfied you, but you're not writing in a vacuum, you want your audience to appreciate this as much as you do... or at least get enough of it... surely?

Quoted from J.S. As to the "story". There isn't one. Purposefully. Yes, quite intentionally because I just wanted to paint something very strange and odd without reason or logic.

I'm all for strange and without obvious reason but I'm not convinced you can get away with this completely unless you're already a comic writer of some note. It's akin to Lynch doing a whacky out there script without Blue Velvet under his belt. Mulholland Drive & Blue Velvet are classics in my book, but Inland Empire was a dismal thumbs down imh. But, he can do whatever he likes now, he's earned his stripes.

To give credit to your script, some things were mildly humorous, especially Dr Fritz mistaking the patient for a pregnant woman and the stethoscope bit, but I went looking for the humour after reading the genre is in fact comedy and not at first realising this.

I read this a few times and I feel like this might be an experiment in producing a pilot ep. for a comedy series? Am I right? I can't see it being a part of a 'feature' cause it comes off as a skit. Perhaps in the vein of Monty Python (?) the obsure words in dialogue - (puissant/vertex to quote a couple) to create 'character', the whacky situations?

My feeling is, if you're going whacky, you need to go all out but more than that, the comedy moments need to be more obvious to a wide audience. It's a little [i]too abstract, hence the 'I was confused' feedback you're getting so far, and I don't feel the POV device did your story any favours, only served to make it more confusing. I think you would have been fine leaving that for the opening but then leave it there.

And I'm all for a wrylie, but not of too much length, otherwise it really needs a proper description line on it's own. And don't repeat them i.e. 'snickers asthmatically' really didn't sit well with me.

So, overall if I were you I'd sit down and think where do I really want to go with this. Don't compromise on your vision but make it more accessible to your audience.

Just my thoughts.

Nice to meet you J.S.

LC,

Thank you for your comments. I appreciate you taking the time and reading the script. And nice to meet you too.

"First off, I'm all for esoteric screenplays and for creating something a little 'different' but I have a feeling that this particular script of yours verges on the 'ideas in your head' i.e. your vision, just not translating well to the page."

I don't think its esoteric. Illogical and strange maybe. That last part is very possible. But I'm afraid if my 'ideas' were to be written down exactly as I imagined it, it would be a dull read. So I've only written down the important parts.

"Not sure re your litmus test, and that's all well and good that it satisfied you, but you're not writing in a vacuum, you want your audience to appreciate this as much as you do... or at least get enough of it... surely?"

Well, ultimately I have to let the audience be the judge of the humor. It is an attempt at humor from my perspective, yes. But I don't feel like I've created my own kind of humor and I'm writing it in a vacuum and this is why people don't get it. Comedy would be better seen and heard than read in my opinion. I mean, imagine the nurse as Harpo and the doctor as Groucho, for the sake of argument. That to me is funny. I don't know how others read it, but that would be a way I could read it. But I'm not going to try and defend the humor because I know it won't work for everyone and it wasn't meant to. I disagree I've written it in a vacuum that's all.

" It's akin to Lynch doing a whacky out there script without Blue Velvet under his belt. Mulholland Drive & Blue Velvet are classics in my book, but Inland Empire was a dismal thumbs down imh. But, he can do whatever he likes now, he's earned his stripes. "

I've haven't much liked his films. Mulholland Drive was okay. Kinda creepy at times. Actually, this is probably the opposite of that in that it doesn't take itself too seriously whereas I feel Lynch's films do. And that's kind of true I think with this. Interesting you mentioned those. Got me to thinking

"To give credit to your script, some things were mildly humorous, especially Dr Fritz mistaking the patient for a pregnant woman and the stethoscope bit, but I went [i] looking for the humour after reading the genre is in fact comedy and not at first realising this."

Well there's a lot of contradiction between what the doctor says to Farwell and what the nurse does. All things that might be a tad too cerebral, maybe. Again, I still hold to the theory that seeing it and hearing it might be more effective.

"I read this a few times and I feel like this might be an experiment in producing a pilot ep. for a comedy series? Am I right? I can't see it being a part of a 'feature' cause it comes off as a skit."

Not really a pilot, no. It could work in a feature I think, but somewhere in the middle. Of course, by that time, I think the audience would know Farwell and so on. I haven't given it thought, so I couldn't answer. I'm actually not that worried about it at this point as it was more an experiment in trying out something different than what I usually do.

"My feeling is, if you're going whacky, you need to go all out but more than that, the comedy moments need to be more obvious to a wide audience."

Quite on the contrary for me. I find it that, especially in this case, they ought to be subtle and appear serious.

"and I don't feel the POV device did your story any favours, only served to make it more confusing. I think you would have been fine leaving that for the opening but then leave it there."

Yea, I don't know how I feel about that. Like I said, it was kind of an experiment at doing it like that, in that format. It makes sense to me, he moves his head right we see this. He moves his head left, we see that. He looks straight we see that. He looks down. I think it probably doesn't work because I can visualize the orientation of the room much better than you would normally in a script. That's probably why its become confusing.

"And I'm all for a wrylie, but not of too much length, otherwise it really needs a proper description line on it's own. And don't repeat them i.e. 'snickers asthmatically' really didn't sit well with me."

I've noticed that some screenwriters will write in more parentheticals than others. Sturges used them quite often actually to emphasize how his comedy should be acted. I don't think he overdid them. I don't think I overdid them. Yes, true, it might be a pain on the actor but god dammnit it would ruin the joke And her snickering asthmatically has to be on cue, that's why its there. She can't just do it whenever she wants to. It has to be on cue. It's actually something like the Hanna-Barbara character Muttley. I thought about changing it to the "Muttley laugh" which, naturally, makes me laugh

"So, overall if I were you I'd sit down and think where do I really want to go with this. Don't compromise on your vision but make it more accessible."

I don't think I want to go anywhere with it actually. It was more of an exercise. I mean, it doesn't really resemble what I currently write. It's kind of an embarrassment I suppose It was, and is, an experiment of doing something with the POV, and doing it in this cooky place that is so strange and odd that it just has to make you laugh, that is, make me laugh.

Thanks again for your thoughts. I'll be finishing up a short script soon that has a story (a good thing )that's more towards how I normally write but at the same time, a tad different.

-J.S.

I don't get this script at all.  It had the absurdity of a Monty Python sketch, but none of the humor.

I could understand that you were trying to do everything from Farwell's POV, but I could also understand what others were saying about all the camera angles.  In the case of this script, it would be better to leave them out.  It seems more of a director's choice in this case than a writer's choice.


Phil

Thanks for the read Phil,

Sorry it didn't appeal to you.

-J.S.

Hey J.S. You spelled Displacing wrong. Apart from that, it's an interesting piece.

It is comedy, in that it mocks, but comedy is always subjective. As is reality, occasionally.

Your writing is good, that's the main point. The angle is off-kilter, so you lead to questions of preference when you don't please everyone, but that's okay.

Camera angles only get included when essential -- here, I see the justification, so I can go with it.

Characters - you worked on them, and I can see what you wanted to create, so that's a buy. Tied into a story, what you do could work ... it'd be interesting to see.