The Sleeping Prophet by Cary Baxter - Drama, Biography - Edgar Cayce comes from the rural backwaters of Kentucky to reach international fame while he wonders whether his miraculous power is evil or divine.106 pages - pdf, format

First thing I noticed, this looks like an adaption. If that's true, I really doubt you own adaption rights, and in that case, there a VERY small chance this will ever get produced. Especially in the shape it's in now.

That said, since this is also based on a true story, you don't have to say this is an adaption of the book. Change the plot around so it's not too similar to the book and you won't have to worry about getting adaption rights from the author. Just treat it as an adaption of the true story, not the book.

Onto the script, you've got numerous issues within the first page alone. I suggest reading some other scripts-- pro and amateur-- to get a better understanding of how it's done.

In your first paragraph alone, you've got unfilmables, improper character intros and you tell instead of showing us. Not to mention your slug isn't right. Sorry, but... I'm not going to go over the first page.

Your dialogue is kind of wooden and on the nose, which is a bigger issue that's more complicated to fix. Just work with it until you can get it sounding natural, maybe even say it out loud.

Like I said, read some scripts for a better idea of how to do this and read about formatting online. I haven't seen you around, so I won't go into much detail.

Read and review some scripts on the boards if you want us to read yours.

Take care.

Will

Hey Cary.

So first off, the first sentence of your logline doesn't really belong there and if I'm being honest, it kinda comes off a tad bit desperate.  All you need really is that second sentence.  Let the story speak for itself.

So reading the first page, Will pretty much hit the nail on the head.  Unfilmables, passive writing, bad slug, characters not being introduced properly, quite a few problems on the ever critical page 1.

We as audience can't really see or hear what you're writing in you action lines so describe and show us instead of telling us.  When you tell, not only can it not be translated, it loses its surprise and thrill IMO.

Without a brief description of the setting and random, generically named characters popping up, I'm left in the dark when it comes to picturing what's happening.  It really reads more like a split telephone conversation than an actual scene, sorry to say.

Stopped on page 3.  I'm sure this is a very captivating tale but the writing is just not there yet.  Work at showing us what's happening instead of breaking down the illusion of the story with dead giveaways.  Best of luck on your script.

Johnny

Thanks for the help.  I'm rewriting.

I liked the beginning, but I think flashback starting from his birth is not necessary. I would tell the story and then once every 5 pages I would do a flashback, like Danny Boile did in Slumdog Millionaire movie.

Hello Cary,

Bad news/good news...

Your title made me open the thread and I haven't been on in awhile. That's a big plus in these days of attention deficit blah-blah-blah.

I do hate to say though that after the first few lines I hit close, but I didn't want to leave without telling you why. See:

FADE IN:

INTERTITLE ‘Edgar Cayce, born 1877, became the greatest known psychic of modern times.’

INT. MEDICAL SOCIETY MEETING (BOWLING GREEN, KY) – 1906 (NIGHT)

Dr. Blackburn is introducing Edgar Cayce to the society members. Tonight’s topic is hypnosis. Edgar is to demonstrate his abilities while in trance. There is excitement before the proceeding begins.

From above:

We must ask ourselves:

How does Dr. Blackburn introduce? (not is introducing)

How do we know tonight's topic is hypnosis visually? Is there a sign? Write that then.

Contrary to that however, we read:

Edgar is to demonstrate his abilities...

Just write "the proceedings" of his activities. For example:

Edgar loosens his tie, inhales something ethereal which no one else can see but seems to inflate his ego or the audience's imagination or both.

The audience hardly blinks as he...

**I don't know, I'm just hacking away, but the point is:

Work on showing what's happening.

Sandra

Hi Cary. Here is my view on your script.

1. I haven't thoroughly read your script but yet I schemed it to see what all the complaints was about.

2. You do have unfilmable's in your script but they do not bother me. Neither will I throw out your script because of this reason especially since they can be easily deleted.

3. You have some passive writing but that doesn't bother me either because it can be easily corrected.

With that said I cannot tell if your story is any good but it didn't start off bad from what I read and I would concentrate on comments towards the story because that's what going to (sell) at the end of the day. (Not) grammar, formatting, or active writing.

I didn't get far with this script, Cary.  There just wasn't anything to keep my attention and make me want to read further.

You need to learn the correct way to write your script.  One of the main rules is that you need to show us thing, not tell us things.  Examples include:

Quoted Text Dr. Blackburn is introducing Edgar Cayce to the society members. Tonight's topic is hypnosis. Edgar is to demonstrate his abilities while in trance. There is excitement before the proceeding begins.

You need to tell us what we see and hear, as if we were watching this on the screen.  We don't know anything about this society.  How would we know about the topic for the evening?  What kind of excitement do you refer to?

For this opening, I think you'd be better off if you jumped right into things and started with Edgar in a trance, instead of waiting until page three.


On page sixteen, you wrote:

Quoted Text Edgar (19) is dusting the stock of books and the store fixtures where he now works. He sees a customer looking intently at merchandise. Funny, he didn't see the customer enter, and he doesn't yet recognize his dead grandfather. Edgar looks away, then he looks back, and there is no one there. Only now does he know that it was his dead grandfather, Tom Cayce.

Same problems here.  A better way to write this would be:

Quoted Text Edgar (19) dusts shelves of books.  He glances to the side and sees a MAN (60) staring at merchandise.  He returns to his chores only to glance back at the man. The man has vanished. Edgar steps to where this man stood.                            EDGAR         Grandpa?

I strongly recommend that you read some scripts, here, to learn a little more about writing.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Thanks for the comments.  I've made changes before some of the comments were posted.  I have submitted a revised version, anyway.

The first scene where doctors stick the sleeping Cayce with knives and needles is a shocking scene that elicits sympathy for Edgar, the main character, and demonstrates the nature of the antagonism.

I resorted to flashback only after long consideration.  It was done for the purpose of structure -- to align historical milestones with story points.

In any biography there will be massive ommissions for practical reasons, but if too much is omitted, the story will be thin.  I retained most of the items of real historical interest.  Edgar had a vision at 14 that changed his life.  Whether or not others believe him, it is this he credits and describes.  Cinema, too, can create it, and it is here found on page 8 (close to 10).  I retained childhood milestones because Cayce's childhood is important to those who investigate the story, and his family history included other gifted characters like Edgar.  Character: It runs in his family.

The inciting incident in Edgar's life is the first time he diagnoses under hypnosis, and cures his own disphonia with witnesses present.  It is this that starts him giving readings for others that he will continue for the rest of his life.  This is page 27, the end of Act I.

So, the movie starts with a shocking but true scene, there is a miraculous milestone on page 8 and the inciting incident on page 27.  The Flashback allows all this to happen in Act I at desirable points.

I actually didn't care about the opening scene.  It didn't do anything for me.  And I didn't get to page 27.

Read some scripts, here.  It'll help you in your writing.


Phil