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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Then Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 15th, 2013, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Then by Jovan Kizito - Drama - ...a girl leaves town, a boy leaves earth, the elder brother stays in love… 92 pages - pdf, format


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Forgive
Posted: February 15th, 2013, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Okay - I just read the '12 signs of a promising script' post, and then I come across a coffin in the first line.

Maybe it's not co-incidence, and he's not called 'Ghostie' for nothing ...

Jovan, here's the link:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1360915612/
... it's good for all.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: February 16th, 2013, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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Usually, I'll read the first page of the script, even if the log line is a bit of a mess, just to confirm a pretty universal theory on this site that if the log line isn't properly drafted, the script will likely be of equal worth.  That theory is once again confirmed here.

Jovan, I haven't seen you around, so I'll keep my comments brief and hope you show up.  This script has quite a few issues with it.  The formatting is okay for the most part, although you need to drop the (Continued) from the bottom of each page.

You write passively.  You need to drop all the words ending in -ING from your action sequences and write in the active voice.  Instead of "A few dozen people are attending this ceremony," you should write something like "A few dozen people attend the ceremony."  

In another action sequence you write: "CAMERA follows two male bodies from above walking down the roadside in silence."  Try not to give camera directions unless absolutely necessary.  This is only a spec script.  Camera directions are included in a shooting script.   Also "two male bodies" is overly descriptive.  We can assume that if you said "two males walk down the roadside," that their bodies will be there as well.  You don't need to say in silence if you don't have any dialogue accompanying this action sequence.

Don't put "unfilmables" into action sequences.  Halfway down the first page, you write this: "Rodney is down to earth. The kind left only to live for the good of Liam and other few individuals."  How do we know that?  You're telling us, not showing us.  If this were on film, we would see the two men walking down the street, but as far we know, they could be ax murderers, because you haven't shown us through your script HOW he is down to earth.

Okay, I went on a little longer than intended, but go find some great scripts--there are plenty online, even right here on this site, and see how good writers use action and dialogue to propel their story.  Then edit, edit, edit, your script and keep working at it, and hopefully it will pay off down the road.

Good luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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