I Don't Want… by Vivian L. (ScriptsWritingAmateur) - Short, Teenage - A girl doesn't want what everyone wants her to have. 6 pages - pdf, format

Hi Vivian-

I like your concept, and wanted to connect with a sympathetic emotion, but the dialog never quite got there for me. It's an awfully tough subject to tackle in under 6 pages, so kudos for tackling it.

-Bogey

Hey Vivian.

Don't think I've seen you around.

So for starters, you'll want a title page with all the appropriate info instead of at the top of your first page.  Also, capitalize the names of your characters when you introduce them.

Don't use "we" in your action lines.  It isn't necessary.  Instead, just write, "the sock sinks."  Did the sock fall btw?

Since it's the same scene, the CUT TO isn't needed.  You can use LATER but I suggest removing it all together.

A lot of dialogue after the initial set up.  It's funny since Terra's opening dialogue is so melancholy, I though she would be less talkative and more introvertive.  I actually thought her first piece of dialogue was a voice over.

Mr and Mrs. Brown have no description or even ages.

"Terra snorts."  Not sure snorts is the right word.  Maybe sniffs?

"Not if I approve."  I think you mean "disapprove"?

Overall I found this story very sad and somewhat hollow.  Not much substance to it; just a sad little girl wallowing in hurt for some unknown reason.  Maybe some flashbacks with Julie could help the story.  Give us a fresh, bright angle on Terra so that it isn't just six pages of misery.

Also cut back on the small talk and inject some more action to your story.  It was an easy read but only because there was so little happening.  It wasn't badly written, just not a deep, compelling story.  Wish there was more to Terra's character than a bunch of melodramatic thoughts.  Best of luck with your writing.

Johnny

Hey Vivian

Like Johnny says, you need a title page and try not to use 'we see', so I'll move on.

Terra hears a shout and looks up.  Maybe you should have a shout as a (O.S.) dialogue?

Mrs. Sheryl needs an introdution really.  Also the CUT TO could be ditched as it is really not needed as you've not changed location.  Oh wait, I see Johnny picked up on that too lol.

Terra has a V.O. and it got me thinking that her first dialogue reads like it should be a V.O. too.  She's sat on the dock alone and it might be a bit funny for her to be tallking to herself?...damn Johnny said that as well...

Technically being fostered is different to being adopted.  Foster parents usually take care of a child for short periods of time while adoption is legally taking responsibilty for said child.

The small room scene should have Mr and Mrs Browne introduced.

Think Terra means 'disapprove'?

When Terra begins to write you could use a slug to show the diary or maybe have Terra V.O.

This is a sad little story.  There's a lot of build up to the ending revaltion but that's okay.  My main issue is with the adopting/fostering part.  I can only speak from an English perspective but this is my concern.  If Mr and Mrs Browne are adopting Terra then Terra will have a say in whether she goes or not.  She can't be forced to be adopted by someone she doesn't like.  Infact she would spend time with them beforehand to see if they all get along.  If they did adopt her they wouldn't then be allowed to ship her off to boarding school as adopting is gernerally about giving the child care and security.  Fostering is different as she can be forced to stay with a foster family but they will usually foster more than one child at a time and like I said it could be for short time periods or longer.  I think this needs to be resolved.

Like I said though, this is a sad story that has potential but needs a little work. Terra does come across as a moody teenager, so you got that down great.
Also I'd recommend losing the date and web address from the footer.
Hope this helps.