Cumming of Age by Tony Maher (tonyberridge) - Short, Comedy - Being a teenager can be very embarrassing at times. It's a good job you have you Mum, Dad, Sister and mates around to support you through those awkward years, or maybe it isn't.. 12 pages - pdf, format

Tony,

I saw a lot of spelling/grammar issues, so you'll probably want to proof read your work.

Here are my notes as I was reading this.

I'm not feeling the first scene all that much. Maybe try shortening it a bit?

Second scene was good.

"Really Devon, I don't know why you
just don't keep a box of tissues by
your bed instead of blowing your
nose in that same manky old sock."

That was a great line.

Scene three was great.

"Dad is one finger
typing on the computer."

One finger, one hand typing? Or one finger, two hand typing? Either way it's funny but I'd be a bit more specific.

"Devon it's five pm! What are you
fucking doing!"

Wonderful! Although I would have reversed the order of those lines and added a  beat between them. I'm really liking the Mom character though.

I'm not sure about the last scene and the ending in general. I think you could do better with it. For a moment I thought he might try to get revenge on his friends by making copies of the disc and passing it around. Guess I just expected a different angle. But nevertheless, I think you could end much better.

-J.S.

Quite a distasteful piece.

It just seems like a few raunchy scenes slung together for cheap laughs.

It's also a cringingly awkward read, with such action lines as:
"with his quickly softening penis in his hand" and
"his stroking hand slows down" to name a few.

Tony,

Lots wrong with this one:

- No introductions of characters.
- Awkward writing throughout, ie, "He forcefully crosses his arms and turns his head to look outside the car." How does someone forcefully cross their arms? Or this: "The realization hits his expression like a wet fish to his cheek." What does this even mean?
- Slugs incorrectly formatted.
- Parentheticals incorrectly formatted.
- Unrealistic dialogue throughout, but mainly from the parents (would a Dad really say "and no more granny porn!"?)
- Numerous scenes where nothing happens.
- Lack of story.

I'm guessing you'd been watching The Inbetweeners whilst writing this? Because so many of the scenes in this are identical to scenes from that. But the reason they work well in that show, is because they are part of a story. Whereas here, they are just a collection of scenes.

And furthermore, the masturbation scene is basically identical to the opening of American Pie. Come on, man. You can be more original than that.

Toby.

Hey Tony,

I’m sorry to say that there tons of problems on display here technically and in the story, I see others have highlighted a few so you should take note of them. Read some scripts and learn to get a better handle of the craft.

I did read the whole thing and it’s basically just a ruder version of American Pie and none of the characters have any depth, nor does the story go anywhere.

In saying that, I did have a few giggles (is there such a thing as masturbation lube?) and while dialogue was pretty poor, a few lines did make me laugh especially the mothers line to the daughter about “buzzing away on her power tools during the night”

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Hi Tony,

Technically, yes, this needs some work, but I thought the story was reasonably charming (considering what you're writing about, anyway).

I think you did a good job opening and closing each scene, even though there may have been too much in the middle of each one.

I had an issue with the writing on page 5 -- how are we as an audience supposed to know Devon's DVD player is missing? This is our first time seeing his bedroom, after all. Maybe reword this so it shows an empty spot on his dresser with an exposed HDMI cord or something. At least give us an indication that something used to be there (maybe a dusty surface with a clean rectangular area where the DVD player once sat).

All in all, I wasn't bored, and it made me smile. Work out the kinks and this one is ready to be filmed.

Chris

Thank you all for the positive and negative comments. I realize my grammar is poor at best. I actually feel let down by a home learning course I've been on for two years. My tutor(s) have barely criticized my writing efforts after reading my assignments, so to get very negative comments on formatting and grammar is embarrassed to say it, quite a shock and very frustrating for me. I think this site is a superb learning platform for someone inexperienced like myself. I will take all of your advice and put it to good use. Thanks again for reading my work, it was simply a one off short on the back of a bad day that was scrambled together in a couple of hours. I'll check out your posts.
Tony