Tree by Sam Sword - Short, Drama - A man goes in search of the perfect Christmas tree. 14 pages - pdf, format

Sam,

Your formatting is pretty bad, sorry. Get some formatting software-- it'll make life easier. Celtx and Trelby are both free.

And don't put the title IN HUGE LETTERS on the title page.

EXT. STREET. MORNING.

Bare trees guard hard, cold streets.

If your slug says "EXT. STREET" don't refer back to the "street" in your action lines if possible. It's redundant.

You have some pretty big paragraphs. Keep action paragraphs at 4 lines max.

I'd avoid "We see". Just write action as it happens.

You sort of change location when you mention "the gray house", but there isn't a new slug. Actually, you don't need to have the "EXT. STREET" part at all... just begin with "EXT. HOUSE" and show the kid knocking on the door.

I'll provide more detailed notes if you show up. Hope this helps....

Will

Well ... I'm b*ggered if I'm just going to spend the evening going 'what crook said'.

So ... I think you maybe have some story sense. As a script, this was a hard read, and I tried to go through it, but I did get the idea, that you do have some find of feel here, it's just going to take a bit of work to get it out and get it clean.

It seems to be principally a simple story that you wanted to get some character out of and anything like that is a positive.

The dialogue read like treacle.

In your minds eye, I think you captured some things nicely, but it's not coming across on the page.

It's worth you piping up, but ...

I read the first 5, and did so ignoring the formatting issues to see if I could get into the dialogue.

Sorry, didn't grab me. A lot of: question, repeat question before answering, etc.

I liked where the tree vs. wife was going, but thought you abandoned it too quickly.

So I finally showed up.

As you can probably tell I'm new to this. It took a few days to get a username and password through.

I appreciate all your comments so far. I would definitely be interested in reading any other comments you may have.

Celtx will certainly be the place I go for the second draft.

Quoted from SamSword So I finally showed up. As you can probably tell I'm new to this. It took a few days to get a username and password through. I appreciate all your comments so far. I would definitely be interested in reading any other comments you may have. Celtx will certainly be the place I go for the second draft.

Welcome to the boards, Sam!

Just a quick tip, SS works on a system where if you expect comments on your own work, you need to pitch in and comment on the works of others. Don't be scared because you're new to all of this. Just read some screenplays and give them your honest opinion. That should be enough to get you some reads.

Cheers,

Dan

Hey Sam - good to see you up on the boards. I'll give some feedback IMO on this, bit I hope you'll do your bit and read some other people's scripts here - if nothing else, it's a short-cut to learning.

Usually start with a FADE IN: to the left; you'll look like an amateur other-wise.

p.1
Bare trees guard hard, cold streets.
-- nice descriptive opener, and this is really important, even though it might not be to everyone's taste.

We end at number 95. A plain, grey house.
-- best to avoid 'we' & just go with the plain grey house. 'We' smacks of camera direction, and if it isn't then it's plain meaningless.

EXT. FRONT DOOR. MORNING.
-- with your slug, usually this would be written:
EXT. FRONT DOOR - DAY
In the UK you often see the two periods, but I'd drop them to be honest as the dash is more familiar. Your time of day is better as either DAY or NIGHT. 'FRONT DOOR' isn't technically a location, it's part of a location.

p.2
The door opens slowly. Neil is eating a slice of toast a foot from the door.
-- this is better written as:
The door opens. Neil's eating a slice of toast.
- The rest is superfluous.

Spotting him in the gloom of the hall, the boy fixes a festive grin.
-- a couple of problems with this sentence. First off, I believe that it's a passive present participle, as you've passified your modified noun. In simple terms - a cluster f*ck of a sentence. You'd help things along I think, by giving the boy a name. Second, you'd specify the boy doing the looking. Then there's the odd visual - Neil opens the door, but the boy spots him in the 'gloom of the hall' - it feel then, like Neil's located further back - so the visuals clash to my mind.

p.3
     Neil
I don’t have a wife. That doesn’t
mean I want one.
-- I like this dialogue - in fact the exchange between Neil and the boy was pretty good - it got on with stuff without wasting too much time, and showed the boy had an able adversary.

p.4
He glances at a space beside the empty sofa in front of him. It is the perfect spot for a well sized Christmas tree.
-- this is okay, but some people might ask how you show this as a visual.

- a minor: He finishes his tea, and then you go to a new line to have him spit it out. I'd have taken the 'tea' line from the 'tree' line, and put it with the spitting out line.

I liked the trail of pine needles, and I liked the front door banging, bit maybe have Neil interact with the trail of pine needles - like he looks around, and then just specify him spotting it, and following it some - it's a nice idea, but it'd be good to see him engage with it - if you see what I mean?

I like the 'too late' line - the right sort of conflict for this kind of script - but your (beat) is a parenthetic & if you've got celtix it'll put it where it should be, or have it as an action line - whichever, it isn't dialogue.

p.5
He settles back
-- new scene: you might want to specify who.

Neil stares accusingly at the empty space in front of him.
-- this is a great little line, and makes me think there's talent here. The 'space' is what motivated Neil to go and search for the boy, and following his rejection, the same 'space' represents his failure, so leads him to fill the void. You do need an external for this, or clear up the 'through his front window' line - but still, I liked the 'Christmas trees smirk back at him'.

I'm dipping out here. I did read a little further. You've got some great turns of phrases here, and there's no doubt you've got a eye for the story and you can spot humor in the details ... but if you want to develop yourself and see your potential exposed, read some (here and elsewhere) and ...

good luck with it.

Hey Sam,

I managed to read the first few pages but couldn't quite get into it, although some of the banter at the start is quite amusing. I briefly looked over the rest of the script and have based my feedback more on formatting than anything else.

Title page - no big letters, 12 pt caps for title.  Don't put a draft number on it or date, nobody needs to know how old or new the script is.  No page number on title page either.

Get rid of any empty lines in you dialogue sections.

Parentheticals are off - should be 0.5 inch left of name and go for about 1.5 inches.

Page numbers should be top right about an inch in.

Un-bold your names and sluglines.

My advice would be to check the screenwriting class section of this site, read more scripts and print out the screenplay format script from the oscars.org site it's in the Nicolls award section.  It's a screenplay written as a format guide.

Good luck with your writing, hope to read more from you soon

Sam,

Here are my notes as I was reading this.

Need some kind of Fade in transition.

"Bare trees guard hard, cold streets." It's poetic, sure. But I'm wary of it.

"We end at number 95." Okay. I stopped here. I'm confused already. At first, for whatever reason, I thought this was downtown of a town. Probably because you said "streets" and not street. So I'm trying to orient myself. So I guess the problem is your opener. You haven't established the environment very well.

"EXT. FRONT DOOR. MORNING."

I feel like you're suggesting a camera angle.

"INT/EXT. HALLWAY/FRONT DOOR. MORNING."

Same here.

"Neil is eating a slice of toast a foot from the door."

I'm confused. Are we inside looking out as the door opens or outside looking in? Second, "a foot from the door" should go. That's overly specific.

"The boy turns and walks back to the road, dejected."

Move dejected anywhere but the end. It serves no purpose being there. You might say he turns dejected or he turns and walks dejected. I'd prefer the former.

"Advancing upon the sofa, he shoves it across the carpet to
better fill the void. "

He shoves what? Mug of tea?

"Pleased with his handy work he takes in the scene through
his front windows."

I'm confused. How does he take in the scene through his front windows? By scene are we talking about the mug that's filled the void? And how does he go about doing this through the "front windows"? Is he outside? I don't understand.

"But from the
front rooms of every other house in the cul-de-sac
Christmas trees smirk back at him."

Okay, so now you tell us its a cul-de-sac. Might have been better to establish this right at the beginning.

"Neil walks out of the room and upstairs to dress."

There's no way to indicate that he's going to dress. So why write this?

He walks out of the room and climbs the stairs will serve enough.

That's as far as I'm going on this one. I might come back to it at some other time.

All the best with writing and rewriting,

-J.S.

Hi,

Thanks everyone for reading as far as you did and for all of your comments. I'll take them onboard and try and get a revised draft up soon (without all the formatting errors!).

Loads of advice to digest and plenty of reading and commenting of my own to do.

All the best with your own projects. And thanks again.

Sam