The Dying Song by Deep Coverage - Short - Isabelle, now old and frail, returns to the place she saw her mother killed- The French town of Oradour who, despite having surrendered to the Nazis, were massacred by them in 1944.  6 pages - pdf, format

I don't think it's ever taken me so long to read a six page script before.  It is so heavy in description that that it become a chore to read.  Deep (if that is your real name), you could easily cut a page or a page and a half out of this.


Phil

FYI, this script was discussed on Babz' thread.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-babzbuzz/m-1291683600/s-all/

Yup, that was a heavy read, but a good story. Your 2012 MP entry was much lighter - sign of the times.

I liked the touches within the story to bring out the emotion. It is one of the great challenges  to illiicit a feeling from the reader. Just because people die doesn't mean you feel anything, but a crumpled swan, given by a young boy out of his depth, and folded by a German with a sense of regret, does mean something.

I didn't know about the events in Oradour, so that was new as well, but I like the idea of placing a story within such a moment. I set one script on D day which was fun, even if it means it will never be produced.

Shame you don't turn up to MP more often, even if you upset some of the locals!

Cheers

Hey all,

Forgot I posted this up. It was mainly as a reaction to a thread on the link Mike was kind enough to post. Thanks to those who read it and who gave feedback.

Regarding the density- As Reef noted- I no longer write like this. This kind of lack of white space doesn't play well in the action genre. The latest MP entry is a lot more streamlined. And even that is a little more over-written. I like to think I'm fine-tuning all the time.

As to upsetting locals, only one or two. And that tends to be because I may be a little too honest with feedback sometimes (the main one being a comment recently that reading a story about a suicide and a vampire might make me 'Want to slit my own wrists'. Harsh.... but honest). I wouldn't say I'm overly mean, but it doesn't help anyone to hold back. MP's all about feedback and learning.

The Simon Cowell of MP script feedback if you will.

So thanks for being kind enough to hint that at least someone might miss my presence on MP, Reef. Means a lot. And thanks to all who read The Dying Song.

I don't know what you mean about white space... the script is loaded with visuals and low on dialogue. Very skillful piece of writing and a pleasure to read.