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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Hiccups - Filmed! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Hiccups - Filmed!  (currently 8513 views)
Don
Posted: March 15th, 2013, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hiccups by Chris Shamburger (sham) - Short, Horror - A man attempts to cure his girlfriend's hiccups by scaring her. 5 pages - pdf, format

+++++++

Hiccups from Karson Holbrook on Vimeo.



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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 4th, 2015, 5:45pm
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 15th, 2013, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Sham,

You have a talent with these short horror scripts - I recall a few of yours, all effective, well written. I think I have enjoyed them all. Cooked was excellent.

This one reminds me of the thing that's wasn't, i think, you know an old kids tale, applied to a one location budget horror script.

SPOILERS

This is good. In fact, half way through I was really taken with this, it is very good. I haven't be as absorbed with a short like this one for a while. I really felt the tension, wondered what would happen. Well done.

The end was ok, just not as good as the beginning, for me. We are only talking five pages, but it does feel like it has different phases. As soon as it goes to weird creatures and stripped flesh I kind of tune out, but i accept that's me.

Final image is good.

Decent work.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 15th, 2013, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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OMG I love this....the simplicity. Good story. Decent characters. Nice twist.

Great job in my opinion.

d
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LC
Posted: March 15th, 2013, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Very entertaining. Suspenseful, and then a nice little touch of the macabre and humour at the end with the last hiccup...least I found it funny.

Good stuff. In the right hands this would film nicely.


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Sham
Posted: March 15th, 2013, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the quick read, guys. This is the first script I've written since Cooked and The Thing That Wasn't (geez, has it really been a year?), and it was a real pain in the ass to complete. I'm glad it's done and I'm generally satisfied with how it turned out.

Some background on this script:

After reviving The Thing That Wasn't on this website, I got a message on Facebook from a filmmaker in Los Angeles saying he had found The Thing That Wasn't on this website and was interested in reading more of my work, preferably something under five pages. It occurred to me I didn't have much for him. He showed me some of his stuff, it blew me away, and we began talking about what we liked in micro-horror shorts. It didn't take long for our shared interest in Drew Daywalt's Fewdio stuff on YouTube to become apparent. And Fewdio ultimately became the foundation for me coming up with Hiccups.

This is the first script I've written specifically for the scare and not the story.

I'm still not sure if the filmmaker has read it or is even remotely interested in it, but I have my fingers crossed, at least on the possibility of working with him in any capacity.

Thanks again for the comments, guys. Glad you enjoyed it.

Chris



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Sham  -  March 15th, 2013, 7:00pm
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J.S.
Posted: March 15th, 2013, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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Chris,

You've got it structured right. You don't waste time getting right into it which I liked. I had a hunch somewhere along the way that (SPOILER) this would turn freaky. For some reason, somewhere at the back of my mind I was thinking, God please tell me there's going to be some logical explanation for this, like a dream or whatnot. I don't know. Personally, I feel that it's a cheap way to do a horror story.

Here's a horror story for ya. I wrote a nice little horror story, about the same length, and the writing software deleted it and then saved it and so I couldn't Ctrl+Z it back to life.

Anyway, I did like reading it. But it just doesn't appeal to me.

-J.S.
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KAlbers
Posted: March 15th, 2013, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Chris,

I liked your little tale of terr-- HICCUP, excuse me... anyway, its well written, quick and entertaining. The only "hiccup" I had with it was, *SPOILER -- I felt the ending didn't live up to the set-up. It was good, but the reveal left me unsatisfied for some reason... I think it's because we see the thing... sometimes leaving it to the imagination is better, perhaps not seeing the thing but rather just hearing it, save for maybe showing the ghostly hand grab the water, would be better... but hey, that's just my thoughts on it...  that being said, I still enjoyed it a lot, and could make for a nice little micro-horror flick as-is.

Best,
Kev


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Reggie
Posted: March 16th, 2013, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
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The double twist got us thinking about the outcome of this script. I didn't see it coming, even with the foreshadow.

This seems lean and clean and I thought the dialouge is realistic. The action is lean and I think this is one of the best short screenplays I read.

I really don't have any suggestions about this. Maybe you can write some other scripts like this and we can see what are the strength and weakness. Other than this, I read this all the way through and the short still has tension, even at the end.
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spesh2k
Posted: March 16th, 2013, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Well this was a breeze to read! And I liked it. It's well written and the simplicity of the story was appealing. It reminded me of that trailer for the horror film "The Conjuring", which actually made me jump (pretty effective for a trailer). Check it out and you'll see what I mean. Any way, the one thing I wasn't crazy about was the ending -- it didn't have much of a payoff, though I like the last hiccup touch at the very end. This monster kind of just comes out of left field, but I do understand it's a 4 page short. Overall, very enjoyable. A nice welcome back into the world of screenwriting!


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Sham
Posted: March 16th, 2013, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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@J.S. - Thanks for the read. I actually wasn't trying to hide this being a horror short. I even wrote "Short/Horror" when uploading it to the site, but I guess it got lost in translation in the hosting process. I understand this script isn't going to be everyone's cup of tea, but I'm glad you gave it a chance and appreciate the structure that comes with this formula. Thanks again.

@KAlbers - Thanks so much for the feedback! A part of me agrees that it's usually best not to show the horror, which is what I've done once before with The Thing That Wasn't. However, I think one of the things we writers often forget is how much fun a filmmaker can have with a good, scary visual. If we give them a good-enough buildup to justify a gratuitous scare, these filmmakers can basically go nuts and create whatever the hell they want. You're right, I could easily have Kyle see Jenn's dead body under the bed and scream, just as he's grabbed and pulled to his death by an unseen presence. But is that really scary?

When getting to the reveal, I decided to bring out the six-year-old in me who assured himself every night that if he looked under the bed when the lights were out, he would see a pale-faced thing with sunken yellow eyes smiling back at him. And I want a filmmaker out there to bring that nameless nightmare to life.

@Reggie - Thank you for reading! I have a few more micro-horror script ideas in mind. Thank you for the huge compliment about this being one of the best short screenplays you've read. If you liked this one, check out my other script The Thing That Wasn't. I think you'll dig it.

@spesh2k - Thanks for your comment! You're right, the monster definitely comes out of left field. I originally wanted Jenn to be eating a snack in bed when her hiccups start. I also wanted there to be a pet cat in the house, and when the cat gets curious and starts to sniff under the bed, it doesn't return, and that's when the hiccups under the bed start. The theme here of course being the hiccups are caused by eating too fast. I couldn't figure out how to make it work and ultimately decided to ditch the idea. Who knows, it might show up in a later draft. Thanks again for the kind words!


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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: March 16th, 2013, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm.  Fishy.  I read this last night and could have swore I wrote some feedback.  I wonder why it didn't post?  

Well, guess I'll give you it all again?  Which seems pointless now since everything I basically said yesterday has now been said.

Anyways, I had feedback which was fresh but has now been taken!  Great work.  I liked the idea, and how you handled it.  It worked well visually too.

Good luck with this, sorry I couldn't offer anything new!

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

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(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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J.S.
Posted: March 16th, 2013, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sham
@J.S. - Thanks for the read. I actually wasn't trying to hide this being a horror short. I even wrote "Short/Horror" when uploading it to the site, but I guess it got lost in translation in the hosting process. I understand this script isn't going to be everyone's cup of tea, but I'm glad you gave it a chance and appreciate the structure that comes with this formula. Thanks again.


Chris,

I didn't take issue with it being Horror, so much than taking issue with you showing the little creature. I agree with most that you shouldn't have done it. And perhaps I wasn't clear when I said it was a cheap way to do a horror story. I meant showing the little creature guy when he starts feasting on the girl and whatnot. It's overkill. You've set up the scene so well it would be overkill to do that. At some point you've to realize you can't make the story more "horrific" by adding more gore. At least not for me anyway. I find it a turn off. So I agree with those that have said that you shouldn't show the creature.


Quoted from Sham

@KAlbers - Thanks so much for the feedback! A part of me agrees that it's usually best not to show the horror


You can show the horror. I just wouldn't show the creature. For example: Jaws was miles more interesting to me when the Shark wasn't revealed. But when it was, it ruined it for me. I lost interest. I became aware of the strings on the puppet. I wasn't lost in it like I was when I had to rely on the character's body language and reactions to the shark which were way more engaging. I think that, yes, the mystery of what the creature looks like and the need to show it is so abundant that you feel you ought to do it. But I've always thought it a bad idea. There are exceptions nonetheless. I like The Thing precisely because of the creatures. But that's just a different movie all together.


Quoted from Sham

When getting to the reveal, I decided to bring out the six-year-old in me who assured himself every night that if he looked under the bed when the lights were out, he would see a pale-faced thing with sunken yellow eyes smiling back at him. And I want a filmmaker out there to bring that nameless nightmare to life.


But I think because it differs from person to person what that "thing" looks like, you're better off leaving it in people's imagination what it looks like. Because we all have that idea of that scary thing under the bed, you don't have to do anything further than that. It's that simple. Less is more. Just leave it to our own sentiments and experiences and as Hitchcock said, have the horror occur in the audience and not on screen (I'm paraphrasing of course).


Quoted from Sham
I also wanted there to be a pet cat in the house, and when the cat gets curious and starts to sniff under the bed, it doesn't return, and that's when the hiccups under the bed start.


Stick with the cat idea! Play around with it a bit more. That's much creeper for sure. I'm not sure about the whole "that's when the hiccups start" but you can definitely use it as foreshadow and maybe weave in the story some other way, like the guy doesn't like the cat or something which kind of makes him happy it doesn't return

Good luck on the rewrite. I'd be happy to read it.

-J.S.
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alffy
Posted: March 17th, 2013, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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Sham, I thought this was going to be a bit of a quirky horror but it was quite spooky at the end.  I liked it.  Simple and to the point with a great ending.  Not much wrong with it.  Nice work.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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albinopenguin
Posted: March 21st, 2013, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Chris,

Not sure if I read anything from you before. Regardless, I wanted to check this one out given all of the hype.

Overall, pretty harmless in my opinion. Thought your writing could be a bit more fluid and things could build up a bit more, but I enjoyed it. Not sure how other members could comment on the characters since no one had any depth whatsoever. You dive in immediately without giving us much of a chance to get to know these characters. And I think that's this short's biggest flaws. I just don't care for the characters...because I have no idea who they are.

Could easily see this one getting produced. This is easy to make and would look pretty cool. The idea of a ghost stripping away the flesh from one's hand is pretty bitchin.

So in conclusion, a concise read with little depth. Thought the ending was pretty standard. Liked the snarkiness at the end.

Oh and remove the "Contintued" from the beginning and end of each page. You can disable it within celtx.

Nice work.


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DanBall
Posted: March 22nd, 2013, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Sham,

At first, I'm not sure I got into it, but after reading what others thought, I kinda see it more favorably. Especially after JS's lengthy response. It's pretty solid, for sure. You did a lot with very little. That's a pretty mad skill to have.

I'm on the fence about showing the creature. The safest way to scare the audience is not to show it, but rather to show the environmental and personal reactions to it. But I think giving a very small, blurry glimpse of the thing can be scarier. If it's totally dark, the audience will probably fill in the blank with a rather predictable, common horror based on their personal experiences. What you should do is throw in some clues to throw them off, making them question their senses and their experience and even the nature of the creature they're encountering. Or you could show a clue that represents the exact thing you know they're thinking about, but have it be just a smaller part of a larger monstrosity. Like the dorsal fin in Jaws. That's a very intimidating image on its own because it's sharp like a knife, but its size leads to the idea that there's so much more to that creature than a fin.

I also like the idea with the cat. Sure, Ridley Scott did it in Alien, but it works. Cats freak out easily, so they're easy to manipulate for a production. Plus, they can be scary in themselves, distracting the audience from the real scare. If they're like my cat, they're unpredictable, too. One second, they're your cuddle buddy, and the next...they bite you without warning. That bipolar nature is pretty great for a horror movie. Way better than dogs...unless it's a Terminator movie.


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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