They Never Listen by Jim Elder - Short, Drama - Oscar and Felix weather the storm from both directions. 4 pages - pdf, format

Wow, you really are a fan of full-stops, aren't you?

Your title page.  Remove the full-stops after the title of the short and after your name.  You don't need them.

First slug-line.  Also remove the full-stop at the end of your slug.  Don't need it, and though it might seem minor, it's not the prettiest sight.

You didn't introduce Oscar or Felix correctly either.

I didn't get the point of the story.  Everything was so strange.  It pained me to read more than one page.  "They can tell he's in pain", "They are petrified." -- TOO much telling us!

You need to show this to us!  I did this a lot.  Telling is hard to avoid.  Screenwriting is a visual form.  You need to show the audience what's happening.

Anyways, far too many mistakes for a 4 page short.  It's only 4 pages, so this could easily be fixed.  I'm sorry, but in it's current form it's not that great.  At all.

The story needs to be more clear.  You should read a few scripts on here, be more active, take a view notes.  It'll help you improve.  Let me know if you ever fix this, because at the moment it does nothing at all for me.

Good luck.

-- Curt

A.  Format.  You obviously are not using a screenwriting program.  Curt pointed out the issues above--you don't put periods at the end of slugs or character's names before their dialogue.  No page numbers on any pages.  No Fade In or Fade Out.  Every character needs to properly introduced and in capital letters first time out.  

B.  Dialogue.  Wooden, clunky, full of typos.  Ask yourself--would someone really talk this way in this situation?

C.  Story.  I'm not sure what the story is. That was just weird.  That last line spoken by Brian--maybe that's a British way of calling cats, I don't know.  The stranger has no real explanation for his back story.  If the whole setup is that the stranger is a cat, has died eight times before and now is dead because Mary hit him, then fine.  But you made me work too hard to figure that out.  And here's the thing, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO KNOW THEY'RE CATS AT THE BEGINNING IF THIS THING IS FILMED!  So there's really no surprise there, right?  You going for a twist at the end, but the whole twist is ruined from the get-go if this thing is shot.

Read some other scripts on here, Check out a free formatting program like Celtx or Trelby, and see how some good stories are fleshed out.  Re-write this afterwards (paying careful attention to grammar and typos), and repost, and we'll give it another look.  Best of luck,
Gary

Hey Jim.

Trelby or Celtx.  Both are free screenwriting programs.  I suggest you download one of them.

First off, Cur mentioned show, don't tell.  Instead of writing that the stranger is in pain, show him in pain.  It's pretty obvious from his wounds that he's hurting but if your want to show more, have him groan or cringe.  Something to suggest his injuries are fatal.

The lightning comes up so often that it almost seems like a character.  I counted seven strikes of lightning.  It's nice that you want to setup the atmosphere with the storm and whatnot but I think you overdid it.  A flash and we see his face, a flash and we see the blood on his coat (I think the blood near him was enough), a flash just for the hell of it.  Tone it down a bit and stick with the story.  We already know a storm is raging outside so it gets repetitive IMO.

The stranger's dialogue just felt out of place and a bit cheesy for me.  I have an idea of what angle you're after with him but it just didn't work for me.  I know these are pretty much his last words but it came off a bit cliche and forced.

Stating that Mary is attractive also disrupted the flow for me.  She's crying her eyes out because she just committed a hit-and-run.  Do we really need to know she's attractive?  Better yet, can we really tell at this point in time?  I'm imagining a contorted face, covered in tears and snot...not very pretty.  Again, just a suggestion.

Oscar and Felix weren't intro'ed properly and that really showed in the ending where they turn out to be Brian's sons.  All we really need or at least what I suggest are ages for your characters.  You can give a precise age or a range but something to give us an image to work with.  I'm guessing it was your intention to hold off on their ages but on film we'd have a clear idea of how old they'd be so might as well include them.

As far as the story goes, this didn't do anything for me really.  Aparently a couple hit this stranger and the sons of that couple have a little talk with that same victim before he dies.  That pretty much sums it up for me.  Nothing came of the stranger's devil talk.  No insight into his life or anthing on Oscar and Felix other than them cowering at a mortally wounded man even though their modest dialogue didn't really reflect the "petrified" action your described for them.

Hopefully you'll show up.  Good luck and keep writing.

Johnny